One Wins So Both Lose – Marriage

Years ago, I used to think it was important to “win” every argument that occurred between my husband and me. I was sure that he needed to see my point of view —that he was wrong and I was right —that I had the answer to the RIGHT way (or the “Wright” way) things should be handled around our home and in our relationship.
Sadly, in my arguments with Steve, it would appear that I lived by the motto of “take no prisoners.” In situations where we disagreed, I worked hard to persuade him to see the “errors of his ways” and make changes to my way of thinking. How self-centered, self-serving, and foolish! It’s embarrassing to even confess this to you because of the pride and arrogance involved.
In more recent years, the Lord has revealed to both of us the importance of compromise and changing the attitude of “my way is the right way.” Now, I’m not talking about situations where a spouse is in some way being deceptive. In those types of conflicts, there can be no compromise. But in other types of disagreements, if one person “wins” an argument where the other partner feels they significantly “lost” in some way, BOTH lose! And the marriage relationship loses as well. Ours did for a long time until we approached matters differently.

“In any kind of significant relationship, you can’t win unless the other person also wins. So in your own best interest, you have to make sure that he or she wins. For that same reason, the other person has to make sure that you win in some way. The only alternative is that you both lose.
“When you choose to enter into a significant relationship with another person, you’re also choosing to become a member of a team. All relationships involve choice. You can choose whether that team is going to succeed or fail. You decide whether it brings you pain or delight. It’s your choice. Members of a team win together, or they lose together.” (From: “Teamwork” — Devotional  from the Smalley Relationship Center)

I now realize that when I would be so head-strong to “win” an argument, we became competitors instead of partners in our marriage. I acknowledge that there are certain times when it’s important for a partner to change his or her behavior in some way, for example if a spouse is spending too much time away from home, or he/she is thoughtlessly spending money —forgetting that BOTH spouses are effected by such behavior. But even in cases like these, there is usually some compromise that can be made (except in a situation where deception is involved).
If you feel your spouse is spending too much time at work or with his or her friends, it may be time for a compromise. (We have an article on our web site in the “Assorted Marriage Problems” section titled “Friendships and How They Influence a Marriage” that could help you with this.)
If your spouse’s spending habits are causing problems, then you may need to discuss ways to release at least a little money so each partner has some amount they can freely spend. (We have articles and web site links provided in the “Marriage and Finances” section our web site that might help with this as well.) In each situation, it’s a matter of looking for “win/win solutions” to your problems.
We’re told in the Bible to “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own personal interests, but also to the interests of others“ (Philippians 2:3-4). Finding a mutually agreeable solution to your disagreements does just that. It’s a way of resolving conflicts so BOTH partners “win” and feel listened to, understood and validated.
Dr Gary Smalley, from the video series “Secrets to Lasting Love” explains:

“The goal for finding a workable and mutually satisfying solution is to discover one that those involved feel good about. We call this a win/win solution. The main rule for finding a win/win solution isn’t to finalize anything until BOTH individuals in the argument have been heard, understood and feel valued by each other.”

One way this can be done is when:

• One spouse states in a respectful manner without being interrupted, what they feel in about a certain situation.

• Afterward the other spouse repeats what they think that spouse said —re-clarifying until the other spouse is sure they’ve been understood.

• They then switch places so the other spouse speaks without interruption about their feelings over the situation.

• The other spouse then repeats what they thought they heard, re-clarifying until the other spouse is sure they’ve been understood.

Dr Smalley then explains,

“After sharing and having your feelings and needs understood, many times, the solution is obvious. However, sometimes it’s not apparent to everyone. When two people get into an argument, usually they have their own solution to the problem.
“But a win/win solution is when both individuals brainstorm several additional solutions by letting them go like balloons up in the air. At first, you don’t evaluate the possible solutions. After all ideas are ‘up in the air’ then both individuals evaluate and determine if there’s a solution that they both like. They leave their original impasse, and find another answer that they both agree is the best solution to their problem. Thus, they reach a win/win resolution.”

I know this could seem like a simplistic way of solving problems and a bit awkward. But believe us when we tell you that it works. And eventually it isn’t awkward at all. It becomes a very natural way to resolve problems between you. And it’s freeing as well, because there is less of a chance of being misunderstood and feeling unheard. Plus, you reach solutions that both of you decide you can live with. And doesn’t that make it worth it? It’s a “marrying” of ideas!
What we’ve given you above is just thumb nail sketch of how to resolve conflict so BOTH win and as a result, so does your marriage. If you want more information on this method you can go to the web site for Gary Smalley  and put “Win win Solution” in their search engine. Plus, we have more ideas for helping you to resolve conflict on our web site in the “Communication Tools” section.
We hope you will take advantage of all that Marriage Missions makes available for your use. Our prayer is that God will use this ministry to help your marriage become the best it can be to the glory of God!