This interview is designed to help you understand yourself, your partner, and how you can save your relationship. Every question provides you with an explanation of why it's being asked and a short, informative discussion about the issues involved.
There is no "score" because what's at stake for you and your partner, you can't put a number on. What you can gain by successfully overcoming your addiction is what life is really about. Keep an open mind and take a honest look at yourself and don't forget your partner as you take the interview.
If there are conflicts between you and your partner over sex addiction and those conflicts have not been resolved, you are in danger of losing her. She is probably more upset than you realize. Even if she seems furious, she's probably more furious than she's showing you.
She feels betrayed. The trust in the relationship has either been destroyed or damaged. You can save your relationship. It's not too late. Start by answering the questions in this interview honestly.
Do you spend time with pornography and/or masturbation that could be spent with your partner? |Yes| |No| |Sometimes|
Here's a common scenario that might describe your situation: The wife or girlfriend tells the sexually addicted guy she wants more time with him. He doesn't give her the time she wants.
After a while she stops asking. The guy thinks everything is OK. He's wrong.
When she stops asking, it means:
-- She is resigning herself to an unhappy relationship, which means an unhappy one for him too.
-- Or it's the first sign she is about to end the relationship.
The time you put into masturbation/porn hurts your relationship.
She probably still wants to save the relationship; that's why she hasn't left you or thrown you out, yet. But if you take her for granted, you could lose her.
If you're into masturbation/pornography and there are serious problems in your relationship, your addiction is making your relationship worse.
Some sexually addicted guys will say, "I need the addiction, it helps me relieve stress." An alcoholic will say, "My day is so stressful, I can't get through it without a drink." His drinking makes his day worse. Masturbaton addiction and/or pornography addiction is helping your relationship as much as a drink helps an alcoholic.
If you have sex with other people besides your partner, do you think it has any effect on your relationship?
|Yes| |No| |Sometimes|
When you're in a relationship, whatever you do sexually impacts your partner, even if she doesn't know what you're up to.
Let's take one issue: the guilt of living a double life. That alone hurts your relationship. In order to conceal your double life, you have to stay on guard constantly. You have to live a lie and live with the fear and anxiety of being caught. You know that you have betrayed your partner. The tension of hiding your betrayal creates anxiety and fear.
Your double life affects the interactions between the two of you. You have to hide any feeling that might lead her to find out what you've been up to. You put an act on for her if she asks you what's wrong. You've looked in her eyes and lied when she asked you if you've been cheating. If she hasn't asked you, you fear the day that she will.
Some guys lie to themselves about their cheating. They'll say, "It doesn't count because it was only sex." Or "We have a great marriage, except for this one little problem." First, it does count because you took an oath. Ask anyone who's been cheated on. They'll tell you, "It wasn't the sex that hurt me the worst. It was the betrayal." You've betrayed her and you know it. Since you know it, it counts.
Saying "We have a great marriage except for this one little problem" is like saying "Smoking doesn't bother me except for my emphysema."
Don't take cheating lightly. It's hurting you and her more than you realize.
Do you sneak your masturbation/pornography?
|Yes| |No| |Sometimes|
Despite the politically correct crowd's claim that masturbation/pornography is not a problem, here's a simple fact of life: A good relationship is based on honesty.
When you sneak the masturbation/porn part of your sex life, your relationship suffers because of dishonesty. Many sexually addicted men fool themselves about the importance of honesty in a relationship. They'll tell themselves, "This is my private pleasure. What she doesn't know won't hurt her." First, you're not dealing with a healthy pleasure. You're caught in an addiction - and giving yourself the illusion it's a pleasure.
Also, if it's such a great pleasure, why are you sneaking it? You talk to her about the other things you enjoy in your life. Why won't you talk to her about your sex addiction?
Answer: You hide it because you don't want to admit your addiction to yourself or your partner. Usually, the partner knows something is wrong. She doesn't know what it is because most women don't get into sex addiction. But she knows something is creating problems between you and her. If you want to get those problems straightened out, start by being honest with her.
Have there been arguments between you and your partner about your masturbation and/or use of pornography?
|Yes| |No| |Sometimes|
Here's what happens in relationships if there are bitter fights over masturbation/porn and the addictive behavior is not overcome:
- She ends the relationship, or
If there are children involved, she waits until they get older, then divorces you, or
- She resigns herself to a bitter, unhappy marriage and secretly resents you.
There is no good outcome for unresolved conflicts over sexual addiction. An alcoholic will risk everything for a drink. A drug addict, a smoker, an obsessive overeater will do their addiction in face of the worst consequences. If your sex life is endangering your relationship, be honest with yourself. Face the fact that you are addicted to one of the various forms of sex addiction.
Have there been arguments between you and your partner about staring?
|Yes| |No| |Sometimes|
If you and your partner fight over staring, you're addicted.
Talk to your partner about it and she'll tell you that she doesn't expect you to walk around like you're blind to feminine beauty. Her point is that you don't just notice an attractive woman. You stare.
You probably think your partner's overdoing it. She might be. However, if she's overdoing it, it's because you're not honest with her about your staring. And you continue to stare, even though she's told you it upsets her.
Do you wish the sex life between you and your partner was better?
|Yes| |No| |Sometimes|
From a sex addiction point of view, relationships suffer sexually because:
- The sexually addicted person treats his partner as a sex object. As a result, the partner is turned off to having sex with him.
Because of sexually addictive behavior, other conflicts in the relationship are not resolved. That results in loss of closeness, trust, and warmth.
The sexually addicted person puts emotions and sexual energy into his addiction, ignores his partner, and then complains that she's not interested in him.
The sexually addicted person uses his partner as a sex addiction substitute. Eventually the partner realizes it and the sex life is ruined for both of them.
If you want a better sex life with your partner, work on overcoming your sex addiction, first. You'll be surprised at the wonderful change in the sex life between the two of you once a sex addiction is overcome correctly.
Does porn turn you on more than your partner does?
|Yes| |No| |Sometimes|
If your answer is Yes or Sometimes, assume that you are seriously addicted. Pornography addiction is a fantasy based sex life. By sexually bonding with fantasy, you lose perspective on the joys of a genuine loving relationship and loving, intimate sex. The sooner you break away from the fantasy life of pornography addiction, the better for both of you.
Let's use an FAQ to discuss other issues that might be on your mind:
-What if I think I'm sexually addicted?
You can either continue on with your addictive behavior and continue to endanger your relationship. You can seek help. You can try to overcome it on your own.
If you decide not to make any attempt to overcome your addiction, your partner will most likely leave you or live in misery with you.
Your best alternative is to find someone who's been through it themselves and who can help you. Chapter 10 provides a guide on how to find a good counselor.
-I've been trying to overcome sex addiction for years. I feel like I'm a lost cause.
You're not a lost cause. The approach you've been taking hasn't worked. It's like anything else in life, if you set a goal and you don't achieve the goal then you either change your approach or give up the goal. Overcoming sex addiction is a goal you can achieve. Read through the information in this book, it will help you realize you can overcome your sexual addiction.
You do not have to spend the rest of your life caught in sex addiction. You can overcome it. You just need an approach that works.
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