How to Love a Drunk A story of addiction, healing, and grace Melody Harrison Hanson

We all come from "someplace," and my past—a childhood with a raging and unpredictable father—shaped and nearly broke me. The crushing chaos I lived through as I grew up defined who I became, forming me into a person who assumed that both Father God and men in general were angry or displeased with me. I have a deep chasm inside me filled with self-loathing. I ricochet off people presuming rejection. I stiff-arm intimacy and am instinctively wary. I am restless and uncomfortable in my own skin.

And so, after 20 years, my husband, Tom, still speaks to me with delicate care, with regard for where I come from. Sadly, I sometimes still hear him through a filter of expected meanness even though he treats me with kindness. Being raised in devastation shaped me, but Tom has learned to make allowances that give me room to change. Throughout our marriage, this trust has been paramount.

But it wasn't always like this between us. This is a story of love—and of how I became a falling-down drunk.

How it all began

It began innocently. As I struggled with pain and self-loathing, I discovered that alcohol turned off the looping accusations in my head. With a glass of wine, I forgot how much I hated myself. So Tom and I would occasionally relax with a glass of wine after work, not asking if there were healthier ways to unwind. As the years passed, Tom drank moderately while I fell into a pattern of drinking past the buzz. For the most part, life was good—we had rewarding jobs and four amazing kids, friends, and community. My husband and I were raising a blended family with the usual struggles and joys. Still, over the decade of alcohol abuse, there were many times when I knew something was terribly wrong. I would cycle back and forth from joy to despair, from centeredness to complete dislocation.

Looking back, I see that my addictive behavior didn't actually start with alcohol. There were signs soon after our third child was born when I left my career to be at home. In my working life, out of feelings of insecurity and fear, I usually toiled longer and harder than everyone around me. Until I left the job, I didn't realize how hooked I had become on the high of adrenaline and the feelings of significance it generated.

It was then, over a period of about seven weeks, that I slid into an intense, black depression. The spiritual doubts I'd previously avoided began to stare me in the face. I realized I didn't know Jesus' grace and mercy in a life-transforming way. Was I a charlatan working at a Christian ministry? Or sitting in church Sunday mornings nursing the world's worst hangover? I was full of self-loathing and shame as my duplicity grew; still, some part of me wanted and needed to hang on to faith.

Persistence in Tough Marriages – Marriage Message

Persistence means continuing to pursue a goal until it is achieved. (Gary Smalley)

If there’s anything we’ve learned about marriage it’s that it takes an incredible amount of persistence to live with each other in “an understanding way” as it’s talked about in the Bible. Read below a few thoughts on persistence in marriage (from two different authors). We hope it will inspire you (as it has us) on this subject:

“Mountains are big. But you have no idea just how big they really are until you climb one. I discovered this first-hand last summer when I took on a Colorado Rocky. By the time I made it halfway up the slope, my whole body hurt for want of oxygen. I breathed as heavily as I could but couldn’t get enough air. My muscles didn’t want to move.
“I pushed on despite the difficulty, but my excitement about reaching the peak faded. I no longer saw the beauty that surrounded me. All I could think about was the pain and exhaustion claiming every cell of my body. I saw only the steep, rocky ground underfoot.
“Then something wonderful happened. My eyes focused not on craggy rock, but on grass, ruffled by a sudden rush of wind. Overwhelmed, I realized I had reached the summit. I couldn’t sit to rest, too captivated by the mountains, valleys, lakes, and streams I looked down on from this lofty height.
“For some couples, marriage and mountains share a lot in common. Marriage seemed a daunting enough commitment before the vows were spoken, but being married turned out to be even harder than it looked. During the difficult climbs of a rocky marriage, it can become hard for the couple to remember why they even married. Their thoughts start to focus only on the present problems. But God is strong in our weaknesses and he can turn human frailty into the most spectacular of experiences if we let Him.” (Wesley English, Editor for the Marriage Connection marriage-html@lists.christianitytoday.com)

Continuing on with that thought, read what Dr Gary Smalley (from a past posting on his web site) has to say about being persistent in marriage even though the “mountains ahead” may seem too tough to climb over in the beginning. Persistence can pay off:

“Persistence means continuing to pursue a goal until it is achieved. For years, Ken’s way of dealing with Carla’s hurt feelings was to give her a lecture or a rational explanation for why she was hurting and how she could stop. These ranged in length from the brief ‘you’re too sensitive’ all the way to the twenty-minute complex analysis of her entire situation.
“Carla always assumed it was just his way of trying to tell her he was superior by making her feel at fault. If someone didn’t talk to her at a party and she deduced they didn’t like her anymore, Ken would simply tell her, ‘Oh, they were just too busy. You’re just taking it too seriously.’ If she had an argument with his mother, his mother got his understanding while Carla got comments like, ‘You overreacted,’ or ‘I can’t believe how you hurt mom’s feelings.’
“After Carla realized that men have to learn how to respond to women’s feelings, she began to tell Ken each time she needed comfort, ‘Don’t lecture me …just hold me and understand.’ This didn’t do a bit of good the first six or seven times she tried it. She still got his lectures (although they kept getting shorter).
“Finally Ken (genius that he is), realized that Carla was simply asking him not to preach at her but to comfort her with silent gentleness. He tried it once and noticed a completely different response in Carla. She recovered from her hurt feelings much faster than when he tried to explain away her feelings.
“Ken told me that although it was hard not to lecture the first few times, his quiet response was so much more effective that it has now become natural. If Carla had tried to help him change by sharing her feelings only once, nothing would have happened. But she persisted, and now both she and Ken are enjoying the benefits of her persistence.
“Several years ago I met a man who had been very successful in his work with teenagers. He had influenced thousands of young people in a positive way. When I asked him the secret of his success, I was surprised by his answer. He said, ‘It’s simple. For every 200 ideas I try, one works!’ One of the teenagers from his youth group, Jill, followed his example after she married.
“Since the first week of their marriage, Jill had noticed how Dave always showed preference for his family over hers. When they moved across the country for Dave to attend graduate school, she thought she would be free to rating second to his family.
“Unfortunately, 2,000 miles wasn’t far enough. Phone calls, letters, or visits with the family continued to add fuel to the fire. Whenever Jill found fault with any of Dave’s family, Dave would always rise to their defense. Time after time she would try to tell Dave how deeply it bothered her that he preferred his family over her, but Dave always defended himself.
“A few years after gradate school Dave finally had the chance to relocate near their hometown. He thought Jill would be thrilled because it meant living near her family too. He couldn’t understand why she cried when he told her about the opportunity. Once again she explained that she was afraid to live near his family because of his preference for them. As usual, he defended himself and couldn’t see it from her viewpoint.
“On vacation they visited their hometown. As they were leaving his family, he asked her, ‘Tell me one more time why you don’t want to move back?’ She explained once more, and it finally got through.
“Since then, he has had many opportunities to demonstrate his preference for Jill. She now feels so secure that she is looking forward to the possibility of returning home. Once again, the wife’s gentle persistence brought lasting benefit to her and her husband.”

Persistence, which is perseverance, can especially pay off in wonderful ways as we apply it to marriage. As the Bible says,

“Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything” (James 1:2-4).

“For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But if anyone does not have them he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins” (2 Peter 1:5-9).

We hope that together we will persevere in finding ways to live with each other in understanding ways —those that reflect the love and character of God!

Doing Whatever it Takes – Marriage Message

 “Doing whatever it takes can take you where you may not want to go.” (Dr. Emerson Eggerichs)

When I (Steve) read the above statement from Dr Eggerichs’ book, Love and Respect (Integrity Publishers), it got me thinking about Cindy and my marriage. Let me say at the outset that for many years I wasn’t as committed as Cindy was to “doing whatever it takes” to make our marriage what it is today. Fortunately, God got my attention and He took me where I didn’t “want” to go, but where I needed to go —in order to start becoming the husband he intended me to become.
Over the years, I’ve learned to release many of the immature attitudes I had held onto for so long. I learned how to be more about serving and blessing my wife, than being served. As a result, I am indeed the most blessed of all men. My wife and I are closer than ever. I never would have believed that letting go of what I thought I wanted, would bring me what I truly needed. And even if Cindy hadn’t responded well, there is peace in knowing I’m living my life, as God would have me.
Over the past dozen or so years that we’ve been mentoring couples we have come to realize that a lot of the problems they’ve encountered in their marriages (some they thought were “marriage busters”) were in fact fixable as long as they were willing to go where they didn’t necessarily “want” to go —back to God’s original plan for marriage.
A big problem Cindy and I see in Christian couples today is that we’ve lost sight of God’s plan for our marriages. We believe God showed us that the mission of marriage is to reflect the heart of Christ. Until spouses are willing to do “whatever it takes” so their marriages reflect God’s heart and HIS plan, divorces within the church will continue to match or exceed that of non-believers.
The following are thoughts from Alistair Begg’s book, Lasting Love: How to Avoid Marital Failure, as he sheds insight on this issue. Alistair writes:

God’s blueprint for marriage calls for an exclusive relationship between one man and one woman as they enter into a lifetime covenant. The concept of covenant is vastly different from a contractual agreement that may be set aside at the whim of either party.
When God entered into covenant with Abraham, the solemnity of it was emphasized with a “thick and dreadful darkness” (Genesis 15:12) and a number of animal sacrifices (15:9-11, 17). The covenant promises were made under the pain of death.

Jay Adams from his book, Solving Marriage Problems, says:

Marriage involves a covenantal agreement to meet all of your spouse’s needs for companionship (on every level: sexual, social, spiritual, etc.) for the rest of your life. It is therefore, a final act.
Christians, unlike non-Christians today who enter into trial marriages, annual, renewable contracts, and the like, need not live daily under the threat of divorce. The binding nature of a divine covenant assures them that divorce is not an option. That is a wonderful difference that Christians possess. The covenant is a lifetime commitment.

Alistair Begg continues:

Despite the clarity with which the Bible speaks to this matter, many Christians appear to be confused. Recent surveys reveal that as many as two-thirds of those interviewed considered divorce “a reasonable solution to a problem marriage.”
If we are going to at all be successful in avoiding marital failure, it is imperative that we exercise our minds in the truth of the Scripture and yield our wills in submission to God’s clear directives.
Our submission to God’s design must be total and wholehearted —whether we find it immediately to our liking or not. It is in becoming obedient to His Word and His will that we discover true freedom. Consider the benefits:

• Making a lifelong commitment focuses our attention on ‘staying the course’ rather than on short bursts of enthusiasm [which is being faithfully consistent to God’s Word].

• The freedom of marriage in the Lord is rewarding. To be able to share with one another at the deepest levels of spiritual understanding is a great joy [but comes by “staying the course”].

• As husband and wife learn to put each other first, they discover the pleasures that come only when they get past living for themselves. Wives are challenged to “submit to your husbands” (Ephesians 5:22) and husbands are told to “love your wives just as Christ loved the church” (Ephesians 5:25). If these intense obligations are defined in purely negative terms, they may seem deplorable. But seen from God’s perspective, these commands provide order and joy in a relationship. Attempting to continually put oneself first never works. But learning to put a spouse first can become a lifelong pleasure for those with hearts for God’s Word.

• Rejecting divorce as an option allows for great security in marriage. It means that when problems arise —no matter how great those problems may be —the couple will learn to return to the instruction manual of God’s Word and rely upon the help of God’s Spirit.

It’s about living out God’s principles with each other in the manner in which Christ showed us through His life here on earth and through His Word, the Bible. We are to be living examples displaying God’s love —revealing and reflecting the heart of God. “Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man” -Prov. 3:3-6.
It’s not always easy to let “love and faithfulness never leave you” when your spouse doesn’t do the same —when he/she treats you in ways that make you feel belittled and unloved. But as God’s word says, when it comes to love and faithfulness, “bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.”
Does that mean that you aren’t to express discontent to your spouse, confronting him/her with the things she/he says or does, which needs to change? Of course you can (if you’re living with an abusive spouse, however, be especially careful in this). But when you do say what you feel is needed, speak the “truth in love” —MOTIVATED by God’s love. As you do things God’s ways, “then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man.”
There’s a challenge Rev. Bruce Goettsche, gives, that we want you to consider, as well:

“Have you dismissed what the Bible says about marriage because you don’t think it squares with your own view? If so, think carefully about what you are doing. Do you have any right to veto God’s desires? Does it make any sense at all to ignore the counsel of the one who designed marriage?”

Live out God’s principles in marriage —God’s way. Keep in mind that the principles for loving each other as husband and wife are the same principles outlined for us throughout the Bible. Read it. Follow what it says, and “you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God.”
May it be so!

Becoming More Compatible – Marriage

 “Virtually all couples, happy and unhappy, are going to argue, particularly in the early stages of marriage. What tends to predict the future of a relationship is not what you argue about, but when you do argue, how you handle your negative emotions.” (Howard Markman)

Does the above statement make sense to you? It makes more sense to us as we continually research marriage compatibility. We used to think that happily married couples had discovered the secret of not arguing with each other —that conflict was what destroyed good marriages.
We now know (and have experienced within our own relationship) that the problem isn’t that we disagree with each other, but how constructively we’re able to work through it so the relationship stays in tact and loving. And that comes about because the couple acts in respectful ways even when disagreeing —honoring the other spouse’s feelings —which is Biblical of course.
We came across an article featured in The Wall Street Journal (November 3, 2004) titled, “The Key to a Lasting Marriage” which talks about incompatibility and handling conflict. It says that “even happy couples aren’t really compatible”—which seems like a surprising statement. But as we share portions of this article, prayerfully consider what God says to you as how you can apply it to your own marriage. The author, Hilary Stout starts out by saying:

A growing body of research suggests there’s no such thing as a compatible couple. This may come as no surprise to all those who have endured years of [heat/air conditioning] thermostat wars, objectionable spending habits and maddening tendencies at the wheel [of a vehicle]. But it flies in the face of Hollywood, Shakespeare, most people’s fantasies, and all those dating Web sites selling scientific screening to find a perfect match.
Years of relationship studies by some leading figures in the field make it increasingly clear that most couples, whether they’re happy or unhappy, have a similar number of irreconcilable differences. What’s more, all couples —happy or not —tend to argue about the same things. Top of the list, whether you are rich or poor, is money. Other common topics include household chores, work obligations, kids and differing priorities.
“Compatibility is misunderstood and overrated,” says Ted Huston, a professor of psychology and human ecology. Mr. Huston and his colleagues have been following 168 couples since they married during the 1980s. This study and others like it make it clear that most disagreements that arise in a marriage — 69% of them, are never resolved, according to work by John Gottman (a relationship researcher at the University of Washington).
The result has been a gradual shift in marriage therapy toward helping spouses manage, accept, and even ‘honor’ their discord, rather than trying to resolve the un-resolvable. One national couples-counseling program suggests spouses schedule a regular weekly date to argue. Others now offer instruction in arguing. Some encourage couples to single out problems that can be dealt with and accept that most (like how tidy the house should be) will never be resolved.
Of course some conflicts do matter deeply —she wants children, he doesn’t, to name a big one; alcoholism and infidelity, to name a couple more. Differing religions and cultural attitudes also are problematic, especially after the couple has children, says Scott Stanley, co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver.
He and co-director Howard Markman have done extensive studies tracking couples from courtship through years of marriage.
But the bottom line, Markman says, is that “virtually all couples, happy and unhappy, are going to argue. “What tends to predict the future of a relationship is not what you argue about, but when you do argue, how you handle your negative emotions.”
This has led some in the profession to develop rules that can make arguing less destructive:

• Don’t escalate an argument by blurting out generalizations: “You always…” Stay on the specific subject. Don’t drag past events, behavior and lingering grudges into the discussion.

• Try not to interrupt —let your spouse finish making a point before you jump in.

• Take a little time to cool down after a heated argument. But within an hour, Mr. Gottman recommends having a “reconciliatory conversation,” which will result in a more level-headed, productive discussion.”

The article then tells of an experiment conducted at Dr Gottman’s Relationship Laboratory where they videotaped couples arguing and monitored their heart rate.
Research has shown that if your heart rate exceeds 100 beats per minute you usually won’t be able to rationally listen to what your spouse is trying to tell you no matter how hard they try. It is suggested to take a 20-30 minute break before continuing.

When their heart rates rose above 100 the researchers interrupted and said (falsely) that their equipment was malfunctioning.

[In the experiment]…

They asked couples to stop and read a magazine until it was fixed. Once both people’s heart rates had dropped down to normal range, after about a half-hour, the researchers announced the equipment was fixed and the couples started up their disagreement again. The change after the interlude was marked. “It was like it was a different relationship,” Mr. Gottman says. Everyone was “much more rational and creative.”
While airing differences is important, make sure to set aside some time where discussing areas of discord is off-limits, Mr. Stanley and Mr. Markman say. A walk by the river on a beautiful autumn day isn’t the time to bring up problems; it is a time to enjoy each other and remember what attracted you to each other in the first place.
Instead set aside a time to talk about the things that are bothering you. Like many married couples, Jim and Kathryn Lewis have a Saturday “date” built into their weekly schedules. The purpose isn’t to catch a movie or linger over a romantic dinner. Essentially, it is to argue.
On the recommendation of Mr. Stanley, the couple started going out to breakfast every Saturday morning to discuss problems and issues. At first it felt a little awkward. Once they settled into the routine, it proved enormously helpful.
Before, discord could erupt at any moment and tempers would flare. Now, knowing they have a set time to discuss difficult issues is comforting and leaves them the rest of the week to relax, Mr. Lewis says. In fact, they rarely argue during the sessions anymore. They simply work through issues. “Now we really look forward to it,” he says.
Rules of Engagement: The following are some tips for fighting effectively with your spouse:

• Stay focused on the subject of disagreement

• Don’t generalize (as in “You always do ____”)

• Don’t bring up past events and old grudges

• Don’t interrupt … Don’t use insults

• Don’t use inflammatory language, like “This marriage is doomed.”

• Don’t stonewall [or block the argument from allowing both sides to be discussed]

• Try to say “I” (as in “I think”) rather than the more inflammatory “You” (as in “You don’t”)

All of this comes down to being respectful of one another —even in your anger and times of incompatibility. In Ephesians 4:26-27, the Bible says, “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” The explanation given for these verses in the Life Application Bible reads,

“The Bible doesn’t tell us that we shouldn’t feel angry. It points out that it is important to handle our anger properly. If vented thoughtlessly, anger can hurt others and destroy relationships. If bottled up inside, it can cause us to become bitter and destroy us from within. Paul tells us to deal with our anger immediately in a way that builds relationships rather than destroys them. If we nurse our anger, we will give Satan an opportunity to divide us.”

So the challenge isn’t to eliminate conflict but to find ways to deal with it so we resolve it in ways that honors each other and honors God.
We hope all of this helps. For additional material that you may find helpful on this subject you can look through our web site and look at several articles we have posted there. A few in particular that you might find helpful are “Weekly Connection Times with Your Spouse,” “Covenant Guidelines for Resolving Conflict” (Condensed Version), and then “Resolving Conflict Guidelines with Scriptures,” to name just a few. Look around and see what you can find that can help you become more compatible in your marriage and then importantly, APPLY WHAT YOU LEARN!

A Purpose-Driven Marriage

 

“If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else”
(Yogi Berra).

We want to ask you, do you have a “purpose-driven marriage?” For some interesting thoughts on the subject, which were written by Dr. Fred Lowery in his book, Covenant Marriage: Staying Together for Life, please read the following:

Here’s an important principle every married person, and every person thinking about marriage —should know: A good marriage doesn’t happen by accident. In fact, to survive amidst all the pressures, pains, and pitfalls of life in the twenty-first century, a marriage today must be more proactive and more intentional than ever before. It must be purpose-driven.
What does it mean to have a purpose-driven marriage? It means that you and your spouse have a basic understanding of the kind of marriage you are trying to build and what it will take to make it happen. It means that you are willing to work together toward that common goal. But most couples I talk to in premarital counseling haven’t got a clue what the purpose of their marriage is.
When I say to the typical prospective groom, “What is the purpose and goal of your marriage?” he shifts his feet around, and finally says, “I don’t know. I just love her” (which is a hormonally driven expression for, “I want sex without guilt”).
When I ask the typical bride-to-be the same question, she rolls her eyes, giggles, and utters a few words in fairy-tale language about finally finding her “Knight in shining armor.” (That’s female-speak for, “I am being rescued from my home by one who will wow me and worship me for the rest of my life.”)
In a magazine article titled “Marriage: What’s the Point?” author Susan Dixon admits that she stood at an altar in a beautiful white gown and said “I do” without having the slightest idea of what she was getting herself into.
“It took nearly twenty-five years and a divorce before I began to understand something I should have known before that ceremony ever took place,” she writes. “In the quarter century that has passed since I naively repeated my wedding vows, I’ve become more and more aware that relationships die for lack of purpose. If there is no valid, defined, and acknowledged purpose for our relationship-chances are we’ll have trouble keeping it alive.”
Do You Know what is the purpose of marriage? What is the purpose of your marriage? Do you have a well-defined purpose? Do you know where your relationship is headed? Do you know where you want your marriage is headed? Do you know where you want your marriage to be 5, 10, or 30 years from now?
Do you have common hopes and dreams for the future? This is an important question because, as Neil Clark Warren writes in The Triumphant Marriage, without a shared dream a marriage relationship “will eventually die.”
According to Warren, dreams inspire hope and thereby “stimulates the brain and mobilize the action center. Hope stimulates planning. Planning produces behavior designed to move you forward.” The end result is positive progress in a marriage relationship.
If you can answer “yes” to these three essential questions, Warren asserts, you have a healthy dream that will serve your marriage well:

• Is the dream equally inclusive of both you and your [future] spouse and your life together?

• Is the dream broad enough?

• Are both of you strongly committed to the dream you have for your life together?

What about your values and beliefs?

• Do you and your [future] spouse share the same values?

• Do you have similar religious beliefs?

• What is really important to each of you?

These are critical questions. Even secular counselors acknowledge the importance of shared beliefs and values in building a successful marriage. If you’re not sure what you value, ask yourself:

• What do I really want to be?

• What do I really want to do?

• What do I really want to have?

Get your [future] spouse to answer the same questions, and then discuss your responses together. What values and beliefs do your answers reflect?
What are you expecting out of marriage? What are the expectations of your mate? Ecstatic bliss? A romantic paradise? Do you both want children, and if so, how many? Do you expect to make enough money to build a dream house?
How realistic are your expectations and what happens when they’re not met? What happens when your relationship gets blah or boring? When it gets bumpy or bitter? What price are you willing to pay in order to have a great marriage that goes the distance? Are you both willing to make the relationship an absolute priority? Are you willing to be there for your spouse even through the bad times?
Is your marriage self-centered or God-centered? Is your 1st thought, “What will make me happy?” Or is it, “What will make my Lord happy and ultimately strengthen my relationship with my spouse?”
Do you approach your marriage as a contract or a covenant? The Bible clearly reveals that covenant oneness with your mate —oneness that is spiritual, emotional, and physical —is God’s ultimate goal and purpose for marriage. Two become one.
If you approach marriage as a covenant, you already have this built-in purpose. Your relationship with your spouse (next to your relationship with God) is the most important thing in your life.
If you approach marriage as a contract, however, you’re likely to emphasize rules and regulations over relationship. Many self-help books on the market offer practical rules for living with a spouse and promise that if you’ll just follow those rules, you’ll have a happy marriage.
The problem is, when you emphasize following rules over building relationship, you only breed resentment and rebellion in your mate. Rules without relationship equal disaster in a marriage.

Ask yourself: Have you been viewing your marriage as a contract or a covenant relationship? Is your marriage is purpose-driven —one that honors God? If it isn’t, we hope you’ll put forth the effort to do your part to make it one. As Dr. Lowery points out:

“Clearly we can no longer pattern our marriages after the people around us —if we ever could. Not only does the world not know how to divorce-proof its marriages, it is well on the way to making broken relationships the norm!
“If we don’t want our own marriages to fall by the wayside, we have to find a better pattern to follow. Fortunately, we don’t have to look far. God, the inventor of marriage, gives us everything we need to know about marriage in his Word, the Bible. Better than any earthly marriage counselor, he offers ‘divine therapy’ guaranteed not to fail: ‘I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you‘ (Psalm 32:8).
“For the sake of our marriages, we have to get with God, study the Scriptures, and begin to understand marriage as he created it to be: a sacred, permanent, covenant commitment. We have to get back to God’s original plan and work his plan. We have to be willing to die to ourselves and put our marriages and our mates above our own self-interest. Nothing less will do.”

Our love and prayers are with you as together we strive to make our marriages the best they can be

An Outrageous Commitment – Marriage Message

“Anyone who has been married for more than 5 minutes realizes that it takes so much more to have a good marriage than we were ever told. It takes more than love, more than sincerity, more than compatibility, good communication skills, or hard effort. It takes more than a good upbringing, more than a romantic nature, a willingness to listen, or mega-doses of ‘quality time.’ These alone will eventually prove inadequate to bind one imperfect person to another, forever.” (Dr. Ronn Elmore)
A truly good marriage—one that pleases the heart of God, takes AN OUTRAGEOUS COMMITMENT!!! Read further for some additional thoughts on this subject by Dr. Elmore (from his book, “An Outrageous Commitment” -published by Harper Resource):

We label something outrageous when its benefits aren’t plainly in view but we are called upon to do it anyway. Unconditional love seems outrageous to us when the object of that commitment has by no means earned it, or when it demands more of our resources than we’re willing to dispense.
Something as slight as a kiss can seem like an outrageous offer after our mate has broken a promise, or ignored a request we’ve made. Somehow we’ve come to believe that love is a finite, irreplaceable commodity that we could use up.
Still, our souls desire something this high and pure; something that makes ordinary marriages extraordinary, struggling marriages as solid as granite, and dead marriages resurrected to new life. In spite of all our best arguments against it, self-sacrifice is the facet of love that most reflects the height, the depth, the width, and the breadth of God’s love for you.
Along with many qualities that I loved about my wife, Aladrian, there were others that I soon discovered were not to my liking. In spite of my most earnest efforts to change her to fit my expectations, she persisted in being genuinely herself.
In those early days, suddenly being married and living life in full view of someone else was especially traumatic to her. She was often moody, prone to depression, and struggling to set personal goals and pursue them confidently.
I valued cool, unemotional determination and sure-footed decisiveness. She struck me as self-indulgent and timid-qualities I abhorred. I offered Aladrian reasonable amounts of sympathy and good advice and expected change to be soon coming. It was not.
She found me disappointingly unfeeling and marked by the kind of independence that suggested I didn’t need anybody—including my wife —for anything. She made it clear to me that what she really needed from me wasn’t another day of my advice and pity.
She needed me to halt what she termed my “cold, clinical analysis” of her and my pained facial expressions that portrayed contempt. She wanted me to make the commitment to treat her as if it mattered to me that she was there-to hold her close, but to keep all of my diagnoses to myself. Outrageous!
Outrageous commitment, and the self-sacrificing acts that demonstrate it, are hard to explain, let alone defend. It is unearned, often unappreciated, and not always reciprocated. Sacrificing our own interests for the sake of another person disarms our tendency toward self-centeredness. Making lofty vows to each other takes little effort. Keeping them, however, will take all your strength and much more besides. It is not to be accomplished by well-kept rules, but by your willing embrace of selfless sacrifice.
You may have demonstrated outrageous commitment and not known it. Wherever it exists it will show itself in abundantly practical, observable ways like:

• Waking up each morning and deciding, yet again, to offer your best today—in spite of what happened yesterday.

• Deciding to keep talking about and planning for your future together, even when the present is troubling.

• Delaying (or sacrificing altogether) the night out, the exciting vacation, the new car, or any long-awaited pleasure, because you need to take a loss of this time so that your mate can gain something infinitely more valuable.

• Giving the one you love the space to show he/she is profoundly human, but not in danger of losing your devotion because of it.

• (Or like in my case) making your feelings known to your spouse but investing the extra time and effort to make your desires sound like requests, not demands.

Outrageous commitment is in making and keeping vows like these that transcend mere marriage and establish holy matrimony.

Cindy and I believe that if we’re going to become “Outrageously Committed” to one another, we will also need to understand something else that Elmore noted:

“In marriage, your self-sacrifice will not always be noticed, appreciated, or reciprocated; but it has the power to disarm our natural tendency toward passionate self-centeredness.”

In other words, we’re not going to employ these principles for any other reason than to love our spouse the way we’re commanded and expected by God to love.

“Be imitators of God, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (Ephesians 5:1-2).

Jesus Christ loved us so much that He gave Himself up for us …now THAT is outrageous love! It’s also the type of love we are to lavish upon our spouse, as God’s colleague in loving them and being committed to revealing the heart of Christ in our marriage.
May it be so …so help us God!

Marriage as a Spiritual Mirror

“What marriage has done for me is hold up a mirror to my sin. It forces me to face myself honestly and consider my character flaws, selfishness, and anti-Christian attitudes, encouraging me to be sanctified [set apart for God’s use] and cleansed, and to grow in godliness” (Gary Thomas).
Does that statement catch your attention? Read the following written by Gary Thomas on this subject from his great book called, Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy (published by Zondervan). It should give us a lot to think and pray about:

Being so close to someone —which marriage necessitates —may be the greatest spiritual challenge in the world. There is no “resting,” because I am under virtual 24-hour surveillance. Not that my wife Lisa makes it seem like that —it’s just that I’m aware of it.
Every movie I rent is rented with the understanding that I will watch it with Lisa next to me. Every hour I take off for recreation is an hour that Lisa will know about. Where I eat lunch—my appetites and lusts and desires are all in full view of Lisa.
This presupposes, of course, that I’m willing to be confronted with my sin —that I’m willing to ask Lisa, “Where do you see unholiness in my life? I want to know about it. I want to change it.”
This takes tremendous courage —courage I am the first to admit I often lack. It means I’m willing to hear what displeases Lisa about me, as well as to refuse to become paralyzed by the fear that she will love me less or leave me because the sin in me is being exposed.
I don’t naturally gravitate toward the honesty and openness that leads to change. My natural sin-bent is to hide and erect a glittering image.
Go back in time for the first sin. And the first obvious result of the Fall was a breakdown in marital intimacy. Neither Adam not Eve welcomed the fact that their weaknesses were now so obvious. All of a sudden they felt kind of funny about being naked. And they started blaming each other.
Howard Hendricks told about a time he had just completed a sermon and a young man came up to him and called him a “great man.” On the drive home, Hendricks turned to his wife and said, “A great man. How many great men do you know?” “One fewer than you think,” she answered.
I have frequently stated that I think God often gives wives to influential men in part to keep their husband’s feet on the ground. When someone receives constant adulation, it’s invaluable to have another person come alongside who will see through to the real you.
Francois Fenelon (an eighteenth-century Christian writer) tells us on the subject of humility that it is, “a certain honesty, and childlike willingness to acknowledge our faults, to recover from them, and to submit to the advice of experienced people.”
I believe it is possible to enter marriage with a view to being cleansed spiritually, if, that is, we do so with a willingness to embrace marriage as a spiritual discipline. To do this, we must not enter marriage predominantly to be filled, emotionally satisfied, or romantically charged, but rather to become more like Jesus Christ. We must embrace the reality of having our flaws exposed to our partner, and thereby having them exposed to us as well.
Sin never seems quite as shocking when it is known only to us; when we see how it looks or sounds to another, it is magnified ten times over. The celibate can “hide” frustration by removing herself from the situation, but the married man or woman has no true refuge. It is hard to hide when you share the same bed.
I have a theory: Behind virtually every case of marital dissatisfaction lays unrepented sin. Couples don’t fall out of love so much as they fall out of repentance.
Sin, wrong attitudes, and personal failures that are not dealt with slowly erode the relationship, assaulting and eventually erasing promises made in the throes of earlier love.
All of us enter marriage with sinful attitudes. When these attitudes surface, the temptation will be to hide them or even run to another relationship where the attitudes won’t be so well known. But Christian marriage presumes a certain degree of self-disclosure. When I married, I committed to allow myself to be known by Lisa —and that means she’ll see me as I am—with my faults, my prejudices, my fears, and my weaknesses.
This reality can be terrifying to think about. Dating is largely a situation in which you always try to put the best face forward —hardly a good preparation for the eventual self-disclosure implied in marriage. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if many marriages end in divorce largely because one or both partners are running from their own revealed weaknesses as much as they are running form something they can’t tolerate in their spouse.
View marriage as a relationship that will reveal your sinful behaviors and attitudes and give you the opportunity to address them before the Lord. But here’s the challenge: Don’t give in to the temptation to resent your partner as your own weaknesses are revealed. Give them the freedom and acceptance they need in order to face their own weaknesses as well. In this way, we can use marriage as a spiritual mirror, designed for our growth in holiness.

As Gary Thomas also said,

“Your marriage is more than a sacred covenant with another person. It is a spiritual discipline designed to help you know God better, trust him more fully, and love him more deeply.”

We pray that we’ll all take some time this week to look into the “spiritual mirror” of our marriages and make sure the reflection that comes back is that of God, without us interfering.

Reality Checks for Confrontation – Marriage Message

“What men fear most is criticism and rejection. That doesn’t mean that you can’t tell him anything —you can. But you have to look to see if how you’re doing it is working or not.” –Dr Phil McGraw
“Maybe you won’t get through to the other person as long as you keep approaching him the way you always do.” –Michael Nichols
Confronting each other when we have a problem can be most difficult, because if we don’t do it right we can make the situation even worse than before.
That’s why one of our dear friends calls confrontation in a relationship, such as marriage, “CARE-frontation,” because we’re to confront them in a caring way —speaking the truth in love.
On this subject, we’d like to share thoughts, written by Dennis and Barbara Rainey featured in their book, Moments Together For Couples: Devotions for Drawing Near to God and One Another, published by Regal Books. This particular sample devotion is called, “Reality Checks for Confrontations.” Please note, however, that we inserted appropriate scripture verses in brackets to further emphasize their excellent points. On this subject they wrote:

As important as it is to be able to lovingly confront your mate when you have a conflict, it is also important not to be judgmental. It’s essential that you don’t just see your spouse’s flaws while ignoring your own. Here are some reality checks Barbara and I have found useful:
1. CHECK YOUR MOTIVATION. Do you want to help or hurt by what you say? Will bringing this up lead to healing and oneness? Prayer is a good barometer of motivation. When you take your situation to God you can usually see your motivation for what it is.
[Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is that Head, that is, Christ. –Ephesians 4:15]
[Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. -Philippians 4:29]
2. CHECK YOUR ATTITUDE. Loving confrontation says: “I care about you. I respect you and I want you to respect me. I want you to know how I feel, but I want to know how you feel, too.” Don’t hop on your bulldozer and run your partner down. Don’t pull up in your dump truck and unload all your garbage. Approach your partner lovingly.
[Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourself. –Philippians 2:3]
3. CHECK THE CIRCUMSTANCES. This includes timing, location and setting. The time for Barbara to confront me is not just as I walk in from a hard day’s work. I need to confront her sometime when she isn’t settling a squabble with the kids.
[A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver. -Proverbs 25:11]
4. CHECK TO SEE WHAT OTHER PRESSURES MAY BE PRESENT. Be sensitive to where your mate is coming from. What’s the context of his or her life right now?
[He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin. -Proverbs 13:3]
[There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death. -Proverbs 16:25]
5. BE READY TO TAKE IT AS WELL AS TO DISH IT OUT. Sometimes confronting your mate can boomerang on you. Beware of what psychologists call “projecting” —seeing your own faults in others. You may start to give your spouse some “friendly advice” only to learn that the problem you are describing is actually your fault!
[A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions. -Proverbs 18:2]
[And why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? -Matthew 7:3]
Discuss: Think back to a confrontation that didn’t go especially well. Can you determine whether more attention to one or more of the above suggestions may have made a more fruitful discussion?
Pray: For the courage to confront and the love and self-awareness to keep such episodes as positive contributors to intimacy in your home.

The Bible tells us in Titus 3:2, to “Remind the people to …be ready to do whatever is good, to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men.” And so please consider yourself reminded, as we’re remind ourselves, as husband and wife.
Please note, that we have many “Communication Tools” posted on our web site at www.marriagemissions.com, which can help you in approaching each other in peaceable and considerate ways. We hope you’ll take advantage of all that is offered.
“Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will” –2 Timothy 2:23-26. 
“And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” –Ephesians 4:30-32.
Live out the Word as you love your spouse, this week and for the rest of your lives together.

Go Beyond Your Commitment – Marriage

“The hard, cold truth of marriage is that staying together can be tough at times for almost any couple. Most of us probably know wonderful, intelligent, thoughtful people who —despite all the evidence of the harmful effects of divorce on children —are divorced anyway. Why is it so hard for couples to stay together?” (Marcia Segelstein)
This question was addressed in an article titled, “Intentional Marriage” written by Marcia Segelstein (featured in a past issue of  “Connecticut Family Matters”). We hope the info given inspires you to think make a serious commitment to having an intentional marriage:

“Research has demonstrated convincingly what most people have known all along: that a stable, loving, two-parent family is the optimal environment for children’s health and development in our society. Children do better in homes with stable marriages even if their parents aren’t particularly happy together, as long as the parents are reasonably cooperative.
“I believe that the core social and personal challenge of our time is how to make loving, permanent marriage work for ourselves and our children. I fear that no social program, no educational achievement program, no job program, no anti-crime program, and no amount of psychotherapy and Prozac will solve our society’s problems unless we figure out how men and women can sustain permanent bonds that are good for them, their children and their communities.
“Even if we have an unbending commitment to our mate, most of us are blind to how we lose our marriages by slow erosion if we don’t keep replenishing the soil. I decided William Doherty would be a good person to supply the answer to my question.
“Doherty believes part of the problem is that the consumer culture in which we live has affected our attitudes about marriage. We expect our mates to fill needs for us, and to bring us happiness and fulfillment. We’ve internalized the notion that it is okay —and even psychologically healthy —to be looking out for number one even within the context of marriage.
“We ask ourselves during stressful times, or boring times, or just from time to time whether we’re getting what we should from our marriage.
“As Doherty puts it, ‘Our culture teaches us that we are all entitled to an exciting marriage and great sex life; if we don’t get both, we are apt to feel deprived. What used to be seen as human weakness of the flesh has become a personal entitlement. Steadfastness and self-sacrifice aren’t in this picture. When the marriage relationship becomes psychologically painful or stunts our growth, there are plenty of therapists around to serve as midwives for a divorce.’
“Doherty believes that the two key ingredients for a successful marriage are commitment and intentionality. Commitment may sound obvious and clear-cut. But in his years of therapy, Doherty has come to recognize two distinct kinds of commitment couples make. One is what he calls ‘commitment-as-long-as.’ It means staying together, ‘not as long as we both shall live, but as long as things are working out for me.’
“The other kind is what Doherty calls ‘commitment-no-matter-what.’ He describes it as ‘the long view of marriage in which you don’t balance the ledgers every month to see if you are getting an adequate return on your investment. You’re here to stay.’ This long-term kind of commitment is essential, according to Doherty, but can lead to stale marriages if not accompanied by intentionality.
“By intentionality, Doherty means making one’s marriage a high priority. During courtship, a couple’s relationship is front and center, as he puts it. After marriage, other things often take priority: careers and children, to name the most common. Having an intentional marriage means being conscious about maintaining a connection through, among other things, ‘a reservoir of marital rituals of connection and intimacy.’
“The main way to resist the forces that pull us apart —the natural drift of marriage over time and the insidious pull of the consumer culture —is to be a couple who carefully cultivates commitment and ways to connect over the years. Simply stated, the intentional couple thinks about their relationship, plans for their relationship, and acts for their relationship, mostly in simple, everyday ways and occasionally in big, splashy ways.
“Doherty gave me an example of a simple ritual that he and his wife developed during their child-rearing years. Every evening after dinner, they’d have coffee together —without children present. Their children knew they had to leave their parents alone for these few minutes.
“Years later Doherty asked his grown daughter what she had thought of that ritual as a child. She told him that it had made her feel safe because she knew it meant that her parents liked each other.”

We need to continue the rest of these thoughts in the next Marriage Message. We’ll pick up with William Doherty’s suggestions on how to make our marriages stronger through intentionality. Meanwhile, if your spouse would do so, go through this message as a couple, and talk about the kinds of things you could do to build intentionality (also be called rituals) into your marriage.
Here’s one example of what we’re talking about. We know a couple that are both very active in ministry. It’s the kind of work that could easily keep them apart. However, early into their ministry they became intentional in that they would have a “coffee date” (just the two of them) once a week to talk and discuss matters that are important to them and just enjoy conversing together –a time just to reconnect. They’re adamant about protecting this time together. Get the idea?
They’ve told us that this has strengthened their bond as a husband and wife. What about you? What can you do to become more intentional in making the time to connect emotionally with each other? Think and pray about it and we’ll give more on this topic in the next Marriage Message.
Please know that our love and prayers are with you as together we work together to “reveal and reflect the Heart of Christ in our marriages.”

When “Love Subsides” – Marriage

“What happens to cause the death of romantic love for our spouse? Why does this death happen to most of us four to ten years into our relationships? One main reason: We stop doing the things that create deep emotional feelings.” (David Clarke, Ph.D.)

That sounds logical doesn’t it? But too often when life gets busy the first thing we forget to do is to take care of our love for each other. That’s what we’d like to discuss this week. We’ll be gleaning thoughts on this subject from the book, “Men Are Clams, Women Are Crowbars,” written by Dr. David Clarke. On this subject he writes:

“Our initial love for each other springs up without effort. When we first meet and are going out, the passion is just there! Boom! We instantly get it. It grabs us, and we’re swept along by this amazing, intoxicating river. It’s chemistry; it’s infatuation; it’s hormones; at least, in the beginning of the relationship. Our feelings of love aren’t connected to the higher intellectual centers of the brain. For once, even the man’s logic deserts him. It’s all one big emotional chain reaction.
“We have the feelings first. And the feelings motivate us to do things that are intense and exciting. Feelings come first, and then behavior. This is how all love relationships start. Because we’re ‘in love,’ we become a couple. We go out and do fun things together. We laugh and play and touch. Everything we do is driven by the feelings we have for each other.
“As our original feelings leave (hormones only carry us so far), we slowly stop doing loving behaviors. We end up, most of us, with the emotional connectiveness gone —wondering what happened —wondering why we are so far apart. We look at our spouse, and there’s no spark —no heart-pumping, adrenaline-rushing reaction. There’s just a certain fondness —an affection —a ‘you’re a nice person’ familiarity. It’s fine to feel that way about great-uncle Harvey or a household pet —but not about the person we married!
“Right here, many couples quit. When the feelings of being in love are gone, they think it’s gone forever, and they’ll never get it back. So they throw in the marital towel. ‘It was a nice run, but this is the end of the road.’ The relationship is, for all intents and purposes, over. A slow, hideous death begins. The couple will do one of two things. They’ll stay together out of duty and just bump along in a cold, emotionless marriage. Or, they’ll get divorced and try again with a new partner, and often the same cycle takes place.
“The culture’s answer to this loss is divorce. Culture says: ‘Look, nobody stays together forever. Life is too short to keep on suffering in this marriage. You have only 70 or 80 years to live. Get out while you’re still young enough to attract someone else. The kids will be fine. You’re just hurting the kids anyway by staying in your marriage.’
“Millions of persons, followers and non-followers of Christ are taking culture’s advice. I should say Satan’s advice. That’s who is really sending this message. It’s too bad, because those who leave marriage when the emotions leave never get to the good stuff. They quit too soon! Real, deep, lasting love is only reached after your initial emotional feelings run out, after the “cloud nine” experience. That’s when you can build the marriage God wants you to have.
“I see clients all the time in my office who want to divorce. They feed me culture’s advice, trying to persuade me to believe it. They’re disappointed and tell me: ‘We just fell out of love.’ I reply: ‘I know. Of course you did. Everybody does. That’s not a good enough reason to divorce.’
“Frustrated, they try again: ‘but, you don’t understand. I don’t love my spouse anymore.’ I respond: ‘I do understand. So? I’m not surprised. One partner always runs out of infatuation before the other. It just happened to be you. That’s still no reason to get divorced.’ I tell these clients that every couple loses their original love. It is a difficult and painful place to be. But it isn’t unusual. It’s universal. Then I tell them that now is the best time to build a real marriage. A marriage based not on infatuation, but on authentic love —the genuine article.
“I tell them: ‘you haven’t had a marriage yet. You’ve had a nice run on infatuation and hormones. That’s over and now you have a choice. You can divorce and have three, maybe four more infatuations before you die and never know true love. Or, you can build one great love relationship with the person you’re married to now. What’s it going to be?’
“I share God’s perspective with these out-of-love clients: ‘God wants you to stay in your marriage. He wants you to avoid the pain and suffering divorce inflicts on its victims. God’s perspective is eternal. It’s not 80 years and it’s over. It’s 80 years on earth, and then living forever in heaven or hell.’
“I try to convince these clients that, with God’s help, they can forge a brand-new marriage. Some have already been divorced, and are still searching for love. I tell them they can find an intimate, forever love with their present marriage partner. What I tell them is: ‘your marriage is dead. Go ahead and bury it. Let’s start over and make a marriage that is filled with life and love.’
“At the point in the marriage when you lose your feelings of love you have to do something revolutionary —something you’ve never done before. You have to reverse the process. You have to begin doing loving behaviors in order to bring back the emotional feelings. You won’t just wake up one morning and suddenly have the feelings back. It doesn’t work that way.
“From now on, it will be behavior first, and then feelings. For the rest of your life as a couple, you will have to work hard at creating and maintaining loving emotions. It’s worth the effort; believe me, because the alternative is grim. Living without loving feelings for each other is depressing and empty, and not pleasing to God. This isn’t what God had in mind when He designed marriage.
“God wants you to experience the deepest human love possible with your partner. And if you do the right things, you’ll get an ever-deepening love with your marriage partner. This love will be much more fulfilling than the hormone-driven love you had for each other back at the beginning. Loving emotions is like a fire. You must keep adding logs to keep it going.”

Amen! Amen! Amen! This is exactly what God showed us when years ago our own love had died for each other. But when we seriously committed our marriage to God and started to do loving things for each other, our feelings of love started to grow and became stronger than we ever thought possible.
It is our deepest hope that every Christian couple that reads this message will put the intentional effort in, to help your marriage relationship grow, as God would ordain. In doing so, you will experience an enduring love for each other beyond your imagination –one that reveals and reflects the heart of Christ. We pray the best for you, now and in the future.

Loving as God Would Have Us – Marriage Message

There’s an expression that says, “It’s as plain as the nose on your face.” There’s some truth to this as it pertains to how we’re to live our lives within our marriages, as Christ-followers.
If both marriage partners truly applied the principles, which are outlined throughout the Word of God —the Bible, there wouldn’t be all of the divorcing going on, which we see today. Homes would be places of peace rather than fighting grounds, and there wouldn’t be children who cry themselves to sleep at night because their mommy and daddy fight so much and are abandoning their marital vows. Most importantly of all—God would be well pleased.
What we’ve discovered is that the principles for loving each other in marriage are the same principles for living, as presented throughout the Bible. The problem is, these principles are often not lived out, as they should be, both within the home and outside of it.
The Bible tells us, “Do not merely listen to the word and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in the mirror and after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.” (James 1:23-25).
How we pray you will be blessed in your marriage. But blessing comes by living in obedience to God’s word consistently –living God’s way, rather than man’s.
Like Noah, we’re to live, as we should, even if everyone else around us lives otherwise. In Noah’s day, everyone else lived contrary to God’s ways, but everyone else was wrong. Even if no one else approves or understands, we still need to follow God’s pattern for living —without changing His instructions. This isn’t easy, by any stretch of the imagination. But lets face it, there’s nothing easy about living as a child of God. It never has been easy and it never will be.
Jesus said, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self? If anyone is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels.” (Luke 9:23-26)
It’s one thing to SAY we believe in God and we believe in His Word —the Bible. But it’s another to be authentic and LIVE what we say we believe. If we aren’t living God’s truth both within our home and marriages, as well as outside of it, we’re no better than “white washed tombs” —we look good on the outside for others to see, but there’s rottenness within.
To be a follower of Christ means we aren’t to be distracted from LIVING Christ, no matter where we are, no matter what. As Elisabeth Elliot says, “God has ordained that we participate.” We’re to participate in living out that which God expects, and not manipulate it to our way of thinking.
When we look at what we’re told in Luke 9:23, the question can be asked, “What type of ‘denying’ is involved in marriage? Essentially, it involves emptying ourselves of anything that stands in the way of living our lives, as God would have us. It’s:

• “Speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15) —motivated by loving our spouse’s ultimate good beyond even our own comfort. This involves speaking truth in a way that is respectful, and GOD honoring. If no other reason, we’re to speak respectfully to our spouse as if we are speaking it “as unto the Lord.”

• Being “slow to speak, and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires” (James 1:19).

• Not letting “any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29). We need to remember that not only is our spouse hearing what we say and how we say it but so is God and others. Is what you’re saying and how you’re saying it benefiting those who hear your words?

• Getting “rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice” (Ephesians 4:31) —that’s what denying yourself involves.

• Being “kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32) is also what God expects of us.

• Being “imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children” and living “a life of love just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (Ephesians 5:1-2) is something else God expects of His children.

• To “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” —a command both for the wife and the husband as outlined in the Bible in Ephesians 5:21-33, is important in a Christian marriage.

As you live out these principles in your marriage, not only will you, your spouse and your household be blessed, but others will be given the opportunity to better see the heart of Christ reflected in your lives together.
To view, and possibly discuss with your spouse, other love-reflecting, Godly principles, as laid out in the Bible, we put together a long list of scriptures, which you can read (and copy) by clicking onto the link below:

• SCRIPTURES TO BRING YOU CLOSER TOGETHER IN YOUR MARRIAGE 

If you think you’re too busy to read God’s Word together, author/speaker Zig Ziglar (a very in-demand business consultant) gives the following tip:

“Even though my travels take me out of town a great deal, I call my wife each evening at an appointed time and we discuss what the day’s Scriptures have meant to each of us.”

Great idea, huh? If that won’t work for you, then ask God to help you think outside the box to FIND a way. It’s amazing how resourceful we can be, if we really determine to do something.
This can be a challenge for us all! (Steve and I are doing this too.) And if you don’t have a spouse that will do this with you, ask God to partner all the more in speaking to you through His Word to help you to be the spouse He wants you to be —one He can minister to and through.
May God bless you as you in your efforts to reflect the heart of Christ in your marriage,

Expectations in Marriage – Marriage Message

If we’re completely honest, we all came into our marriages with unrealistic expectations, which eventually took us by surprise. Even though this can be both disappointing and frustrating, we don’t have to continually live that way.
To help us work through these issues, in this Marriage Message, we’re providing some practical advice, which we found in the book, “Marriage— Clues for the Clueless,” published by Barbour Publishing. Please prayerfully consider the following:

FOUR PROFOUND LAWS ABOUT EXPECTATIONS:

1. We ALL have them about EVERYTHING (from books to movies, from holidays to how we spend our days off).
2. The degree to which reality fails to measure up to our expectations is the degree to which we will feel disappointed.
3. Repeated disappointments may lead to disenchantment, despair, or even disgust.
4. These first three laws are especially at work in marriage.
A few of the main areas about which married couples have expectations:

• Intimate Issues  •  Spending Patterns  •  Holidays  •  Time with Family  •  Vacations •  Exercise  •  Use of Free Time  •  Communication  •  Diet •   Habits/Styles  •  Hobbies  •  Shopping  •  Clothes  •  Sleep Habits  •  Pets •  Time Apart  •  Socializing  •  Children (how many, discipline, etc.) •  Decorating •  Finances (giving, saving, investing)  •  Roles (as a husband or wife)  •  Entertainment

Are any of these areas ones that you’ve had conflicts over? Well, marital expectations are generally subconscious and seldom verbalized, so that, for example, HE comes into the marriage “assuming” that the husband and wife go to bed together at 10 o’clock. (After all, this is what his mother and father did.)
Meanwhile SHE is envisioning that they will stay up late and if she isn’t tired at the same time he is, she can stay up later. (Because this is what was modeled for her as she was growing up.) Do you see the potential for disappointment or conflict?
What can couples do to minimize the disappointment?
1. Talk about your expectations. The ideal time to clarify expectations is before marriage. It’s really helpful to know (prior to saying, “I do”) that, while your heart is set on five or six kids, your beloved is expecting maybe one (& only if that one can come with a low-maintenance guarantee.)
However, every couple (even after the wedding) is wise to make a list like the one above and work through it together. And that leads to the next important step.
2. Compromise. If SHE wants to hang the giant cat picture over the living room sofa, but HE was expecting many motif-like heads of slain animals, clearly both sides need to give a little. Stubbornness will get you nowhere. Well, actually, it will get you lots of places… they’re just not places a couple needs to go.
3. Do away with unrealistic expectations. If you’re both schoolteachers (and thus, like all educators, vastly underpaid) it’s probably not realistic to expect that you and your spouse will be able to spend each summer at your own private villa overlooking the Mediterranean. Be a bit more reasonable. Lower your sights a tad. If you’re really careful and creative, you might be able to afford an annual camping trip to some national park.
4. Learn the difference between hoping for something and demanding something. Example: While at the office Dave catches a whiff of perfume. Somehow (and scientists are not sure how this happens since this is such a rare phenomenon among men) this scent causes Dave to envision an intimate evening with his wife Dianne.
As he mulls over the prospect in his mind, he moves subtly from, “Man, that sure would be romantic!” to “By golly, I’m going for it tonight!” Now Dave has an expectation (perhaps even a demanding spirit). What happens now if he gets home and Dianne has a headache?
5. Learn the art of contentment. Be appreciative for what you’ve got. Develop an attitude of gratitude. Those with long “wish lists” tend to be the unhappiest people.
The Apostle Paul gives us the picture of what a Christ-followers attitude should be in Philippians 4:11-12 where he says, “For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.”
6. Be accepting. Romans 15:7 encourages us to accept one another, just as Christ has accepted us. It’s wise to apply this principle when discussing expectations with your spouse. Yeah, his expectation of “no leftovers ever” is a bit extreme. But so is your expectation that he never be a minute late anywhere.

Now would be a good time begin the process of looking at areas in your marriage, where you’ve encountered conflict (tackling them one by one), to find ways to work as a determined team THROUGH these issues to arrive at a more peaceful compromise. Proverbs 24:32 says, “I applied my heart to what I observed and learned a lesson from what I saw.”
Keep in mind that it’s not just what you’ve lived through, but what you’ve “learned through” that is important. We challenge you to apply what was presented above to build relationship bridges, rather than the growing walls of contention you’ve lived with in the past. Prayerfully do this with the Holy Spirit as your Wonderful Counselor, and like us, you will stand amazed!
May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! (Romans 15:5-6)

I’ll Never Be Able to Change – Marriage Message

“You are not responsible for what happened to you in the past, but you ARE responsible for what you do with your life now. Do you have the courage to be who you were meant to be?” –Cathryn L. Taylor

When we marry we bring all of the experiences of our past with us —both positive and negative. These experiences have shaped so much of how we view things and how we conduct ourselves in situations. While we can’t change the past, we do have the power to change the present and future. That’s what we learn from Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg’s book, Healing the Hurt in Your Marriage (Tyndale House Publishers).
On this particular issue, they wrote:

“For many years now, Barb and I (Gary) have heard a litany of familiar complaints from husbands and wives who came into their marriages negatively influenced by our culture and their families of origin.
“Speaking of their own marriages and hurts, they say things like: ‘I just don’t know how to do this right’; ‘I grew up in a dysfunctional home, so I don’t know what normal is’; ‘No one ever taught me how to deal with conflicts’; ‘My parents’ example is so ingrained in me, I’ll never be able to change.’
“You may feel the same hopelessness, the same inability to change. You may feel destined to live out the same ineffective patterns in your own marriage. But that’s like giving up on a garden because the soil is too hard or too rocky or infested with weeds. Have you ever hear of a pick, shovel, hoe, soil amendments, and a little hard work?
“In the same way you can change the condition of soil and unlearn bad patterns of dealing with conflict and learn new ones. It’s never too late to learn and implement the biblical principles for forgiving love.
“It is our God-given responsibility to cultivate good soil in our marriage relationships so that our children and grandchildren will have a biblical pattern to follow in their marriages.
“The psalmist wrote: ‘For [God] issued his decree to Jacob; he gave his law to Israel. He commanded our ancestors to teach them to their children, so the next generation might know them—even the children not yet born—that in turn might teach their children. So each generation can set its hope anew on God, remembering his glorious miracles and obeying his commands ‘ (Psalm 78:5-7).
“As you divorce-proof your marriage through forgiving love, you will help your children to divorce-proof their marriages.
“So what are you doing to alter the patterns you learned? How are you making your marriage different from that of your parents? How can you bequeath to your children a family legacy that is more biblical and positive than that of your family of origin?
“You look at this responsibility in two ways. You can think of it as a tremendous burden and a lot of hard work. Or you can welcome it as an opportunity to pass on to your children something that was not passed on to you. Even if you didn’t grow up in a healthy home, you can commit yourself to developing healthy patterns for resolving conflict.
“The family you came from is important, but it’s not as important as the family you’ll leave behind. Identify from your family of origin the barriers to communication and healthy conflict resolution. Gain whatever insight you can from the past, deal with the emotional pain of it, and then move on to developing new patterns that include confession and forgiveness of offenses and healing of hurts.
“As you leave behind and begin to create a more positive present, you’ll bless the next generation. One way or another, you will leave your handprints all over the personalities and hearts of your children. Will you leave behind a generation that will reach the world for Christ, or will you give up at the daunting task and let them go their own way?
“What are you doing to give your children the spiritual training and skills they will need for their lives and marriages? What kind of godly heritage are you leaving them? The key is found in establishing a home that honors God, a home where each individual is encouraged to develop a relationship with Jesus, a home where people make mistakes and fail each other but recognize they have the power, through God, to be transformed.
“Conflict in your marriage is inevitable, but you don’t have to remain trapped in the dysfunctional patterns of resolving conflict you learned from your parents or the world around you.”

Cindy and I believe that each of us, as couples, have a responsibility to break free from whatever negative patterns we brought into our marriage. Even if we’ve been married 39+ years it’s not too late to change. After all isn’t that what Jesus specializes in —making us into new creations?
Yes. But we must cooperate with the process because He won’t force it on us —we’re given a free will. If we pro-actively seek and participate, the positive changes are nothing less than amazing!
If your marriage is going in an unhealthy direction, that’s what we encourage you to do, work with God in doing whatever you can to re-direct it in a good direction. Your children deserve to have a healthy, God-honoring marriage modeled for them. Please don’t buy into the lie that you’ll “never be able to change” or that once things are bad, they won’t get better. That’s just not true.
Even if you never had a good marriage modeled for you, that doesn’t mean that you can’t do what it takes, in working with God, to eventually live within and model a good marriage for your children and those God brings your way.
Go with God, knowing that He is “able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us” (Ephesians 3:20). 
Steve and Cindy Wright
A friend of this ministry, Shelley, who is a prayer counselor from Canada, sent us the following prayer, which God inspired her to write. We believe it’s appropriate for every one of us to consider praying this —that God reveals Truth to us, and shows us where we need to change, so that we may participate with Him more fully as He works within us and in the lives of those He brings our way:

Father,
Thank you, that if we ask You — You will reveal the inner motivation of our hearts…
Show us where we are wounded and offended. In Your great mercy, show us where we have come into wrong agreements with the enemy, agreements that skew our thinking… wrong agreements where we agree that we are self-justified in our anger and judgements.
Help us to learn to test our thoughts and see if they proceed from the Spirit, the flesh or the enemy. Help us to understand what the “fruit” of our thought will be, whether fruits of the Spirit, bringing love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control or “fruit of the enemy” —bitterness, wrath… condemnation… causing a closed heart, inability to trust… bringing isolation.
Break our hearts in love before You; that we may respond to and from Your great love. You are our Great Healer. All of our understanding flows from a heart that is soft and responsive to You.
Thank you for your great love O God, for your healing and cleansing through Jesus Christ, Amen.