A Message to the Desperate Wife By Germaine Copeland

If you are a desperate wife ready for change (or if you know someone who in an abusive situation), this message is for you.  Be assured that you are not alone.  You have many sisters from different walks of life who suffer along with you, often in silence.  God hates the abuse of His women whether it is mental, emotional or physical.  Always, remember God loves you and so do I. 
Frequently, a desperate wife contacts our ministry asking us to pray that God will fix her husband.  The husband may have an addiction, may be living with another woman; he may be abusing her and the children, or participating in illegal activities.  The list of possibilities is long.  Usually the wife wants us to pray that God will make her husband change. 
God doesn't make anyone do anything.  He provides everyone with opportunities to change, but God allows each person (husband and wife) the freedom to choose right or wrong, blessings or cursings.  Your mate got where he is today because of his choices.  As difficult as it may be to admit, you are where you are today because of your choices. 
If you will allow me to be your mentor during the reading of this message, I will share with you how to apply godly principles that will enable you to lay aside the victim mentality, and help you renew your mind to God’s view of who you are – a woman of valor, influence and great courage.  God has sent His Holy Spirit to be your Counselor, Helper, Advocate and Intercessor, and He has given you the power to arise from the weariness and hopelessness of circumstances that attempt to ensnare you.  You may be the desperate wife who is waiting on God to do something; God is waiting on you. 
Religion would have us believe that divorce is the unforgivable sin, but we know that isn't true.  There was a time when I always discouraged divorce, but that changed after I saw someone very close to me literally wasting away.  After seven years of marriage, this desperate wife who is a daughter of the Most High God looked like the walking dead.  I didn't know her situation, but I knew that she needed deliverance.  My heart began to cry out to God asking Him to surround her with songs of deliverance. 
The day came when this beaten down woman asked to talk with me.  She shared that she had given her husband an ultimatum: either go to marriage counseling and give up his addiction to pornography or move out.  She could no longer live with the disrespect and degradation – the mental and emotional abuse.  The confrontation was a scary thing for her, but the Holy Spirit was faithful to give her counsel, help and strength; the courage to rise to the standard of righteousness.  Her husband chose to leave, but God went before her and prepared the way.  After a period of resolving some of her personal issues, she met and married a Christian man who loves God.  (She committed her ex-husband into the keeping and care of God.) Her testimony is one of many that we receive proclaiming the goodness of God. 
All testimonies are not the same.  A few years ago one woman shared how God revealed His love for her, and she wanted more than anything to obey Him.  One day while praying about her marriage she felt led to stay put even though she was in an abusive situation.  God gave her the grace to withstand her husband’s next two half-hearted attempts of abuse without railing against him (a big change for her).  In a short time this man repented with tears and confessed Jesus as His Lord.  His repentance was for real, and he became a loving husband.  (This wife's behavior changed so drastically that her husband wanted to know what had happened to her.  When she shared with him, he wanted to surrender his life to her God who changes those things we can’t change.) Isn't this what every woman who lives with abuse desires?  Yes, but it doesn't always end this way!
Another woman shared with us that God told her to leave, and he prepared the way of her escape even providing income and a home for her.  She never divorced her husband, but because of her stand for righteousness, he came to know the Lord not long before he died.  The key features of these testimonies were the same.  These women obeyed God by walking in love and maintaining a humble spirit. 
I urge all women in difficult circumstances to let go of the victim mentality, denounce self-pity, and reject feelings of powerlessness; embrace the God-given power to choose.  God has sent the Holy Spirit to guide you and give you the strength and courage to obey Him.  You will be given the wisdom and experience the power to make choices that bring honor and glory to God. 

Steps to Finding the Will of God for your Marriage

First: Seek Righteousness

In spite of adversity, seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right).  There are many prayers in Prayers That Avail Much that will help you stay focused on God's will, purpose and plan for your life. 
In First Samuel 25 we read about a wise woman named Abigail.  She was the wife of a wealthy man who was not only ungodly but also despicable.  Even when he chose to do the wrong thing, she did what was right.  She did not stoop to the level of her circumstances, and she was later blessed for her righteousness.  F.B. Meyer writes in his commentary, “Do not step down to the level of your circumstances, but lift them to your own high calling in Christ.” (Taken from AMPLIFIED BIBLE, Copyright©1954, 1958, 1962, 1965, 1987 by The Lockman Foundation.  All rights reserved.  Used by permission.)
“Give me understanding and I will obey Your instructions; I will put them into practice with all my heart.”  Psalm 119:34 NLT

Second: Seek God's Perspective

Purpose to see beyond the present circumstances.  It is important to remember that circumstances are always temporal and subject to change, yet that which is eternal will never change. 
For my thoughts are not Your thoughts, neither are Your ways my ways, saith the Lord.   Isaiah 55:8 KJV
Follow the Lord daily, and he will direct your path.  Joshua and the Hebrew army didn't see any sense to God&'s instructions to march around the city day after day, yet they trusted in God's perspective.  Their obedience led to deliverance. 
The Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way?   Proverbs 20:24 NLT

Third: Seek to Renew Your Mind

Let go of obsessive thinking and compulsive behavior in order to avoid spiritual shipwreck!  Negative thoughts lead to discouragement and despair.  They make situations worse.  Disappointments don't have to lead to despondency. 
I lie in the dust; revive me by Your word.  Psalm 119:25 NLT
The author of Psalm 119 knew of disappointments, but he also knew of the power of God’s word.  When you meditate on the word of God, you become more like Him.  You will find yourself thinking positive, hopeful thoughts.  God will release His great power and do great things for you.  As you fill your mind with God's words, you will notice that the fruit of the spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) begins to manifest in your actions. 
And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.   Romans 12:2a NKJV

Fourth: Seek Peace

A born-again spouse must hold up a pattern of right behavior in an unfortunate marriage.  This may mean that a wife will have to give an ultimatum while trusting God with the outcome, in order to keep her in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake.  The Scriptures tell us that if an unbelieving spouse desires to leave, let him/her go. 
But if the unbelieving partner [actually] leaves, let him do so; in such [cases the remaining] brother or sister is not morally bound.  But God has called us to peace.  1 Corinthians 7:15 AMP
God has called you to peace! God Himself is your exceeding great joy.  He has promised that you shall go out with joy and be led forth with peace. 
A wife needs to remember that she is not her husband's savior!  There is only one Savior, and His name is Jesus! Therefore, if God be for you, who can be against you?
His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:7b NLT
Are you ready to do things God’s way or would you rather continue as you are?  You cannot change your situation unless you change the way you do things.  Someone once said that if you keep doing the same thing over and over, you will get the same results over and over. 
I am praying for you that your faith will not fail. 
And did not God make [you and your wife] one [flesh]?  Did not One make you and preserve your spirit alive?  And why [did God make you two] one?  Because He sought a godly offspring [from your union].  Therefore take heed to yourselves, and let no one deal treacherously and be faithless to the wife of his youth.  For the Lord, the God of Israel, says: I hate divorce and marital separation and him who covers his garment [his wife] with violence.  Therefore keep a watch upon your spirit [that it may be controlled by My Spirit], that you deal not treacherously and faithlessly [with your marriage mate].  Malachi 2:15-16 AMP

My Spiritual Battle for Deliverance By Sharon L. Fawcett

 

Walking down the long hospital corridor, I sensed that with each step I took, I was losing a piece of myself. As I passed through the door at the end of the hallway, I knew my life would never be the same. I felt defeated and confused. What’s someone like me doing in a place like this? I wondered. It was my first admission to a hospital psychiatric ward; somewhere I had never expected to be. I had always been one of those people who had it all together, or so it seemed. As a child and teenager I was a good student and a leader in school activities. As an adult I was busy in my church, singing, leading children’s choir, teaching Sunday school, and serving on various committees. Now it seemed my days of achieving had ended; getting showered and dressed each day were my biggest accomplishments.
I had been a Christian most of my life, asking Jesus to be my Savior when I was five years old. God had blessed me with a wonderful husband, Tim, and two beautiful daughters. Lauren was three and a half and we had just celebrated Jenna’s first birthday. It seemed that I had everything to live for, but my mind was consumed with thoughts of death. I was 26 years of age.

Longing for Peace

For some reason, beyond my realm of understanding at that time, I had become overwhelmed with despondency. Instead of looking forward to each new day, I dreaded waking up. I had lost the desire to play with my children. Lying on the couch watching them play was the best I could do. I used to love talking to my girls, telling them stories and listening to their chatter, but even the sound of their voices had become irritating. I no longer wanted to talk, to listen, or to answer anyone’s questions. I just wanted to be alone.

None of my previous hobbies or activities interested me anymore. I didn’t want to leave the house, or my bed. All I wanted to do was sleep, eternally, if possible.

Struggling to Survive

My admission to the psychiatric ward was an attempt to protect me from myself—I had expressed thoughts of suicide to my physician. The admitting psychiatrist prescribed an antidepressant medication and told my husband, “In a couple of weeks, Sharon should feel well enough to go home.” I was there for eight months, and that was just my first hospitalization.
The diagnosis came easily: major clinical depression complicated by personality disorders. The cure was more complex. In the next nine years I accepted every form of treatment offered to me: twenty different antidepressant medications, nearly 200 electroconvulsive treatments (shock treatments), and many other forms of therapy. I spent 80 weeks as a patient in hospital psychiatric wards. The quest for healing became my occupation.

Life Marches On

Depression is a strange illness. Most terminally ill people have a spirit that longs to live, even though the body is dying. As a depressed person, I felt that my spirit had already died, my body just refused to follow it to the grave.

I was torn between my desire to end my own suffering and the knowledge that in so doing I would be leaving a legacy of incredible pain and sorrow for my daughters and my husband. My choice to live was not easy on them either.
My children had to deal with the reality of having a mother who could not care for them. My husband had a partner who was unable to contribute anything to the marriage. Tim became my caregiver and assumed the roles of mother and father to our girls, making a conscious effort to provide them with the affection, support, and love that they needed.

The Beginning of the End
Years passed but my depression remained. It was as though tiny bandages had been placed on a large, gaping wound; but it continued to bleed and would not heal. Finally, after nine years of medical care, my diagnosis was changed to refractory depression—depression that does not respond adequately to treatment.
I was baffled. It seemed that nearly a decade of my life had been wasted searching for a cure that did not come. Precious years with my husband and children had been lost forever. I deemed myself a failure as a wife, a mother, and a Christian. Now, it seemed, I was a failure as a psychiatric patient, as well. Refractory depression felt like a death sentence.
My doctor had given me excellent medical treatment over the years, but I began to realize that while those in the mental health profession had done all they could to treat my body and mind (by treating my brain chemistry and emotions), a key element of my being had never really been considered: my spirit. So, I took my pastor’s advice and began to see a Christian counselor.
Berys was unlike any counselor or therapist I had ever spoken to. “I don’t have all the answers,” she said, “but the Lord does.” Together, through prayer, we invited Him into the counseling process. He revealed much to me.

Beautiful Truth
I learned that the roots of my depression were not biochemical or emotional, as I had assumed, but spiritual. I discovered many lies I had believed my entire life, which greatly affected my personality and influenced the way I had chosen to live. One of the most destructive untruths was that I was not good enough. As a young child I began to feel that I was somehow flawed, substandard, inferior. I lived my life trying to prevent others from discovering how worthless I really was. Lacking a healthy sense of my own value, I became dependent on the approval of those around me to make me feel good about myself, earning their praise through performing, people pleasing, and perfectionism. It became a costly addiction. I burned out at the age of 26, unable to “do” anymore.
As I sat in Berys’ office one afternoon, the Holy Spirit spoke softly to my wounded, weary soul. He told me that I was not the worthless person I had always believed I was. Sharon Fawcett was the handiwork of the Creator of the universe, made in His image.

My work was of no consequence. My achievements did not matter. What I did or who I was did not determine my worth—whose I was did. I was a beloved child of the King! Believing this truth would transform me. No longer would I have to strive for the approval of others. God’s opinion of me was all that mattered, and He loved me just the way I was. I was free to discover His purpose for my life.
Prior to beginning Christian counseling, I had lost almost all hope of ever getting well and believed that my days on earth were nearing an end. But now God whispered, “I have plans for you, Little One, a future full of hope!” He promised, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart…and I will bring you back from captivity” (Jeremiah 29:13,14). And so, I sought Him—continuously—by studying His Word, listening to His voice, and praying. God fulfilled His promise. Within three months of my initial meeting with the Christian counselor, my depression was gone. I never returned to the psychiatric ward, never had another electroconvulsive treatment, and I no longer needed medication, or the care of a psychiatrist. Six years have passed and I remain free!

New Life
At one time I believed depression was the end of life for me; I now see that it was the beginning of a new, glorious life. My despondency caused me to withdraw from the world around me and offered a rare opportunity to become intimately acquainted with myself. Desperation provided the motivation required to delve into areas of my being that had never been explored, and to make some vital changes within. Although depression is not something that I would have chosen for myself, I am now grateful for the blessings I reaped because of it: an understanding of my true identity and worth, an intimate relationship with God, and a strong faith in Him to protect, direct, and provide.

Christian television host Willard Thiessen once stated, “Sometimes what looks to us like destruction is actually what God will use for our absolute deliverance.” I believe! Through depression, I was rescued from a life lived for the wrong purpose, an exhausting existence in a dry, harsh territory and delivered to a new land, blooming with joy and watered by peace.
My perspective on suffering has changed. While unpleasant, I know that pain serves a purpose in the life of a Christian. I am also keenly aware that while our difficulties may seem insurmountable at times, there is nothing that God cannot do, and nothing He cannot use for our good.

Jesus Delivered From Spirit Of Bondage & Depression

Praise the Lord!

I was born and brought up in a christian family and was grown in faith. I accepted the Lord at a very early age and was filled with the joy of salvation. As I grew up, I guess I might not have safe guarded my life with the weapons Bible provides to safeguard life. Slowly I started being under the bondage of a spirit of blaspheme. I keep thinking and blaspheming all the things of God/Jesus in the mind and then keep crying to myself. Slowly this had led me to depression and had to even take pills which only increased my depression and affected my health. I started having a heavy heart and a burden felt within. I was unable to enjoy anything. I was unable to praise God and started thinking of the days I glorified God joyfully which made me still more depressed. Then I started looking around if their is a means of deliverance from this great bondage.

I struggled with it for few years. After my marriage, I shared the sad state of my mind with my husband and we prayed together with tears. There were days, months and years spent in tears and prayers. We started approaching ministers of God for prayer, but their was no full deliverance. I pleaded with God for a deliverance and was looking for the cause which could be a family curse or bondage that has taken hold of me. By persistent faith, God slowly helped me get out of it. After I delivered my second baby, things changed and now I am able to enjoy life and praise God as my early childhood. When a man of God prayed over me he mentioned that God had delivered me from a cage that was set by the devil and has set me free. I realized it myself and glory be to His holy name.
Sometimes we don't understand why we come across such situations in life but God is in control of everything. He is our deliverer.

After being delivered from this clutch I was having a kind of wheezing and unable to breath many times in a day. I confessed in my heart with the words "By His stripes I was healed". By confessing it frequently God has set me free without any doctor or medicines. Glory be to his name. He is our healer.

Rely On Yourself To Stop Sexual Addiction

Group think doesn't work.
Allan had spent three years in the Twelve Step Program. He felt that he had learned a lot and made a lot of new friends. But he was still going to prostitutes, using pornography, and masturbating at work.
About six months before he called me he met Louise. He kept his Twelve Step meetings secret from her because he did not want her to know about his past.

He cared for her so much that he stopped all his sexually addictive behavior for the first three months of their relationship. Then he slowly returned to masturbation and pornography.
One night he picked up a prostitute. At the last minute he told her he didn't want to go through with it. He knew that if he did not get help, the next time he would go all the way.
A friend suggested he call me.
Because of his love for Louise, I was able to give him enough insights during our initial session to keep him from going back to the prostitute.
It was the first time in years he felt he actually had a chance of overcoming his addiction and building a good relationship with someone he cared for.
There was still a long way to go. Some of the mistaken ideas Allan had picked up from the Twelve Step program were:
You must surrender your privacy to use the 12-step approach
-Public confession is required to overcome your addiction:
Allan had spent years confessing his sexually addictive behavior at open meetings anyone could attend.
The 12 step program discourages self-reliance
-You are not supposed to face your problem on your own:
Allan believed that without a support group available to him 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, he was helpless.
He would spend hours on the phone talking to other Twelve Steppers about his problems. Sometimes it would help. Other times, after he finished the call, he would go on a sexually addictive binge.
-"Group think" is cool:
Twelve Steppers do not refer to themselves as individuals. Read the Twelve Steps for yourself. The word "I" is not used. Allan would make comments like, "Our addiction makes us do things we regret."
I would reply, "No, Allan, you choose to do things you regret."
If you want to overcome sex addiction, don't expect a group to save you. You overcome sex addiction or any other problem through your own, independent, self-reliant choices.

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The Twelve Step approach was started in the 30's by two alcoholics.
The Twelve Step sex addiction program is actually an alcohol program.
Don't make the mistake of treating a sex addiction problem as if it were a drinking problem
Compare the 12 steps for alcohol and the 12 steps for sex. You'll see that the only difference is that the sex addiction program substitutes the word "sex" for the word "alcohol."
You can go through life without alcohol. If you attempt to do the same with sex, you will be fighting nature. It is a fight you will lose. Or winning will bring you suffering.
Because the Twelve Step approach is actually an alcohol program, it considers celibacy a success. You can attend Twelve Step meetings and hear Twelve Steppers brag about not having sex for years. Newcomers are encouraged to avoid all sex, as one would avoid all alcohol.
Allan had considered himself a success if he had no sex. But it put him in a troubling conflict when he met Louise because he sexually desired her.
Life is meant to be enjoyed.
Sex is one of life's most profound pleasures.
Not only is it a pleasure, it's good for you. Celibacy is unhealthy. It represents a complete flight from the healthy demands of an intimate relationship.
In our second session I said to Allan, "I suggest that you and Louise have as much genuine loving sex as you possibly can." It was advice Allan and Louise happily applied.
In the Twelve Step Program, married people are also advised to refrain from all sexual relations for months. As far as I'm concerned, that advice increases the tension between the husband and wife and encourages the sexually addicted person to flee further into fantasy and sex addiction.
Instead of celibacy:
-Seek intimacy.
-Set a goal of achieving genuine loving sex with your partner.
-Seek total emotional and sexual commitment. In a good relationship you don't have one without the other. You need both to overcome sexual addiction. More importantly, you need both to enjoy life.

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Some people claim that sex addiction, or any other addiction, is a disease, like cancer.
Treating sex addiction as a disease will not help you. Here's why:
-You won't be able to rely on yourself:
Let's assume you are struck with a curable form of cancer. You would rely on a surgeon or medication to save you.
In the Twelve Step Program and conventional, licensed therapy, sex addiction is considered a disease that just happened to strike you. Supposedly, you must rely on a Higher Power or medication to overcome the disease for you.
Allan truly believed that he could not overcome sex addiction on his own because he was convinced he had a disease.
But, as you've seen, sex addiction is the result of your choices.
Only you can change you.
Allan's addiction did not begin with a disease. A Higher Power or medication did not overcome it. It began with Allan. Allan's own correct choices overcame it.
-You will have an attractive excuse to continue with your sexually addictive behavior:
If you were struck by cancer and your spouse said to you, "If you don't overcome your disease, I'm divorcing you," your spouse would be totally heartless.
Allan expected people to treat him as if he had been struck by cancer - and to accept whatever his "disease" supposedly forced him to do. His favorite line was, "The disease makes us lie."
Allan didn't have a chance of overcoming sex addiction until he admitted that he was fully responsible for his actions - and his lying.
-You will be in conflict with the mind's nature:
The mind is a wonderfully precise and powerfully logical instrument; it also dispenses a justice of its own.
As Allan accepted responsibility for his actions, his mind rewarded him with confidence to face his problems.
He also learned that his mind sent him a pain signal when he attempted to escape the responsibility for his actions.
Test it for yourself. The next time you act sexually addictive, tell yourself, "I'm diseased. There is nothing I can do about my actions. Someone has to come along and cure me."
At best, you might feel a temporary relief of guilt. But your mind will know that you are responsible for what you did. The guilt will return. And it will be more intense because you refused to accept responsibility for your actions.
Now try this: Tell yourself, "I got myself into this mess, and it's up to me to get myself out. I'll observe my actions, my thoughts, my feelings and then I'll look for a solution. I'll seek advice if necessary, but I know it's not up to the advisor to overcome my addiction; it's up to me."
Although that approach alone will not overcome your addiction, you will retain the dignity of being responsible for your actions. Without that dignity, your chances of overcoming sex addiction are just about zero.
-You will become dangerously confused:
You don't choose to get cancer or any other disease.
If you tell your mind, "I have a disease," your mind will not know if it should approach your addictive behavior as something you have a choice about, or something you don't have a choice about.
I helped Allan clear up his confusion by getting him to understand that his addiction was a result of choices that he made - and those choices could be changed only by him.
-The disease approach can be a big financial mistake:
Many medical professionals and conventional, licensed therapists will offer you an expensive hospital program to "cure" your supposed addiction disease.
Allan knew quite a few people who had spent thousands of dollars on hospital programs to overcome sexual addiction. He had never met one who had achieved long-term success.
-Your addiction is not a disease because:
It began with choices you made.
It continued on because of your choices.
Only your choices can overcome it.

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Make sure you are treated as a unique individual.
Anyone can attend Twelve Step meetings. The person sitting next to you might be a child molester, a stalker, or whatever.
Allan was well aware of this, but would not tell it to new people he was trying to get to join the program. He also knew, as did I, that there are people who go to Twelve Step meetings to get a sexual high from listening to the confessions. Others go to find new sex partners.
Most people attending the meetings sincerely want to overcome their addiction, just as Allan did, but even they don't know everyone who's there.
You are a unique individual with unique individual needs. The Twelve Step Program uses the term "We" instead of "I" because it does not consider you a unique individual. It considers you a helpless, diseased member of a group who must turn him or herself over to a Higher Power.
-You need an individual approach because:
If your only addictions are masturbation and pornography, you do not have the same problems a child molester does.
If you are faithful to your partner, you do not have the same conflict as someone who cheats on theirs.
If you have a history of long-term relationships, you do not have the same difficulties as someone who prefers short flings.
If your pattern is short-term failed relationships or one-night stands, you don't want to be treated like someone who has been married for 20 years.
-Now let's take a sobering look at the group therapy meetings run by the conventional, licensed therapy establishment. In these meetings:
You can end up in a room with at least one person who wants to dominate the sessions.
The other people in the group have no professional or legal requirement to keep anything you say private.
The person next to you has not overcome their addiction; that's why they are in the group. But they are more than willing give you their advice.
Would you go to a financial planner who can't afford to make his mortgage payments?
Would you hire a handyman who doesn't know the difference between a hammer and a drill?
You've heard the old saying, "the blind leading the blind." Group therapy is based on the assumption that the more blind people you get into the room, the better their eyesight becomes.
You overcome sex addiction by relying on your own unique way of thinking and feeling. If you get advice, make sure it's from someone who overcame sex addiction.

Stop Sex Addiction Here and Now Naturally

The popular approaches focus too much on the past.

The three most popular approaches to overcoming addiction are:

·          * Twelve Step Programs

·           *Conventional Licensed Therapy

·            *Religion

I call my approach Volitional Honesty (because it's based on free will and honesty).
The first reason it can help you is:
The answers to any personal problem - not only addiction, but depression, anxiety, guilt, phobias, hallucinations, suicidal feelings, anger, etc. - are in the here and now.
Let's find out why:
 Practicality.
Let's assume that you could correctly analyze everything that happened to you from the time you were born until you were eighteen. Besides the fact that it would take you years to do it, there is one big problem as obvious as today's date:
You are not the same person you were as a toddler or a teenager. You are an adult with adult problems and adult aspirations.
You did one of two things with any problem you developed in your childhood:
1 You overcame the problem and it is no longer an issue in your life. There is no need to go into the past and relive a painful problem you corrected, just as it would be ridiculous to constantly recall the pain of a broken back you overcame years ago.
2 You did not overcome the problem and it is still with you today. Since it's still with you today, the facts you need to focus on are in the present. Why go back and live through an agonizing childhood again? Unnecessary suffering makes it harder to overcome sex addiction or any other problem.
From the point of view of sheer practicality, look to the present for your answers because:
-A lousy childhood does not cause you to act sexually addictive today
-If your wife is threatening divorce because of your sexually addictive behavior, she's not angry at you because of your childhood. She's considering divorce because of what you're doing in the present. Telling her that Mommy didn't hug you enough will not save your marriage.
-An uncaring father you haven't lived with in 20 years cannot cause you to use pornography
-An overly critical mother cannot cause you to go on masturbation binges decades after she died.
-Focusing on the past is about as practical as walking back 10 miles to figure out where you picked up the nail that caused your flat tire. Why waste time going over old ground? It's wise to fix a problem in the least painful manner and quickly move on to better things.
Accuracy.
Do you remember what you said in the last disagreement you had with your partner? I'll bet your partner remembers it differently.
Memories are notoriously biased. We all use selective memory. If you want to remember pain, that's what you will find. If you want to remember the good times, you'll find them. If you tried to recall everything you experienced as a child, you still wouldn't know if your memory was accurate because there are as many sides to every story as there are people in it. If your father is dead, how will you get his side? If your mother doesn't agree with your version of events, who's right? Will you interview your friends, siblings, neighbors and teachers? How much credibility will you give their side of the story?
Analyzing the here and now is more reliable because:
-You have access to the people involved.
-The data is recent, so you're less likely to forget important facts.
-The data is relevant because it describes you as the person you are today, not the person you were 20, 30, or 40 years ago.

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Because of the widespread acceptance of conventional, licensed therapy many people believe, "The way my parents raised me caused me to become a sex addict." This kind of thinking creates victim psychology, anger and depression.
So let's look at these facts:
- Many people whose childhoods were as bad or worse than yours did not get sexually addicted.
- Many people who became sexually addicted had childhoods better than yours.
Consider the following questions and answers about your childhood. Even though you and I have never spoken, my answers are correct.
Question: Did you do everything your parents told you?
Answer: Of course not.
Did you disobey them all the time?
No.
Did you choose what to follow and what to rebel against?
Yes.
Were there kids who had it tougher than you and came out better than you?
Definitely.
Were there kids who had it better than you and came out worse?
Of course.
You are the result of your own decisions. I am the result of mine. Every human being is a result of his or her own free will choices. We are not victims.
Blaming your parents or society makes your problems worse.
A good example of how bad it can get is Ira. During his initial interview he seemed overly shy. I told him, "I'd like to help you build confidence." He replied, "Yeah, then I'd have the guts to kill some people." He wasn't kidding.
His rage was directed primarily at his co-workers.
I was not the first person he had contacted for help.
His first therapist had focused on his childhood. As a result, Ira's rage issues worsened and so did his sexually addictive behavior.
The next therapist dropped Ira as soon as he started talking about killing people.
The next therapist prescribed medication. Ira stopped that therapy because the medications had caused him either to lose his sex drive or indulge in imaginary killing sprees.
Ira's intended victims reminded him of some supposedly bad person in his childhood.
For instance, he felt that Maurice, a co-worker, had struck him in the face. I asked Ira: "How hard did Maurice hit you?" "Did you get a bruise?" "Why did he hit you?" Most of my work is done over the phone. I never saw Ira; that's why I asked him about bruises, etc.
Ira had not been hit. He had associated Maurice with a kid who had hit him 25 years ago.
I asked Ira, "Do you like feeling that people are hitting you?"
In a surprised tone Ira replied, "No, I don't."
I told him, "Then focus on the present and you won't feel that way."
Teaching someone to overcome a neurotic obsession with the past is much more difficult than just saying, "Focus on the present." It takes months of hard work and it's more than worth it.
Ira was obsessed with the past because he believed that his problems had been caused by his parents and society.
Fortunately there was still some sense of humanity and ethics left in Ira when counseling began, otherwise I would not have been able to help him stop blaming his parents and society for his problems. Once he overcame his victim psychology, his rage was easy to overcome.
Today Ira does not hear his mother in the room scolding him. He does not feel the blows of his father's fists.
His fits of anger are over. His relationship with his wife is healed. His sexual addiction is overcome.
None of this would have been possible had Ira continued to focus on the past and treated himself as a victim.
Whatever your problem, whether it's sexual addiction, alcohol, depression, anxiety, phobia, obsessive-compulsive disorder, anger, etc., you overcome it by focusing on the present and holding yourself responsible for your actions.

---

You don't need medication to overcome sex addiction or any other personal problem.
Let's talk about three different people you're probably familiar with. From them we can learn that:

·         Your mind creates its own natural chemicals.

·         You direct the production of those chemicals.

·         You can create a happy, joyous life, naturally.

Let's start with Mr. X.
When he encounters depression, he goes into a room, shuts the lights, crawls under the covers, and listens to the most gruesome music he can find. He thinks of every terrible thing that ever happened to him and every terrible thing he ever did.
He begins to feel suicidal.
Now for Mr. Y.
Maybe he is depressed because he has money problems. Maybe his daughter is dating a guy he doesn't like. Whatever his problems are, even if it's facing the loss of a loved one, he does not hide from them.
He understands that he might not be able to stop his daughter from dating the guy she likes; he might not get the raise he wants; he might not come up with the money he needs; he might never get over his personal loss.
It might take him hours, days or even months to work through his depression, until it lifts. From it, he learns that even if his worst fears come true, he can face them and still find reward in life.
Finally, we come to Mr. A. He goes through something you've probably experienced. I've gone through it and still do at times.
He starts out creating gloom and doom like Mr. X did.
Then he realizes where it will lead him and he changes his perspective. He looks for answers. He finds solutions. He is willing to accept whatever life throws at him. His depression eventually lifts and life becomes rewarding again.
Mr. X crawled into bed and created a dark, horrible world for himself. His suicidal feelings were not caused by a so-called "chemical imbalance." They were a logical, chemical response to his decisions. Had he made better decisions, he'd have experienced healthier and happier chemical responses.
When Mr. Y and Mr. A decided to find solutions to their problems, the mind logically produced feelings of relief and confidence.
Each of these three men caused their own chemical reactions, just as you cause yours and I cause mine.
The mind creates natural chemicals that are far more powerful, rewarding, and longer lasting than anything the pharmaceutical companies can produce.
Through decades of counseling I have helped people who:

·         Suffered the death of a child

·         Experienced devastating financial setbacks

·         Were struck by life-threatening disease or experienced painful, life-long injuries

·         And countless other tragedies.

We never relied on psychological medication.
At times the pain was awful and the grief seemed unending, but ultimately the client prevailed because s/he made choices to face the problems and go on with his/her life.
The illusionary appeal of psychological medication is that it smothers feelings. You don't overcome sex addiction by medically smothering feelings. Let me give you a real-life example:
Homer called me for help with sex addiction. His wife, Teresa, had discovered his sex addiction about five years earlier. After five years of lies and broken promises, she had reached the end of her rope.
They genuinely loved each other. Neither of them wanted a divorce, but the marriage would end if he did not overcome his sex addiction.
Every attempt I made to get through to Homer failed because he was confused about his feelings. The marriage was sinking fast because Teresa had gone years without any sex between them.
I knew Homer was suffering from sexual performance anxiety. It is not an uncommon problem for a sexually addicted person. But every time I discussed it with him, he insisted that was not his problem.
Then, just by chance, I discovered that Homer had been using a popular medication to combat the symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).
The medication had removed the OCD symptoms, but it had also smothered his other feelings. I asked Teresa if she had noticed changes in him after he began the medication. She said, "I didn't know what to do. The OCD was ruining him and the medication was ruining us."
Homer allowed me to help him break free of the medication. Then I was able to get him in touch with his feelings of sexual performance anxiety and the feelings that drove his OCD.
Then, with the techniques discussed in this book, he stopped the OCD and overcame his sexual addiction.
Teresa and Homer finally enjoyed the loving sex life they had always wanted.
No pill can be as effective at overcoming your problems as you can, naturally.

You Have What It Takes To Stop Sex Addiction

 

·         

You've may have been told or may have felt that you don't have what it takes to overcome your addiction. This article will prove to you that you do. All you need is to be guided on how to use the valuable traits you have.

We're going to use qualities you've already developed to prove it.
Think about:

·         The people you love

·         The activities you enjoy

·         The work you do

·         The possessions you prize.

I'll bet none of them came to you overnight.

·         If you have solid relationships, you worked hard for them.

·         If you have a hobby, you worked hard to achieve your skill level.

·         You couldn't have developed a career without hard work.

·         You saved and worked hard to buy many of your most important possessions.

From these experiences you've learned that the best things in life are not given to you. You earn them through hard work. Overcoming addiction, or any other personal problem, is not given to you either. It's achieved through hard work.
 There are no shortcuts to self-respect, self-esteem, and self-confidence.
Read biographies of outstanding people and you will see one common trait: they persisted. They didn't expect it to be easy; they didn't expect anyone to do it for them; they knew that to achieve an important goal, you work hard and fail many times along the way.
Nature shows us that the stairway to success is built by the failures you learn from.
Notice how an infant learns to walk. The child fails many times, yet nature drives the infant to get up and try again, and again, and again.
As adults, nature does not think for us. We need to think for ourselves. But nature gave us the lead. It showed us that by learning from every fall, by keeping our eyes on the goal, and our minds directed toward achievement, we could succeed.
Everything you accomplished in life required going through the learning curve of setback and persistence.
Every difficulty you will encounter can be worked through successfully
Here's what to expect in the ups and downs of overcoming addiction.
Confusion.
The concepts you'll learn are not easy to grasp. You will make mistakes applying them. You can learn from your mistakes.
Despair.
Feeling hopeless is not uncommon when dealing with addiction. Don't beat yourself up about it. Instead, remember that you do have choices and you can make your life better, even if you are still acting addictively.
Fear.
You feel afraid that you won't make it. That's fine. It's expected.
You're better off admitting your fears and learning from them. I've overcome four addictions. None of them were easy to overcome and I was worried every step of the way. I'm still afraid of the destruction I can bring on myself and my loved ones if I start to believe "I've got it whipped."
I overcame them correctly; so, I don't live in fear of them. What I live in fear of is my own potential stupidity. I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't.
Difficulty is not doom. Difficulty is an opportunity to grow and become a better person.
Emotional exhaustion.
Sex addiction is the most personal addiction. In order to deal with it, you need to face your feelings, work through them, learn from them and then make new choices and take your life in a new, healthy direction. It's exhausting - and worth every second of it.
Don't expect yourself to be a Happy Face about it. You're going to feel drained and tired. That's fine. It's part of overcoming sex addiction.
Learn from every failure. Keep your mind on your goal. Don't expect it to be easy. Remember how hard you worked for everything else in your life. Apply that same effort to overcoming sexual addiction.
Through honesty, persistence and advice that works, your chances of success are excellent.

The Key To Mental Health and Overcoming Sex Addiction

 

How long you've been acting additively doesn't matter. I've helped people in their 70's overcome addiction.

Your occupation won't get in the way. Mark was a truck driver and sexually addicted; Renaldo, considered a genius by the people in his medical practice, was hooked on cocaine; Dorothy, an overeater, was a stay-at-home mom. They all overcame their addictions with the approach in this page.
Wealth, popularity, or a powerful position is not required. Most of my clients are not wealthy and have no connection to the power structure.
Where you were born, your ethnic background, gender, or sexual orientation is not the issue. Gay, straight, Asian, Black, Hispanic - it just doesn't matter.
 When it comes to overcoming addiction, you need to identify the key to mental health.
The key to mental health can be summed up in one word: honesty.
I define honesty as:
the attempt to make accurate identifications and communicate them to others.
In other words, it's:

·         the *intention* to figure out what's going on and

·         *sincerely trying* to tell other people what you are aware of.

Honesty is the heartbeat of mental health because:
Honesty opens the door to change. Dishonesty keeps it locked.
- The mind longs to know and experience itself. Look at your own life and you will see that every time you were honest with yourself - even if you didn't like what you found - you felt relief. That relief was the mind rewarding you for being honest.
- One of the major reasons many people do not succeed in overcoming addiction - or other hindrances in life - is that they don't accurately identify the problem. For instance:
-- A sexually addicted person might fool himself by saying, "I don't have a problem with addictive masturbation and pornography. Everyone does it."
-- An alcoholic might delude himself with, "I take a drink every now and then to relax. What's wrong with that?"
-- A person hooked on prescription medication might claim, "My doctor recommended it. I'm not a drug addict; I'm a patient."
In a romantic relationship, honesty is far more important than:
- Financial net worth
- Looks
- Popularity, or
- Sexual prowess.
But if:
- Your goal is to appear as others expect you to
- You believe the more money you have the better person you are
- You think sex is the essence of a relationship
- You manipulate people
- You try to get power over people
- You will say anything to avoid a conflict
You're in for a life of unhappy romantic relationships because a loving, committed relationship demands honesty.
Sex addiction is a symptom of an unhealthy approach toward relationships.
The first step toward a healthy relationship is honesty.
When you are honest with someone you show him or her you care about them. In effect you say,
"I love you so much I want you to know about me. I want you to see the good in me so that you can enjoy it and share in it. I won't hide my flaws because if I deceive you now, you will be hurt even worse later on by my bad side.
"If I tell you the truth, whatever problems we have, we can probably work out.
"I'd rather have an honest relationship with you built through hard work than one hastily thrown together on lies and illusions that will not stand the test of time."
True love is not built on candlelight dinners, expensive gifts, or winning the sexual Olympics.
Ask any happy couple and they will tell you, "I trust my partner." Talk to any unhappy couple and you will eventually hear one or both people say, "I don't trust my partner."
Honesty is where good relationships begin and bad ones end.
All healthy personal change begins with knowledge.
Honesty is the key to mental health because it enables you to gain knowledge of yourself and it allows the people you value to know you.
To overcome sex addiction, I needed to become a better person first.
At the core of every improvement I made was rigorous honesty with myself and the people I valued.
Look closely at yourself and you'll discover that honesty opens the door to overcoming addiction.