Why Can’t We Hear Correctly? – Marriage Message

The saying goes, “God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason —He wants us to be better prepared to listen than to speak.” That sure goes along with the Bible verse that says, “Take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19).
For some reason, listening seems to be a skill that too many of us (ourselves included) will under-use. We need to get rid of what authors Dallas and Nancy Demmitt call the “How-can-I-get-you-to-shut-up-and-listen-to-me?” mind-set and replace it with a “What-can-I-do-to-create-a-safe-place-where-understanding-can-take-root-and-grow?” attitude.
The Bible says, “The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge; the ears of the wise seek it out” (Proverbs 18:15). Are you being wise and seeking out knowledge about your spouse —not just regurgitating what they say and then voicing what you’d decided to say anyway? Are you truly LISTENING to not only to their words but to their heart and to the meaning BEHIND their words? That’s difficult to do because it takes self-discipline and discernment and selflessness.
Please take note of what author H. Norman Wright writes on the topic of listening, from the book, How to Change Your Spouse without Ruining Your Marriage, because we could LEARN something! This is what Dr Wright says on this subject:

When both husband and wife recognize the importance of listening objectively and giving each other full attention, they’re taking big steps toward building strong lines of communication. It’s important to identify some of the attitudes that prevent a husband or wife from listening. Reading these statements may be uncomfortable, but that may indicate a problem attitude:
“I’m right and you’re wrong.” When this is the attitude, you become preoccupied with proving this to your partner and you embark on a crusade to convince him or her, which usually backfires. You don’t hear your partner.
“You’re at fault.” When blame is the name of the game, you see yourself as innocent and your spouse as guilty. You’re convinced he or she “should” be blamed. You don’t listen to your partner.
“I’m the victim.” If you have a need to feel you’ve been victimized and your partner is insensitive as well as selfish, you won’t hear the explanations or the apologies. Your partner can express it a dozen different ways but you won’t really listen.
“Self-blindness.” There’s no way that you see yourself contributing to a problem. You complain about your partner and fail to see how you both cooperate and participate in the issue. The barriers are up against hearing your spouse’s perspective.
“Domination phobia.” You’re afraid if you listen to your partner you’ll be controlled, having to do it in his or her way. You hit the “listen off” switch when your spouse makes suggestions to you.
“Defensiveness.” You live with the fear of being criticized. You don’t listen to evaluate what is said but reject all statements. Sometimes you expect to be criticized so you hear it when it’s not even there.
“Mistrust.” You don’t trust your partner. You believe your husband or wife is lying before he or she says anything. You feel that if you show any indication that you’re listening; your partner will take advantage of you.
“Self-centeredness.” This can also be called selfishness or narcissism. There is no understanding directed toward the other person’s needs or concerns. Your partner is hardly even thought of except to deny his or her right to feel, behave, or say anything to contradict you.
These attitudes keep growth and change from taking place.
Is there a difference between listening and hearing? Yes, there is. Hearing is gaining content or information for your own purposes. Listening is caring for and being empathic toward the person who is talking. Hearing means that you’re concerned about what’s going on inside yourself during the conversation. Listening means you’re trying to understand the feelings of your spouse and are listening for the sake of the other person. Let me give you a threefold definition of listening. Listening means that when your spouse is talking to you:
You’re not thinking about what you’re going to say when he or she stops talking. You aren’t busy formulating your response. You’re concentrating on what is being said and are putting it into practice. “He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame“ (Proverbs 18:13). It also means you’re looking at the person and listening with your eyes as well as with your ears.
You’re accepting what is being said without judging what he or she is saying or how it’s being said. You may fail to hear the message if you’re thinking that you don’t like your spouse’s tone of voice or words. You may react to the tone and content and miss the meaning. Perhaps your spouse hasn’t said it in the best way, but why not listen and come back later when both of you are calm and discuss the proper wording and tone of voice? Acceptance doesn’t mean you have to agree with the content of what is said. Rather, it means that you understand that what your spouse is saying is something he or she feels is important.
You should be able to repeat what your spouse has said and what you think he or she was feeling while speaking to you. Real listening implies an obvious interest in your spouse’s feelings and opinions and an attempt to understand them from their perspective. It means you let your partner know, “I hear and understand what you’re saying, and I want to respond.”
When you listen to another person, you can actually disarm him or her, especially when you’re being criticized. Arguing with a critic rarely works but agreeing builds a closer relationship. When you listen you don’t defend yourself, but neither do you have to agree with all that is said. If you can find some small element of truth to agree with, your spouse will be less on the offensive and more open to listening to you and considering your request. As a result, your desire for him or her to change may receive consideration.

We’re sorry to say that the book, How to Change Your Spouse is out of print. But the message is vital. Marriage puts us in the position to continually make important choices to partner with each other to build bridges of communication. Keep in mind what the Bible says, “A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions” (Proverbs 18:2). “Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance.” (Proverbs 1:5).
We pray this message ministers to your marriage.