Communication while Raising Kids – Marriage Message

“I can’t get a word in edgewise!”
“Do you even care anymore? You don’t talk to me!”
“I can’t talk over the noise!”
“We need to talk, but when?”

Have you ever said those things or thought them? We sure did —especially during the days we were raising our sons. We used to be good at talking together, but after the children came along it just seemed like there wasn’t the time or opportunity to do so and it became frustrating!
We’re sure there are many of you stuck in this same situation. So, what do you do about it? Maybe you can learn some things from an article we came across in a back issue of Marriage Partnership Magazine. The article was titled, When Kids Come Along—Becoming parents forced us to reinvent our communication, written by Me Ra Koh.
In the article the author talked about how she and her husband struggled to communicate when her daughter Pascaline was a toddler. It seemed that everything centered around their daughter’s activities. They rarely found time to discuss anything and when they did it was either too late in the evening to have a good conversation or they were too tired. Eventually they realized they needed to “reinvent” their ways of communicating with each other. Here’s what they came up with:

A needed change
“What’s really going on with you?” Brian asked. That’s when it finally came out. We needed to change the way we were communicating. Life had been changing; long gone were the days when Pascaline would sit in her bouncer and coo at anything that moved.
…No matter how much we wanted her to be patient and sit quietly while Daddy and Mommy talked about their day, it just wasn’t happening. I knew I could either berate myself for mistakes we must be making in our parenting, or I could remind myself that these were the toddler years. These are the years of intense struggle for independence, while at the same time she still needs her diapers changed, face washed, and clothes put on.
Brian and I could see how Pascaline wanted to be part of our dinnertime conversations, even if she could contribute only 4 words. But we fought it. While we felt our freedom to talk threatened when Pascaline moved from the bouncer to her high chair, we still managed to hold somewhat decent conversations. Now we were facing another crossroads; she was growing and changing and needed us to do the same.
The next night we asked my parents to baby sit. Over a restaurant meal, Brian expressed his insecurities over whether I even cared about what he had to share. Then I realized I wasn’t the only one who felt as if we were drifting apart. I shared my desire for him to ask me about my day a second time —when I had a chance to sit and relax. The words second time gave us an idea.
Asking a second time
We decided to ask each other, “How was your day?” twice. The first time is when Brian arrives home from work. We give each other a short answer, which serves as a clue to what we need to discuss after Pascaline is in bed. If I say my day was long and tiring, Brian knows to ask why later. And I listen for the same clues from him.
At 9:30, we stop working on our checklists and meet on the couch for an hour-long date. Over coffee or tea, we ask each other a second time, “How was your day?” This time we give the full, unedited answer. We each get 30 minutes to talk, and the other person listens without interrupting.
That was more than three years ago, and while we don’t get this connection every night, when we do connect it’s been working well. I know if I’m not able to connect with Brian when he first gets home, I can wait until our 9:30 date on the couch. It gives us more freedom to be present with Pascaline before her bedtime. It also gives us each time to do our own thing before we meet on the couch. While I love my 30 minutes of uninterrupted talking the most, I think the best part for Brian is that when we get in bed and turn off the light, my mouth doesn’t turn on.
Five Steps to Reinvent Your Communication:

Find a time. Pick a time in the evening when you and your spouse can sit down after the kids have gone to sleep or when they’re busy doing homework or watching television.

Create a relaxing atmosphere. Brew coffee or make tea. Start a fire or play some quiet instrumental music to create the right atmosphere for you both to share your day.

Be consistent. When you sit down, ask each other the same question. It can be, “How was your day?” or “What was the best part of your day?” A little structure helps keep things on track.

Set a time limit. Decide how much time you want to set aside to catch up with each other. Make sure you don’t go over. While in some ways it can be great to keep talking, you want to make sure you’ve both had equal time to share. A cooking timer works well. This is especially important if one spouse —or both —is a talker.

Try again. Be prepared for the first attempts to be rocky. Our first time went smoothly. The second night we argued and I marched to bed in tears. The third time started to feel familiar. Your talk time doesn’t have to happen every night, but aim for at least 3 times during the week to stay connected.

If you want to learn more, we only gave you part of what the article said. To read it in its entirety please go to the Todayschristianwoman.com web site (which now houses the article), by clicking onto the link, When Kids Came Along. At the same time you can check out what else they have to offer on their web site that can help your marri