Four things God wants you to remember when life is hard.

We’ve all had days (and maybe even years) when life just doesn’t seem to be going our way!
I’ve had long seasons of life where I felt like nothing was working and everything was out of whack, and I’ve had frustrating days where I just can’t seem to get anything accomplished. This morning was one of those times…
I was getting all three of our boys ready for school which is a massive undertaking and makes me respect my wife even more because she is normally the one doing it! Amidst the screaming infant and complaining gradeschoolers, there was a mess in the kitchen, a dirty diaper on the floor, toothpaste on the sink and stress in the air. When we FINALLY got out the door, Connor had forgotten something and had to run back in. The door was open just long enough for (I’m not making this up) a bird to fly in the house.
Now, I’ve got to figure out a way to get the bird out of the house and all the kids loaded up as fast as I can. I eventually got the bird out (unharmed) and the kids loaded and just before I pulled out onto the main road, a garbage truck cut me off and started driving about five miles per hour and stopping at every other house. I wasn’t sure whether to scream or laugh at the irony of it.
In the grand scheme of things, a stressful morning doesn’t impact life or eternity all that much, but in those longer seasons of joblessness, sickness, financial stress, marriage strain and other ongoing life events, the stress and frustration can seem overwhelming. Below are four things I’ve learned to remember in those challenging seasons of life that have helped me and I pray they help you as well!
Struggles in life are inevitable, but destruction is optional. Remembering these four principles can make all the difference.
 
1. Remember that your Character should always be stronger than your Circumstances.
We can’t always control what happens to us, but we can always control how we choose to respond. In those moments when I choose to stop complaining and instead give thanks to God for the good in my life, the parts that seem bad start to seem much less significant. Choose to keep a positive attitude and thankful heart regardless of what you’re going through.
“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
2. Remember that your Struggles always lead to Strength.
Every difficulty in your life, whether big or small, is something God will use to produce more strength, faith and perseverance in you if you let Him! All your pain has a purpose.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
3. Remember that God’s timing is always perfect.
God’s plans are almost always different from our plans, but His plans are always perfect! Have the patience to wait on His timing instead of forcing your own.
“For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord; plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
4. Remember that God will never leave your side.
You may feel like you’re going through this struggle all alone, but from the moment you ask Jesus to bring you into God’s family, He will be by your side to the end so never lose hope!
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

God is preparing you for great things

God puts dreams in our hearts and writes a destiny over our lives. And if we trust Him enough to take Him at His word, we will find ourselves on a journey toward the fulfillment of that dream.
Unfortunately, the path that takes us to the promise is always wrought with thickets and thorns. Nothing worth having ever comes easy or without opposition. Storms will come, lions will roar, and our fears will be confronted. God allows the path to be difficult because He intends on refining us and preparing us for our place of promise. He is intent on extracting from us, that which our enemy would love to leverage against us.
God loves us too much to promote us before we are ready.
And so, as we follow His lead, we will at different times, find ourselves in a valley – a valley of decision. Marriages die there. Dreams die there too. The flesh dies hard and unfortunately for many, they’ve opted to let their dream die before they’d ever allow their flesh to be confronted.
We all have weak spots and areas of inconsistency in our character. Until we see Jesus face to face, we will need His guidance and correction. He wants to take us from strength to strength; from glory to glory.
Ephesians 3:20 tells us that He wants to do abundantly above and beyond ALL that we could ever ask or think, but there’s a clincher in this verse…it’s according to His work within us. To the extent that He’s allowed to work in us, will be the extent that He does great things through us.
After pondering this idea a little more, I envisioned a valley of dry bones. Bones from marriages, relationships, and dreams abandoned because many people refused to die to themselves, to humble themselves, and to let God have His way in their lives.
Don’t let your dream die in the valley!
If you’re in a season of refining, lean in. Trust the loving hand of your precious Savior and know that He will lead you to the other side. Refuse a sense of entitlement and don’t demand to be understood.
Instead, humble yourself and seek to understand what the Lord is doing around you.
He will faithfully lead you and you will be strengthened as you go.
On the other side of this refining time is a fresh perspective and new mercies.
Humble yourself under the mighty hand of God; in due time you will be lifted up and honored before a watching world.
Here’s my question for you: Do you have a sense of how God is using your current circumstances to prepare you for a great calling?

Working on Issues – Marriage

“Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it“ (Psalm 127:1).

The homes we are building —within our lives and our marriages, are not all about us —they are actually more about God’s Kingdom work being done here on earth. Yes, God wants to lavish His love and gifts upon us, but He also looks beyond our individual comforts and weaves them into His Kingdom work —for the greater good of all.

As you read John chapter 1 in the Bible, you will see that through Him and in Him and for Him, all things were created. God delights in us, but everything is not ALL about us. We are part of a body, created to be in communion with each other and with God. Those of us who try to live in denial of that truth contribute to the problems in this world… and in our marriages in particular.
In last week’s Marriage Message, we talked about marriage not being all about OUR satisfaction —that God has a higher purpose on many different levels that we as human beings cannot even comprehend. But there’s something that author Julianne Slattery wrote, that we’d like to expand upon a bit in this message. She wrote:
“If a marriage is ultimately about getting our own needs met, then marriage is over when intimacy fails. However, marriage can also be viewed as something beyond our needs. It’s often the ultimate test of our values and character. Like no other relationship, marriage can highlight our fears and selfishness. It’s essentially a ministry. The way we respond in marriage reflects our core beliefs and our very reason for living.
“Being a faithful and loving spouse ultimately relies upon our choice to be faithful to God. Especially when a husband or wife is unlovable, continuing in the marriage is only possible when our life means more than finding pleasure, fulfillment, and happiness.”
She goes on to say,
“If being married isn’t about getting needs for intimacy and companionship met, then what’s the purpose? Although God’s design is for a husband and a wife to become one, the reality of marriage falls short. Marriage is a mystery that’s meant to awaken and illuminate our hunger for Christ.”
What it comes down to is: your spouse is not to be your God. We have an article on our web site in the “For Married Women” section which is titled “Your Husband is Not Your God.” The same principle is true in reverse concerning wives. God did not create your spouse to be a substitute for Himself, but instead to be His colleague in demonstrating love to us.
Sadly we put too many expectations upon our spouse to do the job alone. And frankly, because our spouse is human, he/she will often fail in doing their part. And so do we in different ways as well (we just look at our “failures” with different eyes —excusing our failings). When this happens, it’s all the more important to look to Christ to help us, as we hunger for love and righteousness.
Another way God mysteriously uses marriage “to awaken and illuminate our hunger for Christ” is the way in which our spouse seems to be able to bring our flaws out into the open. I never realized how selfish, petty, short-tempered, how lazy at times I could be, along with being prideful and vengeful until I married Steve and he pushed just the right emotional buttons within me and out popped those characteristics.
Yes, I blamed him for doing the pushing, but in reality, they were character flaws that were buried deep until the “perfect storm” of marriage brought them out into the open. I now realize God knew that and allowed Steve to reveal them.
I also know that whenever they (or any other flaws or sins) come out, I have two choices.

1. I can blame my husband for doing whatever he did to get me to that point (which is often just him being himself and me reacting in an exaggerated and/or sinful way).
2. I can realize that God and I have more work to do together to root out that which I shouldn’t be holding onto and so that I can “participate” in God’s “divine nature.” And the same goes for you.

“For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.
“But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins. Therefore, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall, and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom and our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ“ (2 Peter 1:5-11).
With this in mind, we challenge you (as we challenge ourselves) to look at that which you can “add to” and that which you are personally responsible for, which is causing problems in your marriage. You can’t control what your husband or wife does, but you CAN control YOUR actions. Whatever problems you are contributing to in your relationship, make it your mission to work on those issues in partnership with God.
Don’t allow pride, feelings of inadequacy, or whatever you may have going on in your mind that is deceiving you into thinking that you cannot or should not work on your own “stuff”. Resources and tools are available to help you as the Wonderful Counselor, your Holy Spirit, will reveal (and we have many of these tools on our web site). As followers in Christ, keep persevering.
“Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything” (James 1:4).
When you are facing trials in your relationship and in life, ask the Lord what you can learn through it all. Participate with Him in redeeming that which is problematic —don’t add to the problem, learn and apply all you can to persevere and grow despite the painful way it is presented.
In light of this, Steve and I would like to pass a prayer that was sent to us, on to you:
We pray you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.
We pray you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
We pray you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
We pray you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
We pray you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
We pray you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
We pray you enough hellos to get you through the good-byes you experience.
We are asking God to: “Fill you with the knowledge of His will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please Him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God“ (Colossians 1:9b-10).
“May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!“ (Romans 15:5-6)
“May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5)

Love Out on a Limb – Marriage

The following is a poem we wrote several years ago that took a lot of team work and stretching us outside of our “comfort zones” —but isn’t that what marriage does to us all the time? We learned a lot in writing it and pray you will learn something in reading it as well:

Two lovebirds, out on a limb,
One is a “her” —the other a “him.”
After they married, they built their own nest,
And that’s when their lives began a new quest.

In the beginning their love conquered all.
Then after a while she started to bawl,
“Why don’t you love me as much as before?
All of a sudden you’ve become a big bore.

“You go off to work —then come home to eat,
you pick up the remote, and put up your feet,
And the rest of the evening all that I see,
is you flipping the channels on that stupid TV.

“What’s happened to your promise —to love and adore?
I feel so neglected, why do you ignore
the children and me, and all of our needs?
And look at the lawn —it’s turning to weeds!”

He looked up for a moment and said, “Don’t YOU start;
I’m working long hours. I’m doing MY part.
I’m tired of the nagging; I need time to chill,
I feel like all day I’ve been running up hill.
You crab and you nag, and you criticize me.
I just need some peace… how blind can you be?”

You pick me apart and then you’re amazed
why I close my ears and instead look dazed.
I feel so belittled and worthless and small
But when I am elsewhere, others make me feel tall.”

And now these two Lovebirds are really out on a limb.
One is a “her” and the other a “him.”
Their love’s been reduced to accusations and fights,
seeking their own ways, and defending THEIR “rights.”
Where’ s their promise to love, honor, and cherish?
Without God’s help this marriage could perish.

You see, marriage is a covenant… a promise to keep;
When God is your center, the benefits you’ll reap.
A cord of 3 strands is not quickly broken;
put into practice the words God has spoken.
We’re to live as He said, “Be imitators of Me”
just as Christ lived His life sacrificially.

Submit to each other “as unto the Lord,”
giving each one preference —and live in one accord.
For love is patient, unselfish, and kind.
It doesn’t hold grudges —or shame and remind
each spouse of faults they’re trying to erase.
There are times we all need unmerited grace.

We’re to love as God loves —our vows we’re to keep,
showing others who need Him that His love is deep.
He doesn’t give up, and neither should we.
If we love like He does, it is Christ they will see.

As the love birds we spoke of, opened their eyes,
They knew what to do… and to their surprise
God helped them to love beyond human reason
and take their marriage to a brand new season,
of helping and caring and showing their love
just as Jesus Christ gives love, over and above.

So now those Lovebirds are no longer on a limb.
The one being a “her” — the other a “him.”
Their home honors Christ. They’re now partners, who love,
each other and Christ, and their Father above.

There’s a moral to what God inspired us to write that reaches beyond the surface. It distinguishes the difference between love as the “world gives” versus the love of Christ which is forever —despite that which assaults it. God’s love is what we’re to give each other when we marry.
Love as the world gives can be more spontaneous and many think it should come “more natural.” That makes human sense. It says: “I will love you as long as…” or “I will love you until I decide our love is no longer viable.” Then after that time it’s “to each, their own.”
But that isn’t Godly love. Godly love is “patient“ … it is “kind. It does not envy. It does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love [true, Biblical love] does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
There’s nothing easy in giving this type of love. It’s takes pure determination and perseverance to love, unlike how the world loves. But it is Godly, and it is Christ-like.
When we love like God loves, there WILL be pain involved, and suffering… just as Christ suffered —because of love. But for the greater good of our marriages, families, communities, and more importantly… Kingdom work, we must PUT ON LOVE to get off of the worldly limb.

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity“ (Colossians 3:12-14).

We pray your love for each other will be given perfect unity through of the love of Christ.

Why Should I Change? – Marriage

"Why should I be the one to change when it’s my spouse who’s causing the problems in our marriage?” That’s the issue we’d like to discuss this week. The edited points we’re going to share come from the book Divorce Busting by Michelle Weiner-Davis. It’s not a Christian book, but we believe the principles are helpful and biblically sound. See if you agree as you read what she has written on this subject. Michelle writes:

“Have you and your spouse been so angry at each other that you’ve gone your separate ways and stopped interacting with each other? Have you convinced yourself that, until s/he initiates making up, there will be no peace in your house?
“If so, I have few things I want to tell you. You’re wasting precious energy holding on to your anger. It’s exhausting to feel resentment day in and day out. It’s bad for your health and hard on your spirit. And it’s awful for your relationship.
“Anger imprisons you. It casts a gray cloud over your days. It prevents you from feeling real joy in any part of your life. Each day you drown yourself in resentment is another day lost out of your life. What a waste!
“I’ve worked with so many people who live in quiet desperation because they’re utterly convinced that their way of seeing things is right and their partner’s wrong. They spend a lifetime trying to get their partners to share their views. I hear, ‘I’ll change if s/he changes,’ a philosophy that ultimately leads to a stalemate.
“There are many variations of this position. For example, ‘I’d be nicer to her, if she were nicer to me,” or ‘I’d be more considerate and tell her about my plans if she wouldn’t hound me all the time about what I do.’ You get the picture! ‘I’ll be different if you start being different first.’ Trust me when I tell you that this can be a very, very long wait.
“I’ve been working with couples for years and I’ve learned a lot about how change occurs in relationships. It’s like a chain reaction. If one person changes, the other one does too. It’s simply a matter of tipping over the first domino. Change is reciprocal. Let me give you an example.
“I worked with a woman who was distressed about her husband’s long hours at work. She felt they spent little time together as a couple and that he was of little help at home. This infuriated her. Every evening when he returned for work, her anger got the best of her and she criticized him for bailing out on her. Inevitably, the evening would be ruined. The last thing he wanted to do after a long day at work was to deal with problems the moment he walked in the door.
“Although she understood this, she was so hurt and angry about his long absence that she felt her anger was justified. She wanted a suggestion from me about how to get her husband to be more attentive and loving. She was at her wit’s end.
“I told her I could completely understand why she was frustrated and that, if I were in her shoes, I would feel exactly the same way. However, I wondered if she could imagine how her husband might feel about her nightly barrage of complaints. ‘He probably wishes he didn’t have to come home,’ she said. ‘Precisely,’ I thought to myself. I suggested she try an experiment.
“‘Tonight when he comes home, surprise him with an affectionate greeting. Don’t complain; just tell him you’re happy to see him. Do something thoughtful that you haven’t done in a long time, even if you don’t feel like it.'” “‘You mean like fixing him his favorite meal or giving him a warm hug? I used to do that a lot.’ ‘That’s exactly what I mean,’ I told her. She agreed to give it a try.
“Two weeks later she returned to my office and told me about the results of her ‘experiment.’ ‘That first night I met him at the door and without a word, gave him a huge hug. He looked astounded, but curious. I made his favorite pasta dish, which was heavy on the garlic so he smelled the aroma when he walked in. Immediately, he commented on it and looked pleased.
“‘We had a great evening together. It was the first in months. I was so pleased by his positive reaction that I felt motivated to keep being ‘the new me.’ Since then things between us have been so much better, it’s amazing. He’s come home earlier and he’s even calling me from work just to say hello. I can’t believe the change in him.’
“The moral of this story’s obvious. It’s a law of relationships. If you aren’t getting what you need from your loved one, instead of trying to convince him or her to change, why not change your approach to the situation? If what you’re doing (talking to your partner about the error of his/her ways) hasn’t been working, no matter how sterling your logic, you’re not going to get very far. Be more flexible and creative. Spend more time trying to figure out what might work as opposed to being bent on driving your point home. You might be pleasantly surprised.
“Remember, insanity has been defined as doing the same old thing over and over expecting different results.”

Another point Michelle makes on this subject:

“I generally assume that one spouse is more motivated than the other to work on the marriage —read self-help books, take marriage education classes, and so on— and believe that it’s truly possible for one person to trigger positive relationship change single-handedly. My experience has taught me that I don’t need both spouses in order to help couples improve their marriages.
“I just need one motivated spouse. Relationships are such that if one person changes, the relationship changes. So I show people how to approach their partners in more productive ways. Often this triggers a solution avalanche. However, when both spouses are willing to read the books or attend a marriage education class, it will mean that you’ll have a shared perspective and similar ideas about what real change in marriage requires. But the operative word here is willing.
“If your spouse has pulled away and lets you know, ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you,’ or if you’re already doing the ‘Last Resort Technique’, your asking him/her to read a book will probably be viewed as chasing. Chasing a reluctant spouse can be like opening the door to let him or her out of the marriage. If your spouse has told you to back off, don’t ask him or her to read a book.
“If on the other hand, things aren’t quite as rocky, you can consider asking your spouse to read it. Don’t insist —just ask. Some people have made more progress by leaving the book around the house in a conspicuous place rather than asking directly. You might just pique your spouse’s curiosity. But you shouldn’t make reading the book an issue. That could be detrimental.
“And one more thing —don’t assume that if you’re the only one reading the book that it’s a less-than-desirable situation or that your chances of reconciliation are worse. They aren’t. Ultimately, you have to be the catalyst for change whether your spouse reads the book or not. You have to change you. So get started. Read all you can and put to use what you learn.”

(You can read more articles by Michele Weiner-Davis by visiting her web site at Divorcebusting.com.)
Too often we try our method of communicating, and eventually give up thinking it’s hopeless. But with God, nothing is hopeless… nothing is impossible. (See: Luke 1:37 and Luke 18:27.) As someone once said, “God is able to create and re-create —and when we think everything is dead —that’s when He can do something exciting!”
We’re told in the Bible: “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up“ (Galatians 6:9).
We pray you will not “become weary in doing good.”
“May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5)

Depression in Marriage – Marriage

One of the “silent” killers of marital int-macy is depression. It’s so deadly that we will address it through an article from Dr. Todd Linaman. Dr. Linaman is a licensed psychologist, a certified marriage and family therapist (a friend of ours) and President of Relational Advantage, Inc. found at drlinaman.com. After reading what Dr. Linaman has to say, we’ll close with a few comments at the end.

Depression: The Silent Killer of Marital Intimacy
– by Dr. Todd Linaman

Everyone longs for —and needs —intimacy. Intimacy in marriage exists when a husband and wife allow each other to experience everything they have to offer physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually without fear of criticism, judgment or rejection. Without intimacy a marriage cannot thrive and will struggle to even to survive.
Some of the more common threats to marital int-macy include parenting, financial stress, unresolved anger, and unforgiveness. But the “silent killer” that often goes unaddressed is depression. Over 17-million Americans [alone] suffer from depression each year. While both men and women are susceptible, women are twice as likely to suffer from symptoms as men are. One of every four women will experience at least one depressive episode in their lifetime.
Studies reveal that depression can be both the cause and result of marital problems and dissatisfaction. It can also cause people in otherwise happy marriages to perceive themselves and their relationship in negative ways. For example, if a husband comes home late from work, a depressed woman may perceive his lateness as a sign that he no longer cares for her when, in reality, it is a simple matter of his boss detaining him to finish a project.
As a result of her assumptions, she may avoid him when he arrives home. This may cause him to feel isolated or rejected, and he may react by finding excuses not to spend time at home. Unless the silence is broken, the cycle of negative perceptions and rejection will destroy intimacy in the relationship.
It’s normal to experience feelings of disappointment and discouragement for brief periods of time. However, many people experience these symptoms as well as other, for longer periods of time without recognizing it for what it really is — depression.

Symptoms and Causes of Depression: Symptoms can range from mild to severe, lasting from a few hours to a few years. Mild symptoms include fatigue, irritability, sadness, decreased motivation and pessimism. More serious symptoms include feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, low self-esteem, negative thinking patterns, recurrent thoughts of death or suicide.
Depression can be caused by difficult and traumatic life circumstances such as death of a loved one, a divorce, the loss of a job or unresolved marital problems. It can be the result of prolonged periods of stress, personality traits, heredity factors, biochemical changes and sleep deprivation. Regardless of what may trigger depression, it is ultimately the result of changes that occur in the brain’s chemistry. A deficiency of certain nerotransmitters, such as serotonin and norepinephrine, is what causes a person to experience the symptoms of depression.
Although women are more likely to experience depression in general, some women are more vulnerable than others. A recent study revealed that women with exposure to childhood adversity such as family violence, parental alcoholism, death of a parent, or parental discord or divorce are more likely to become depressed following stress than women without such adversity.
And women who experience what are referred to as humiliating life events, like infidelity on the part of their husband, threats of marital separation or divorce, or physical violence are six times more likely to experience a major depressive episode.
Other Facts: Today’s women suffer from depression 10 times more often than their grandmothers did. Younger women are at a greater risk for depression than ever before. Nearly one out of three women 18-24 will experience depression. Women with other siblings or parents who have suffered from depression have a 20-25 per cent greater chance of becoming depressed themselves.
Keys to Overcoming Depression and Keeping Your Marriage Strong: As is true of any illness, prevention is the best medicine. Here are some strategies for preventing and/or defeating depression while keeping your marriage strong.

• Maintain a healthy lifestyle. A balanced diet and adequate rest will help stabilize brain chemistry. Regular exercise releases endorphins, which are natural mood elevators.

• Learning to say, “no” to activities and responsibilities that have the potential of creating overload is the first step to creating balance in your life.

• Seek professional help as early as possible. Begin by talking to your family physician or a Christian counselor about possible treatment options.

• Confide in your spouse or a close friend. It’s important that someone know exactly how you’re feeling.

• Educate yourself and your spouse about depression. Having an awareness of the signs and symptoms, understanding its potential impact in your life and knowing what treatment options are available to you can greatly help to minimize negative consequences.

• Address problems in your marriage or personal life as they arise. Avoiding or ignoring problems will not make them go away or easier to cope with.

• Take one hour “vacations” at least three times a week. Give yourself permission to spend at least three separate hours per week doing something that you really enjoy.

• Take your focus off yourself. When you begin to feel discouraged or sad it’s easy to dwell on the circumstances we believe are responsible for our negative feelings. Place your focus on someone [or something] who would benefit from your time and attention.

• Pray consistently and study God’s word regularly. The ultimate key to guarding your marriage and your emotions is to strengthen your relationship with the Lord.

Maintaining companionship, affection and harmony in your relationship will not only provide you with personal fulfillment and satisfaction, but it will also strengthen, guard and preserve your marriage.
By understanding the potential impact of depression and knowing how to effectively address its symptoms, you will be better protected to combat the “silent killer” of marital intimacy.

We pray this information from Dr. Linaman is helpful. Both Cindy and I (Steve) have suffered from depression so we know first-hand how it can strain a marriage. Fortunately, we sought help and treatment. It made a huge difference in our marriage partnership and intimacy as we stood in support of each other.
It’s important to know that there is no shame in being depressed —Even King David fought depression and he was still called “a man after God’s own heart.” To help you fight this battle, we have many articles posted in the “Mental and Physical Health” section on our web site.
Cindy and I also know that the road may seem long to getting better, it IS possible! If your spouse is the one depressed you need to walk alongside him or her as much as they will allow because it is important for them to know they are not abandoned or alone in their struggle. As their marriage partner, you are God’s colleague in loving them.
And as we love “as Christ first loved us”, there is hope and healing in any struggle we may encounter in our marriages.
That’s the prayer of our hearts for your marriages

Reflections on Marriage

In March 2009, Cindy and I (Steve) celebrated 37 years of marriage. Wow! That’s 13,514 days; 324336 hours and 19,460,160 minutes (just in case you wanted to know) of sharing my life with the same woman. Truthfully, not all of that time could be classified as wedded bliss. And I admit that was mostly my fault.
Let me give you a perspective as I look back on our marriage relationship. Now, I’ve always believed what Dr Kevin Leman told me: I “married up” when I married Cindy. Sadly, and not to my credit, I haven’t always acted like I’ve believed that. For too many years I took Cindy for granted; made unfair assumptions and had unreal expectations about what I thought my wife should be like. To make matters worse, there was no way Cindy could ever live up to most of my expectations because my marriage communication skills were lacking.
I can’t tell you how blessed I am that Cindy never gave up on me or our marriage, nor did God give up trying to get through to me. What made the difference? (1) A wife who faithfully prayed even when I was distant and (2) a revelation from God that I was cheating my wife and me by not looking at my role of being a husband through God’s eyes. Hopefully this is an encouragement to wives out there that husbands CAN change!
It’s not easy to undo multiplied years of being a passive observer type of husband and move into the Biblical model of being willing to “give up my life” for my wife (Ephesians 5). The hardest part of fulfilling that mandate meant I had to be willing to set aside my self-centered will and wants —in other words, stop focusing on ME and put Cindy’s needs and desires ahead of mine.
I’ve learned that it’s important in marriage to keep investing acts of love in ways that my wife best understands. Dr Gary Chapman calls them “Love Languages” and everyone has them —certain loving acts that most speak love to each individual’s heart and personality. Cindy’s Love Language is Acts of Service —DOING things for her (others for your spouse could be Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, or Physical Touch). Preview or purchase Dr Chapman’s book now.
I also had to actually learn to talk and communicate, because after the wedding, it becomes easy to slack off and take our spouse for granted and stop doing that which causes us to fall in love in the first place — like talk respectfully TO each other rather than AT each other. I had to learn to listen as well, (especially without being defensive)… and I mean truly listen with God’s ears or I’d never really know my partner’s heart and be able to “cleave” to her in unity.
In short, these years of marriage have been a real education and growing experience for me. But the payoff is that I’m now married to my best friend. I don’t consider the fact that we’ve been married 37 years as a milestone, per se, but rather that after all these years of marriage, I find myself more in love with Cindy everyday and I have a deep desire to work to improve on what we already have.
Cindy: I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not what you’ve lived through that’s as important as what you’ve “learned through.” And these past 37 years of marriage have been times of “learning through” more than we could ever have imagined possible! Neither of us had a clue to all that we would be saying “I do” to when we walked down the aisle. We’ve weathered some tremendous relationship storms —ones that even pushed us to consider divorce several times!
But I’m so glad we decided to take the word “divorce” out of our thoughts and our vocabulary years ago. It’s one of the smartest things we ever did. As long as we entertained that option, we could never really be serious about weathering through what we needed to, in order to get to this stage of marriage. We almost missed the best part and almost missed growing old together!
A review for the book, The Five Love Needs of Men and Women by Dr Gary and Barb Rosberg, talked about this. They wrote:

“Young marrieds need to capture a vision of what it means to grow older with someone. Romance is only the beginning of a relationship. It moves from romance into companionship, where you ‘gut out’ the development of your relationship. Many couples think that something mystical is just supposed to happen. And then 10 years later they may be virtual strangers because they haven’t done anything to maintain or develop intimacy.”

We have sure been there and have done that in our marriage! Our immature attitudes almost sabotaged whatever love we had when the stage of having to “gut it out” hit us. But God eventually got through to us to recognize that marriage is for grown ups. Marriage is not for those who want to cling to their “rights” as individuals. Why marry if you want to act single? There is a lot to gain if you willingly work together to make your marriage the best it can be — a partnership.
To conclude our reflections this week we’d like to share a portion of a letter that author, Philip Yancey, wrote to his wife on their 25th wedding anniversary because it seems so appropriate and we hope it can possibly inspire others to “not grow weary in doing good” as the Bible talks about. The letter appeared in Christianity Today in 1996:

“Before marriage, each of us, by instinct, strives to be what the other wants. The young woman desires to look [as nice as possible], and takes up interest in sports. The young man notices plants and flowers, and works at asking questions instead of just answering mono-syllabically. After marriage the process slows and somewhat reverses. Each insists on his or her rights. Each resists bending to the others will.
“After years, though, the process may subtly (and with intentionality, will definitely) begin to reverse again. I sense a new willingness to bend back toward what the other wants —maturely, this time, not out of a desire to ‘catch’ a mate, but out of a desire to please a mate who has shared a quarter-century of life. I grieve for couples who give up before reaching this stage.
“Time has crept up on us. as it always does, yet this middle age isn’t so bad. We have less to prove to the world and each other. We’ve surveyed what we want in life, and part of the conclusion we’ve reached is this: we want each other. The view from the mountaintop looks good —very good.”

Well, those are the reflections as we look back on our 37 years of marriage. Our prayer this week is that we’ll all take the time to “reflect” on where we have been in our marriages, to ask God to show us what we need to do to have a marriage the way He wants it to be, and then rejoice in what God has done to bring us together as husband and wife to share this time together. May our marriages reveal and reflect the heart of Christ!