Seek More to Understand – Marriage Message

“Lord, grant that I may seek more to understand than to be understood.” (St Francis of Assisi)

How many of us can truthfully say that when we are in conflict with our spouse, we “seek more to understand” them “than to be understood?”
I have to admit that my wanting to understand my husband’s viewpoint when we’re in conflict —particularly when I’m upset with him, is too often overshadowed by my wanting him to understand my view point instead of the other way around. How I wish it weren’t true, but it is. But with God’s help, I’m changing. I know it’s important to do so.
It’s important to embrace the truth in the Bible where God says:

• “A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions“ (Proverbs 18:2).
• “Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance“ (Proverbs 1:5).
• “He who answers before listening —that is his folly and his shame” (Proverbs 18:13).
• “The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge; the ears of the wise seek it out“ (Proverbs 18:15).
• “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires“ (James 1:19-20).

But when I’m upset with my husband I have a tendency to lean more towards wanting to be understood, rather than to understand. And I know this can be a problem when I allow myself to give into this temptation. Do you find yourself caught up in this same situation at times?
As author, Josh McDowell, says about the prayer of Francis of Assisi, “Can you imagine what would happen in our relationships if we all held this attitude? [“Lord, grant that I may seek more to understand, than to be understood.”]
Most conflicts would quickly dissolve, because most are the result of each person holding to a different assumption.” He goes on to say, “If you want to handle your conflicts in a biblical way you must remember this question: What does God want to teach me in this conflict? Whatever it is, I can learn from it.”
So, for those of us who struggle to “understand” what God can teach us through conflict, read the following, which is found in the book, The Secret of Loving by Josh McDowell. He refers to it as a “Winning Formula.” Here is what he writes:

“Let me show you a fabulous four-point outline for resolving conflict found in the first five verses of chapter 7 of Matthew:
“Verses 1 and 2 say, ‘Do not judge lest you be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard or measure, it will be measured to you.‘ This tells us to BE HUMBLE.
“Verse 3 follows, ‘And why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?‘ Here we are clearly told to BE HONEST. I don’t think I have ever been involved in a conflict where there wasn’t a log in my own eye. [How about you?]
“Then, in verse 4 we read, ‘Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye?‘ The lesson here is INTEGRITY.
“And finally, in verse 5 we are commanded to deal with conflict IN LOVE: ‘You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.‘
“Jesus calls us to be humble, to be honest, to exercise integrity, and to demonstrate love.
“Here’s the danger. You can get wrapped up so easily in seeking revenge and in wanting to get even in a conflict that you miss what God wants you to learn in the situation. The focus should be on finding out what GOD is saying to YOU.
“This requires a willingness to admit that you are not perfect. Your prayer and mine ought to be, ‘Lord, give me the strength to admit my shortcomings.’ Admitting is not a sign of weakness. Rather it takes courage to admit that you are wrong. As you acknowledge a weakness in your own life, you immediately become more able to accept a weakness in someone else’s life.
“A willingness to be corrected is another requirement if you are to learn God’s lesson for you. We can easily be more blind to our own faults than someone else’s.
“A proper attitude and willingness to change are also vital. In every situation you should have the desire to come out a better person, a better servant, and a better friend. WITH THESE ATTITUDES YOU WILL SET THE HOLY SPIRIT FREE TO DO HIS WORK.”

And to that we say, “AMEN!” We’re told in the Bible:

“And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you“ (Ephesians 4:30-32).
“Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (Ephesians 5:1-2).

We pray that all of us will learn what God is trying to teach us and that we will “set the Holy Spirit free” in our lives to “do His work” in and through us!

Why Can’t We Hear Correctly? – Marriage Message

The saying goes, “God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason —He wants us to be better prepared to listen than to speak.” That sure goes along with the Bible verse that says, “Take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19).
For some reason, listening seems to be a skill that too many of us (ourselves included) will under-use. We need to get rid of what authors Dallas and Nancy Demmitt call the “How-can-I-get-you-to-shut-up-and-listen-to-me?” mind-set and replace it with a “What-can-I-do-to-create-a-safe-place-where-understanding-can-take-root-and-grow?” attitude.
The Bible says, “The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge; the ears of the wise seek it out” (Proverbs 18:15). Are you being wise and seeking out knowledge about your spouse —not just regurgitating what they say and then voicing what you’d decided to say anyway? Are you truly LISTENING to not only to their words but to their heart and to the meaning BEHIND their words? That’s difficult to do because it takes self-discipline and discernment and selflessness.
Please take note of what author H. Norman Wright writes on the topic of listening, from the book, How to Change Your Spouse without Ruining Your Marriage, because we could LEARN something! This is what Dr Wright says on this subject:

When both husband and wife recognize the importance of listening objectively and giving each other full attention, they’re taking big steps toward building strong lines of communication. It’s important to identify some of the attitudes that prevent a husband or wife from listening. Reading these statements may be uncomfortable, but that may indicate a problem attitude:
“I’m right and you’re wrong.” When this is the attitude, you become preoccupied with proving this to your partner and you embark on a crusade to convince him or her, which usually backfires. You don’t hear your partner.
“You’re at fault.” When blame is the name of the game, you see yourself as innocent and your spouse as guilty. You’re convinced he or she “should” be blamed. You don’t listen to your partner.
“I’m the victim.” If you have a need to feel you’ve been victimized and your partner is insensitive as well as selfish, you won’t hear the explanations or the apologies. Your partner can express it a dozen different ways but you won’t really listen.
“Self-blindness.” There’s no way that you see yourself contributing to a problem. You complain about your partner and fail to see how you both cooperate and participate in the issue. The barriers are up against hearing your spouse’s perspective.
“Domination phobia.” You’re afraid if you listen to your partner you’ll be controlled, having to do it in his or her way. You hit the “listen off” switch when your spouse makes suggestions to you.
“Defensiveness.” You live with the fear of being criticized. You don’t listen to evaluate what is said but reject all statements. Sometimes you expect to be criticized so you hear it when it’s not even there.
“Mistrust.” You don’t trust your partner. You believe your husband or wife is lying before he or she says anything. You feel that if you show any indication that you’re listening; your partner will take advantage of you.
“Self-centeredness.” This can also be called selfishness or narcissism. There is no understanding directed toward the other person’s needs or concerns. Your partner is hardly even thought of except to deny his or her right to feel, behave, or say anything to contradict you.
These attitudes keep growth and change from taking place.
Is there a difference between listening and hearing? Yes, there is. Hearing is gaining content or information for your own purposes. Listening is caring for and being empathic toward the person who is talking. Hearing means that you’re concerned about what’s going on inside yourself during the conversation. Listening means you’re trying to understand the feelings of your spouse and are listening for the sake of the other person. Let me give you a threefold definition of listening. Listening means that when your spouse is talking to you:
You’re not thinking about what you’re going to say when he or she stops talking. You aren’t busy formulating your response. You’re concentrating on what is being said and are putting it into practice. “He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame“ (Proverbs 18:13). It also means you’re looking at the person and listening with your eyes as well as with your ears.
You’re accepting what is being said without judging what he or she is saying or how it’s being said. You may fail to hear the message if you’re thinking that you don’t like your spouse’s tone of voice or words. You may react to the tone and content and miss the meaning. Perhaps your spouse hasn’t said it in the best way, but why not listen and come back later when both of you are calm and discuss the proper wording and tone of voice? Acceptance doesn’t mean you have to agree with the content of what is said. Rather, it means that you understand that what your spouse is saying is something he or she feels is important.
You should be able to repeat what your spouse has said and what you think he or she was feeling while speaking to you. Real listening implies an obvious interest in your spouse’s feelings and opinions and an attempt to understand them from their perspective. It means you let your partner know, “I hear and understand what you’re saying, and I want to respond.”
When you listen to another person, you can actually disarm him or her, especially when you’re being criticized. Arguing with a critic rarely works but agreeing builds a closer relationship. When you listen you don’t defend yourself, but neither do you have to agree with all that is said. If you can find some small element of truth to agree with, your spouse will be less on the offensive and more open to listening to you and considering your request. As a result, your desire for him or her to change may receive consideration.

We’re sorry to say that the book, How to Change Your Spouse is out of print. But the message is vital. Marriage puts us in the position to continually make important choices to partner with each other to build bridges of communication. Keep in mind what the Bible says, “A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions” (Proverbs 18:2). “Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance.” (Proverbs 1:5).
We pray this message ministers to your marriage.

A Sacred Marriage – Marriage Message

To God, marriage is sacred —there’s no doubt about it —not from God’s vantage point! It’s important for us to realize that:

“A giant thread runs throughout scripture comparing God’s relationship to His people with the human institution of marriage” (Gary Thomas).

The problem is that most Christians either don’t see that thread and/or they don’t realize its importance. We sure didn’t. It hasn’t been until recent years, through our studies, and reading God’s word, that we saw this thread and came to know that because of it, we need to take marriage as serious as God does. Entering into a covenant relationship with another person (our spouse) and our God is a serious commitment. We should consider marriage to be sacred and approach it as God does!
That’s why we want to point out a book that we wish everyone could read. It’s called Sacred Marriage, written by Gary Thomas. If you can obtain and read this book, we HIGHLY recommend you do so. For us, it has been a real life-changer, in the way we now see and approach marriage. So, for this Marriage Message, we’re going to share a few quotes from the book, hoping you will also prayerfully consider what Gary writes:

• “To spiritually benefit from marriage, we have to be honest. We have to look at our disappointments, own up to our ugly attitudes, and confront our selfishness. We also have to rid ourselves of the notion that the difficulties of marriage can be overcome if we simply pray harder or learn a few simple principles. Most of us have discovered that these ‘simple steps’ work only on a superficial level. Why is this? Because there’s a deeper question that needs to be addressed beyond how we can ‘improve’ our marriages: What if God didn’t design marriage to be ‘easier’? What if God had an end in mind that went beyond our happiness, our comfort, and our desire to be infatuated and happy as if the world were a perfect place? What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?” (pg. 13)
• “I found there was a tremendous amount of immaturity within me that my marriage directly confronted. The key was that I had to change my view of marriage. If the purpose of marriage was simply to enjoy an infatuation and make me ‘happy,’ then I’d have to get a ‘new’ marriage every two or three years. But if I really wanted to see God transform me from the inside out, I’d need to concentrate on changing myself rather than on changing my spouse. In fact, you might even say, the more difficult my spouse proved to be, the more opportunity I’d have to grow. Just as physical exercise needs to be somewhat strenuous, so ‘relational exercise’ may need to be a bit vigorous to truly stress-test the heart.” (pg. 23)
• “I believe that much of the dissatisfaction we experience in marriage comes from expecting too much from it. I have a rather outdated computer so I know there are some things I simply can’t do with it; there’s just not enough memory or processing power to run certain programs or combine certain tasks. It’s not that I have a bad computer; it’s just that I can’t reasonably expect more from it than it has power to give. In the same way, some of us ask too much of marriage. We want to get the largest portion of our life’s fulfillment from our relationship with our spouse. That’s asking too much. Yes, without a doubt there should be moments of happiness, meaning, and a general sense of fulfillment. But my wife can’t be God, and I was created with a spirit that craves God. Anything less than God, and I’ll feel an ache.” (pg. 25)
• “If there is one thing engaged couples need to hear, it’s that a good marriage is not something you find, it’s something you work for. It takes struggle. You must crucify your selfishness. It helps when we view our struggles in light of what they provide for us spiritually rather than in light of what they take from us emotionally. Working through disagreements is taxing. There are a million things I’d rather do than put in the time and effort to leap over a relational hurdle. If I’m in my marriage for emotional stability, I probably won’t last long. But if I think it can reap spiritual benefits, I’ll have reason to not just be married, but act married.” (pg. 133)
• “What marriage has done for me is hold up a mirror to my sin. It forces me to face myself honestly and consider my character flaws, selfishness, and anti-Christian attitudes, encouraging me to be sanctified and cleansed and to grow in godliness. Kathleen and Thomas Hart write, ‘Sometimes what is hard to take in the first years of marriage is not what we find out about our partner, but what we find out about ourselves. As one young woman who had been married about a year said, ‘I always thought of myself as a patient and forgiving person. Then I began to wonder if that was just because I had never before gotten close to anyone. In marriage, when John and I began…dealing with difference, I saw how small and unforgiving I could be. I discovered a hardness in me I had never experienced before.’” (Pg. 93)
• “One of the best wedding gifts God gave you was a full-length mirror called your spouse. Had there been a card attached, it would have said, ‘Here’s to helping you discover what you’re really like! (Gary and Betsy Ricucci, pg. 89)
• “Infatuation can be an intoxicating drug that temporarily covers up any number of inner weaknesses. But marriage is a spotlight showing us that our search for another human being to ‘complete’ us is misguided. When disillusionment breaks through, we have one of two choices: Dump our spouse and become infatuated with someone new, or seek to understand the message behind the disillusionment—that we should seek our significance, meaning, and purpose in our Creator rather than in another human being.” (pg. 83)
• “If you treat a man as he is, he will stay as he is. But if you treat him as if he were what he ought to be and could be, he will become the bigger and better man.” (Johann Wolfgang van Goethe)
• “Marriage can never remove the trials—in fact it almost always creates new ones. But even difficult marriages to difficult men can give women the strength to become the people God created them to be. (So it is for men married to difficult women as well.)” (pg. 147)
• “Knowing why we are married and should stay married is crucial. This will lead us into a discussion argued by Pastor C. J. Mahaney in an audiotape series on marriage titled According to Plan. The key question is this: Will we approach marriage from a God-centered view or a man-centered view? In a man-centered view, we will maintain our marriage as long as our earthly comforts, desires, and expectations are met. In a God-centered view, we preserve our marriage because it brings glory to God and points a sinful world to a reconciling Creator.” (pg. 32)

Please consider:

“Merely being faithful to your spouse is quite a testimony in this society. But as you go beyond that to communicate love for your spouse in a consistent, creative, and uninhibited way, the world can’t help but notice. God will be honored.” (Gary and Betsy Ricucci)

It is our hope and prayer that God will be honored by the way every one of us conducts ourselves within our marriages. Even if our spouse doesn’t act in an honorable way, it doesn’t give us an excuse to do that, which is wrong. May we continually reveal and reflect the love of God in the way we live our lives, both within our homes and outside of them. And may our actions be used of God to point others to Him, so they will want to know our God better!

If Walls Could Talk – Marriage Message

If our walls could talk, they sure would have a lot to say! Have you ever thought about that? What do you think they’d say? Oh, we’re not talking about the private moments between husband and wife where certain things should be kept private between them and God. We’re talking over-all, what would they say?
The Bible says in Proverbs 24:3-4: “By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures.“
So, is your home being built through understanding and gaining knowledge of the ways of the Lord? The principles for loving each other are the principles for living, written throughout the Bible. If the walls of your home could talk, what would they say about how YOU PERSONALLY conduct yourself within your marriage relationship?
You can’t control your spouse. You can suggest, talk about, hope and pray that your spouse will act in a manner worthy of the Lord’s calling for how he or she treats you as his or her partner in life. But you can’t MAKE your spouse live by God’s standards for living.
So, our message is addressed to you personally. The Bible says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone“ (Romans 12:18). And that includes your spouse!
The question that we place before you (as we place it before ourselves) is: If the walls in your home could talk, AS FAR AS IT DEPENDS UPON YOU, what would they say?

• If the walls of your home could talk… would they speak of your faithfulness in your marital relationship?

The Bible says: “Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well“ (Proverbs 5:15).
Even if your spouse is unfaithful, it doesn’t give you the right to be unfaithful in how you conduct your life. “The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy. Rather clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature” (Romans 13:12-14).

• If the walls of your home could talk… would they say that you build up and encourage your spouse?

The Bible says in Proverbs 14:1: “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish tears hers down.” Don’t allow your words and attitudes to tear down the spirit of those who dwell within your home. And that goes for men as well as for women!

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you“ (Ephesians 4:29-32).
Jesus said, “A household divided against itself will not stand“ (Matthew 12:25). Are you a builder or a destroyer?

• If the walls of your house could talk… would they testify that Jesus is Lord of your life and that you bring strength into your home?

“Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain“ (Psalm 127:1).

• If the walls of your home could talk… would they say you’re a quarrelsome person —picking ungodly arguments in the way you act out what’s bothering you?

“Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife“ (Proverbs 25:24).
And that doesn’t let men off the hook in this type of situation: “If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless“ (James 1:26).
“But I tell you that men will have to give account on the Day of Judgment for every careless word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned“ (Matthew 12:37).

• If the walls of your home could talk… would they say that the Lord dwells within them and that your life is a window in which others can clearly see the love of Christ displayed?

“Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit lives in you?“ (1 Corinthians 3:16)
“You show that you are a letter from Christ… written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts“ (2 Corinthians 3:3).
Jesus said, “By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another“ (John 13:35).

• If the walls of your home could talk… would they testify that there is at least ONE person who lives within your home that is pressing forward to live faithfully, communicating the Gospel with and without words?

Are you a light to your spouse, your children, your neighbors, and everyone who comes in contact with you?
Do you learn from your mistakes and do you confess to God and those you offend, asking for forgiveness and working with God to stop this behavior? Are you living an authentic life in Christ?
We’re asking you these questions to both challenge and urge you to consider your personal walk with the Lord and your walk within your home —which should be consistent in how your faith is lived out. These are questions we ask ourselves and pray the Lord will help ALL of us to live faithfully to the end of our lives here on earth.
Jesus said, “Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say? I will show you what he is like who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice. He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built” (Luke 6:46-48).
That is our prayer for all of us —that we will build our marriages, our homes, and our lives on the strong foundation set forth through Jesus Christ!

LIVING The Gospel Message – Marriage Message

 A while back we went to the Middle East ministering with others, to faithful workers of the Gospel. We fell in love with our fellow brothers and sisters over there and believe that our lives have been forever changed in a positive way.
On this trip Dr David Ferguson (Greatcommandment.net) was one of the teachers. Much of what he taught can be a lesson for us all —whether we’re on the mission field or not (although our marriages can be viewed as a mission field in itself). In this Marriage Message we’ll summarize below that which is particularly relevant to marriages.
David talked about common hindrances to presenting the gospel. He said, “We may be living out the only gospel message some people will ever witness.” That’s one reason why we need to communicate the gospel not only with our words, but with our actions so they don’t overshadow what the Lord is saying to those He brings our way.
It tells us in the Bible in 1 John 3:16, “We know love by this —that He laid down His life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for the Brethren.” Relating to this scripture, Dr Ferguson pointed out that:
“We need to both SHARE the gospel and LIVE the gospel. The Bible is both a TRUTHFUL GOSPEL, pointing out, ‘He laid down His life for us.‘ It’s also a RELATIONAL GOSPEL, which tells us, ‘we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.‘”
Too often our words to others are overshadowed by the contradictions they see in how we live our lives. They sometimes look at us and think, “Why should I listen to a word he or she says to me about the love Christ has for me and wants me to have for others when I look at how they treat each other and see just the opposite? Why should pay attention to what they’re saying? It seems pretty hypocritical to me!”
As Dr Ferguson says, “The relational testimony of my life will either CONFIRM the truthfulness of the gospel or it will DISTRACT from the truthfulness of the Gospel.” People need to see that I’m willing to lay down my own agenda for the sake of the gospel —to deny my willful ways of doing things and give of myself on behalf of the “brethren” —whether outside my home, or inside my home with my spouse and family.
It’s not that we are to let our spouse victimize us or that we enable their sinful ways to continue, but we’re to live out the ways of Christ in such a way that the words of the Bible ring true, “They will know us because of the love we show towards one another.” Our approach is more Christlike.
And it’s not that we have to “act” as performers so people will be more willing to listen to the gospel —but we are to live our lives in such a genuine way that it shows that what we say, we TRULY believe. There’s truth in our actions, as well as what we say.
It’s hypocritical to live our lives one way in front of open doors and another way behind closed doors. Eventually that, which is done in darkness, is revealed in the Light of Christ. And at that point it can have a serious impact on the testimony of the Lord.
Being a follower of Christ is about living Christ’s ways whether we have a human “audience” or not. But we need to be aware of the fact that there is always a spiritual one. It’s tragic to think how we “entertain” the enemy of our faith and cause rejoicing whenever we hurt each other with our words and/or our actions. What’s even worse is to know that because God always sees us, how His heart must grieve whenever HE sees us hurt each other!
We pray that whether your spouse treats you as he or she should, or not, you’ll ask God to help you to stay true to what you know the Lord would want of you. The question is always, “What would Jesus do in this situation?” It will help you to live out the Gospel Message.
One pastor wrote:
“There are two reasons people don’t become Christians:
(1) They’ve never met a Christian…
(2) they have.”
We hope you’ll consider this message and if you realize that you have not been LIVING the Gospel Message that you will repent of this inconsistency and will do what it takes to line your life up with the message of Christ.
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” (Hebrews 12:1-3)
“But I do not consider my life of any account as dear to myself, in order that I may finish my course, and my ministry which I received from the Lord Jesus Christ, to testify solemnly of the gospel of the grace of God.” (Acts 20:24)
Please know that our love and prayers are with you as together we strive to make our marriages the best they can be so they reveal and reflect the love of Christ to the glory of God!

The GIFT – Marriage Message

All around us we see people searching for just the “right gift” to give their spouse. “But thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!” (2 Corinthians 9:15) You can’t get anymore perfect of a gift than to know Jesus in a personal way! Please don’t forget Him in all you do this season.
“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth that we might be a kind of first fruits of all He created.” (James 1:17-18)
And the “Word of Truth” is JESUS! “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of men.” … “He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him.”
The question is have YOU personally received him as the gift God intends for you to have? If you haven’t you can visit WhoisJesus-really.com or contact us to further explain how you can.
“Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God —children born not of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God.” (John 1:10-13)
As we contemplate giving each other gifts this Christmas, it is our hope that none of us forgets the greatest gift God gave. He gave us Himself —in the human form of His son JESUS!
We hope that you will get to know Him in a more personal way than ever before by making the time to read His Word, the Bible (if you aren’t doing so already). We know this is a busy time of the year. But don’t miss out on your most important appointment of all!
“As God’s fellow workers we urge you not to receive God’s grace in vain. For He says, ‘In the time of my favor I heard you, and in the day of salvation I helped you.’ I tell you, now is the time of God’s favor; now is the day of salvation” (2 Corinthians 6:1-2). “Seek the Lord while He may be found; call on Him while He is near” (Isaiah 55:6). You can neglect a lot of things, but please don’t neglect your relationship with your Living Lord!
If you don’t have a Bible, you might ask your spouse for one this Christmas (or dust off the one you have if you haven’t been reading it). Don’t wait until the first of the year to start reading, start as soon as possible to learn the treasures it has in store for you to experience.
It’s important to read God’s word because it will help you to know Him better as you experience personal worship time spent one-on-one with Him. It will also help you in your marriage as you truly apply what the Bible says about everyday living.
As author Gary Thomas says (which we personally know to be true):

“Personal worship is an absolute necessity for a strong marriage. It comes down to this: If I stop receiving from God, I start demanding from others. Instead of appreciating and loving and serving others, I become disappointed in them. Instead of cherishing my wife, I become aware of her shortcomings. I take out my frustrations with a less-than-perfect life and somehow blame HER for my lack of fulfillment.
“But when my heart gets filled by God’s love and acceptance, I’m set free to love instead of worrying about being loved. I’m motivated to serve instead of becoming obsessed about whether I’m being served. I’m moved to cherish instead of feeling unappreciated.”

So don’t forget your time of personal worship, including reading God’s word, taking in all of the nourishment and help it has for you —especially in your marriage. The most perfect gift you can ever experience is to know Christ in a more personal way. The Bible will help you to do that.
The following is an inscription that William Nesbitt Jr. put in the front of the Bible he gave his wife 59 years ago (featured in a past Marriage Partnership Magazine article titled, “The Perfect Gift”):

To Bernice at Christmas 1947,
There are so many things I want you to have this Christmas, but I couldn’t possibly give you all of them. I chose this gift because it can do more of those things than I can, and do them incomparably better.
I’d like always to be there to help you, but in this book lies the answer to your every problem. I want to comfort you when you’re sad, yet what greater comfort is available than that which you can find within these pages? I want to give you strength in your hours of weakness, but I couldn’t begin to give you the strength you’ll find here.
It gives me pleasure to make you happy, but this gift is the source of the greatest happiness you’ll ever find. I want to be your friend, but here you will find the staunchest of all friends. Most of all, I want to help you accomplish the task God put you on earth to do. Within the covers of this book you will find the tools, the instructions, the pattern, the teacher, and the friend that will help you accomplish this task much better than I can.
What else can I give you that will do so much? It can be with you when I can’t, help you when I don’t know how, and speak to you words of love and comfort more eloquently than I’m capable of doing. It can give you strength to minister to others, and the part of this book you store in your mind will forever be an invaluable resource.
All these things you know, and you would have gotten them anyway, but to furnish you with the medium through which they’ll come brings me happiness beyond description. I wish you a joyous Christmas, and a New Year of blessing as you follow the path God has planned for us to walk together.
With all my love, Bill

We know that not all of you have spouses who will give a beautiful gift like this, and for that we’re truly sorry. We know it grieves the heart of God that many don’t understand how valuable it is to love Christ and LIVE CHRIST. But there’s nothing stopping you from going into God’s Word to receive the benefit of knowing Him better. Even if your life is chaotically busy, God can show you how to find snatches of time to gain spiritual nourishment even while you’re “on the go.”

“I’ve seen a constant formula at work in my life: the less I receive from God, the more I demand from my wife; the more I receive from God, the more I am set free to give to my wife. The best thing you can do for your marriage is to fill your soul with God. Start defining disappointment with your spouse as spiritual hunger, a cosmic call to worship. Marriage is a wonderful institution, but it is limited. It can’t replace God. Don’t ask it to.” (Gary Thomas, Devotions for a Sacred Marriage: A Year of Weekly Devotions for Couples)

We hope you won’t,

Marriage Inspiration and Laughter

“If you don’t laugh, you’ll probably cry.” That’s what came to mind after writing to a friend who is hurting in her marriage and then reading something sent to us that made us laugh. The laughter is like a healing balm that the Lord sent at the right time. How grateful we are that we have a God who knows that is what we needed! In this Marriage Message we hope this will be what you need, as well —inspiration to consider and then moments of laughter to enjoy.
First, let me explain. Our friend was going through a time of “darkness” in her marriage. She and her husband both personally “know” the Lord but they weren’t connecting relationally, so things were tense (to say the least). With the help of a counselor, and their looking to the Lord for guidance, we know that things will “work together for the good” (as we’re told in Romans 8:28) because both of them ARE “called according to God’s good purpose.” But it doesn’t mean that the “journey” along the way is without pain, or times of questioning and wondering.
In this message we’re sharing a portion of the advice we gave to our friend (which doesn’t reveal anything personal about the situation to keep confidentiality). We’re hoping it might inspire you (or someone you know) as you journey through a “dark” time in your life and/or your marriage:

“I pray that as you proceed through this day that you will see God’s ‘gentle lights.’ Author Max Lucado talks about ‘Doubtstorms.’ He says ‘there are snowstorms; there are hailstorms; there are rainstorms; and there are doubtstorms.’ He describes doubtstorms as ‘those turbulent days when the enemy is too big, the task is too great, the future too bleak, and the answers are too few.’ But then he goes on to describe ‘gentle lights’ as ‘God’s solutions for doubtstorms —not thunderbolts —not explosions of light —just gentle lights —visible evidence of the invisible hand. It’s soft reminders that optimism is not just for fools.’
“He goes on to say, ‘When God comes, we doubters think, all pain will flee. Life will be tranquil and no questions will remain. But because we look for the bonfire, we miss the candle. Because we listen for the shout, we miss the whisper. But it is in burnished candles that God comes and through whispered promises he speaks: ‘When you doubt, look around; I am closer than you think.’ In each day, we hope you will look for and see God’s gentle lights.
“When we were in Kenya visiting our prodigal son (an archeologist doing research there at the time), we asked God to show us ‘God moments.’ We sensed God was taking us on a journey of growth —that if we really looked beyond what our eyes could see, God would show us He was working in our son’s life. Ours would be a faith-stretching experience as if God was saying, ‘you say you trust me. Will you trust Me even when you don’t SEE my hand at work —to know that I AM?’ We committed to trust and not complain but to look for Him wherever we were. If He chose to reveal any of His workings we would be grateful, but being on a ‘faith-walk’ means pressing on even when it doesn’t make ‘human’ sense to do so.
“At that point we started to see things we never saw before —God’s ‘gentle lights’ in the midst of everything else that was going on. Eventually it got to be so blatantly obvious that by the end of our trip, we figured our son was processing things in his mind like, ‘how did they pull all of this off when I know they didn’t have any way of setting things up ahead of time?’ And we didn’t. GOD did! For our son, we’re thinking it became irritating. But thankfully, we saw God’s graciousness in allowing us to ‘peek’ at the spiritual work going on all around.
“For you, this would be different. Both of you know the Lord. But in other ways it’s the same. Your husband isn’t ‘aware’ of all that’s going on around him. He’s still caught up in how this affects his life. He doesn’t see that he has to look beyond himself —taking his wants and desires out of it (Philippians 2 in action) in order to ultimately get the best that God has for him and for both of you. I pray that one of these days he will.
“But until that day I pray that God will show you His ‘gentle lights’ so you can walk with hope that the path ahead of you won’t always be so darkened. For now God seems to be giving you ‘just enough light for the path you’re on’ (and even then it ‘appears’ to be less ‘light’ than what we need —but that shows that God is in control and not us). Someday I just know in my heart that you’ll see a brighter future and you’ll even have enough light shining in your life that you can spare giving some of it to others to help them —just as God is doing for me right now.
“I hope that you will ask God to show you His ‘gentle lights’ today and then open your eyes to start looking for them. I truly believe that you will be amazed at all of the ways in which God is blessing you and is working beneath the surface and all around you. It’s my hope that you’ll find a way to enjoy the journey as much as it’s possible and don’t forget to laugh. Look for the humor amidst the garbage and I have a feeling you’ll see some beams of light peeking through.”

After sending off that letter we received something from Crosswalk.com —a web site ministry where you can sign up for e-mailed devotionals, and more. Here’s the message we received (that brought us a lot of laughter) titled, “What He Says —What He means.” We hope it brings you laughter too:

• “’I’m going fishing.’ What this really means is: ‘I’m going to stand by a stream with a stick in my hand all day, while the fish swim by in complete safety.’
• “’It’s a guy thing’ really means ‘there is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.’
• “’Can I help with dinner?’ really means ‘Why isn’t it already on the table?’
• “’Uh-huh.’ ‘Yes, dear’ really means absolutely nothing; It’s a conditioned response.
• “’It would take too long to explain’ really means ‘I have no idea how it works.’
• “’We’re going to be late’ really means ‘I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.’
• “’Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard’ really means ‘I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.
• “’That’s interesting, dear’ really means ‘are you still talking?’
• “’I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing’ really means ‘I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.’
• “’I can’t find it’ really means ‘it didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m clueless.’
• “’You know I could never love anyone else’ really means: ‘I’m used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse.
• “’You look terrific’ really means: ‘please don’t try on one more outfit; I’m starving.’
• “’I’m not lost; I know exactly where we are’ really means: ‘No one will ever see us again.’”

Being Your Spouse’s Cheerleader – Marriage Message

Now, when some of you see the title above, you might be inclined to think, “Why should I be my spouse’s cheerleader when my spouse doesn’t give me much to “cheer” about?” You may be thinking, “I’ll be my spouse’s cheerleader when they start to ‘cheer’ me on!” But where in the Bible does it say that we’re to only “do unto others AS LONG AS they do unto us?”
We hope that you’ll be inspired and challenged as you read the following, which was written by Jeannette and Robert Lauer, from the book, Intimacy on the Run, published by Dimensions for Living (which is unfortunately no longer being printed). They write:

Most of you learned as you were growing up how to be critics. Parents and teachers alike were more likely to point out your wrong turns than to applaud your right ones. Researchers observing parents interacting with their children have found that parents give far more words of direction and reproof than of praise to their children. And probably many of you had teachers who noted every mistake but rarely or never praised creative or even error-free work.
The upshot is that many people come to marriage well equipped to be a critic but having an underdeveloped sense of how to be a cheerleader. They tend to be vocal about the displeasing things that their spouses say and do, but are likely to watch in silence when their spouses are performing well.
We urge you to reverse this pattern, so that your spouse hears far more positive and approving things from you than negative and critical ones. An excellent way to cement your union for life is to become each other’s cheer-leader. Just recall the times in your life when someone praised or encouraged or thanked you. Think about how you felt. No one ever gets weary of, or even loses the need to hear, such affirmation. Just as we want to be around people who make us laugh, we want to be with those who value and appreciate us.
There’s a delightful scene in the play and movie Fiddler on the Roof, where Tevye asks his wife if she loves him. She replies by reminding him of how many years she has taken care of him and their family. But he persists with the question, for he needs to hear the words, “I love you.”
We’re all much the same. We need to hear words of love and affirmations from our spouses. So become your spouse’s cheerleader. Among other things:
1. Applaud your spouse’s achievements. By achievements, we mean everything from success at work to mastering a new skill to handling a difficult situation well. A female friend of ours returned to school to complete her college education after her children were grown. Her feelings of joy at what she was achieving were frayed by her husband’s reaction: “I try to tell him some of the things I’m learning in my psychology class, and he just puts them down as dumb.”
Even if he disagreed with some of the content of what she was learning, he could have muted his criticisms and praised her enthusiasm and her intellectual development. It would have taken no more time than his cynical dismissal, and it would have added a halo to joy to his wife and to their marriage.
2. Compliment your spouse from time to time on things you admire about him or her. And don’t take it for granted that your words are superfluous. A wife told us:
“We had been married eight years when my husband told me how nice I looked one morning as I was leaving for work. I nearly fainted because he never seemed to notice what I wore or how I looked. I thanked him, but also told him how amazed I was by his compliment. He said I always seemed so confident about my appearance that he felt it wasn’t necessary to tell me how good I always looked. But I told him that it was really important to hear the words from him.”
It’s a relatively simple matter to say such things as: “You did a good job”; “I love the way you make people feel so welcome when they come to our home to your meals”; I like the way you lay your head on my shoulder when you’re tired”; “You are so loving with the kids, even when you discipline them.” So in addition to a laugh a day, give your spouse a compliment every day.
3. Follow the rules of courtesy with your spouse. Acts of courtesy and thoughtfulness that you accord to others should also be given to your spouse. These include saying “please” and “thank you,” holding a door open, offering to get something your spouse needs or would like (such as a coat or a napkin), pouring your spouse an extra cup of coffee rather than waiting for him or her to get it. Such small acts send an important message: “I care about you and am sensitive to your needs.” Little things really do mean a lot.

We hope this inspires you to be your spouse’s cheerleader. You were BEFORE you married —it’s probably part of the reason your spouse fell in love with you. Now that you are married, don’t stop. You’d be amazed at how much this could improve your relationship as you continue to do so.
Just because we live together in marriage, it doesn’t mean that we should take each other for granted or be any less courteous or encouraging than we were before marrying. Being our spouse’s cheerleader could inspire them to do better and greater things than we ever thought imaginable! Plus it’s the right thing to do.

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. (Hebrews 10:24)

Please know that our love and prayers are with you.

Confrontation – Marriage Message

Who in the world enjoys confronting someone when there’s a problem? Not either one of us —that’s for sure! And from the people we talk to, there aren’t too many others who do either. But what do you do when you have a problem and you NEED to confront your marital “partner” about it?
Did you notice that we said marital “partner?” We emphasize that because that’s what we’re supposed to be in our marriages. We’re supposed to interact with each other as “no longer two but one flesh” being “united” in how we conduct ourselves in our married life, not acting in ways that separate our marital unity. (See: Matthew 19:4-6 and Mark 10:7-9.)
The biblical principle comes to mind to “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” So, how would YOU want to be confronted if you were doing something you shouldn’t be doing? You (just like us) would probably want your spouse to be as gentle as possible. You/we may not LIKE to be confronted or to confront, but if it needs to be done, at least be gentle about it and allow the spouse’s dignity and feelings to remain in tact (to the degree they can be).
It’s ironic that WE would want to be treated in a gentler matter, yet many times when WE confront our spouse we can be harsh and blunt about it rationalizing, “Well, they deserve this because they hurt me!” The Bible tells us that “The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil” (Proverbs 15:28). Our words may not be evil but are they kind and compassionate (as we would want our spouse to be to us)?
We’re also told in the Bible, “A wise man’s heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction“ (Proverbs 16:23). “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control” (Proverbs 29:11).
When you do confront, remember, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen“ (Ephesians 4:29). Make sure what you say will “benefit” your marriage and your spouse. Ask yourself, “What difference will this thing we’re fighting about make in ten years? In one year? In a month?” If it will make no difference, then consider if it’s important enough to even bring it up.
But if you’re sure it’s important to confront your spouse about a particular matter, remember that the Bible tells us that “a gentle answer turns away wrath.” That can be also true in how we approach our spouse over any situation that’s important to us. If we come in with both guns blazing, we’ll usually only succeed in getting shot back. But if we soften our approach, “speaking the truth in love” our spouse will have more of a tendency to receptive to listen and interact in a productive way.
Also remember:

• Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing (Proverbs 12:18).
• While it’s critical to find the truth about issues affecting your marriage, relationship is always more important than issues. You are partners, not prosecutors. That partnership doesn’t end when you discuss sensitive topics. (Rob Jackson) Love aims at unity.
• Never let the problem to be solved become more important than the person to be loved. (Barbara Johnson)
• You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice. (Emerson Eggerichs)

Lastly, the following is something that relationship expert, Gary Smalley had posted on one of his past web sites (he has had many). This advice might better guide you when it’s necessary for you to confront your spouse:

Here are three principles that outline a way to gently confront. The other person is far more apt to receive your comments when he or she hears them expressed through these principles:

1. Learn to express your feelings through three loving attitudes: warmth, empathy, and sincerity. These are common words, but what do they mean? Warmth is the friendly acceptance of a person. Empathy is the ability to understand and identify with a person’s feelings. Sincerity is showing a genuine concern for a person without changing your attitude toward him when circumstances change.

2. Learn to share your feelings when angry or irritated without using “you” statements and instead replacing them with “I feel” statements.

3. Learn to wait until your anger or feelings of irritability have subsided before you begin to discuss a sensitive issue.

No one likes to be criticized, regardless of how much truth lies behind the criticism. Whether, we are male or female, six or sixty, when someone corrects us, we automatically become defensive.
Yet honest communication is vital to any relationship. These two basic truths appear contradictory. How do you honestly tell the one you love about something you find displeasing or aggravating without prompting, that familiar, defensive glare or indifferent shrug?
Lord, help me express myself in such a way that my loved one knows deeply of my love and care.

To help you further with this issue and other communication problems you may be having search around our web site and see what we have posted that you can use. We even have a list of Scriptures on Communication in the Communication and Conflict topic, that you may want to go through together.

22 Minutes To A Better Marriage

Are you finding it difficult to spend time together as a married couple?
You probably spent a lot of time together before the wedding thinking that after you married, you would have even more time to enjoy being with each other. We sure fell for that one! But the sad thing that happens in most marriages is that the opposite becomes true. Life happens.

“Somewhere between ‘We are gathered here today’ and ’till death do us part’ there is a lot of real life going on
—ups and downs, highlights and failures, dreams attained and dreams lost. Real-life marriage is hard, a balancing act of jobs, children, friends, in-laws, paying bills, cooking meals and maintaining a home. Not only these, but we also deal with transitions to different stages of marriage—adjusting as newlyweds, working dual careers, having kids, kids growing up, moving, changing jobs, and growing older.
“Often the one we’re supposed to love most is lost in the confusion of life. You need to put activities into your life together to help you to enjoy and encourage each other as husband and wife as well as to foster talking, learning and growing together.” (From “HELP! WE’RE MARRIED… An Activity Calendar for Couples” by Kandi Arnold, Andrea Devin, and Dale Sprowl)

That’s because:

“A marriage requires a commitment of time, energy, and resources just to survive, let alone thrive and grow. No one would expect a garden to grow without a gardener giving it the proper care. But many people expect their marriage to grow and thrive without putting in time, energy, and money. Don’t be foolish. Every single day you need to do some things that will strengthen your marriage.” (Gil Stieglitz, from book “Marital Intelligence”)

You might be saying, “Yes, but the problem is that we don’t have the time.”
How 22 minutes? Can you make the effort to somehow carve out 22 minutes to spend intentional, quality time together?
The following is something you might consider trying out in your marriage to improve your communication with each other:
A number of years ago McCall’s Magazine conducted an experiment with couples who were happily married, but they needed a boost in their relationship. It was what they called a “Relationship Makeover.” The experiment was a great success!
In this experiment:
The couples agreed to take the time they might have spent watching one television sitcom a day (which comes out to 22 minutes without commercials) and talk. During this time:

• They were to make eye contact and converse.
• There was to be no children in the room (it’s best to wait until they’re in bed).
• There was to be no radio in the background, and of course, no television!
• There was to be no dinner and no dinner dishes.
• They were told to turn on the answering machine.
• They were to focus on what’s positive in their lives.
• This wasn’t to be a time to bring up past hurts.
• They were to do this for one month.

The couples admitted that it was a more rewarding time than they’d ever have dreamed possible!
They said that at first it was a bit awkward and they found themselves looking at the clock a lot, but after a while they were able to enjoy their time together like when they were dating.
It’s worth the time invested to see how this can build your own relationship! We challenge you to try it for a month!

If you’re truly stumped about to what to talk about
here are a few suggestions:

• Go into one of the sections of our web site and print up the document that contains “Thoughts” on that subject. Each date night choose a few of those quotes to discuss. Each of you will state whether you agree or disagree with the quote that was read and why you believe this way. The point is to talk to each other and learn each other’s veiw points.

• In the “Communication Tools” section click onto “Fishbowl Conversations” and print it out so you can spend time each night taking turns answering a few of the questions.

• One of the date night ideas that Growthtrac.com makes available weekly could help you. Access it by clicking HERE.

• In the “Communication Tools” section, click onto “Communication Questions to Take Your Marriage to Higher Levels” to print up and take turns asking each other a few questions each night.

• Take the quiz in the “Communication Tools” section together titled, “QUIZ: So You Know What the Bible Says About Marriage?”

• Go into the Resources part of the “Communication and Conflict” section to find the resources listed that you can purchase to help you in your conversation time with each other.

With those ideas along with what you can use in the “Romantic Ideas” section of our web site, we believe you will find your marriage relationship growing in ways that you never imagined! That is our hope and prayer for you.

Communication while Raising Kids – Marriage Message

“I can’t get a word in edgewise!”
“Do you even care anymore? You don’t talk to me!”
“I can’t talk over the noise!”
“We need to talk, but when?”

Have you ever said those things or thought them? We sure did —especially during the days we were raising our sons. We used to be good at talking together, but after the children came along it just seemed like there wasn’t the time or opportunity to do so and it became frustrating!
We’re sure there are many of you stuck in this same situation. So, what do you do about it? Maybe you can learn some things from an article we came across in a back issue of Marriage Partnership Magazine. The article was titled, When Kids Come Along—Becoming parents forced us to reinvent our communication, written by Me Ra Koh.
In the article the author talked about how she and her husband struggled to communicate when her daughter Pascaline was a toddler. It seemed that everything centered around their daughter’s activities. They rarely found time to discuss anything and when they did it was either too late in the evening to have a good conversation or they were too tired. Eventually they realized they needed to “reinvent” their ways of communicating with each other. Here’s what they came up with:

A needed change
“What’s really going on with you?” Brian asked. That’s when it finally came out. We needed to change the way we were communicating. Life had been changing; long gone were the days when Pascaline would sit in her bouncer and coo at anything that moved.
…No matter how much we wanted her to be patient and sit quietly while Daddy and Mommy talked about their day, it just wasn’t happening. I knew I could either berate myself for mistakes we must be making in our parenting, or I could remind myself that these were the toddler years. These are the years of intense struggle for independence, while at the same time she still needs her diapers changed, face washed, and clothes put on.
Brian and I could see how Pascaline wanted to be part of our dinnertime conversations, even if she could contribute only 4 words. But we fought it. While we felt our freedom to talk threatened when Pascaline moved from the bouncer to her high chair, we still managed to hold somewhat decent conversations. Now we were facing another crossroads; she was growing and changing and needed us to do the same.
The next night we asked my parents to baby sit. Over a restaurant meal, Brian expressed his insecurities over whether I even cared about what he had to share. Then I realized I wasn’t the only one who felt as if we were drifting apart. I shared my desire for him to ask me about my day a second time —when I had a chance to sit and relax. The words second time gave us an idea.
Asking a second time
We decided to ask each other, “How was your day?” twice. The first time is when Brian arrives home from work. We give each other a short answer, which serves as a clue to what we need to discuss after Pascaline is in bed. If I say my day was long and tiring, Brian knows to ask why later. And I listen for the same clues from him.
At 9:30, we stop working on our checklists and meet on the couch for an hour-long date. Over coffee or tea, we ask each other a second time, “How was your day?” This time we give the full, unedited answer. We each get 30 minutes to talk, and the other person listens without interrupting.
That was more than three years ago, and while we don’t get this connection every night, when we do connect it’s been working well. I know if I’m not able to connect with Brian when he first gets home, I can wait until our 9:30 date on the couch. It gives us more freedom to be present with Pascaline before her bedtime. It also gives us each time to do our own thing before we meet on the couch. While I love my 30 minutes of uninterrupted talking the most, I think the best part for Brian is that when we get in bed and turn off the light, my mouth doesn’t turn on.
Five Steps to Reinvent Your Communication:

Find a time. Pick a time in the evening when you and your spouse can sit down after the kids have gone to sleep or when they’re busy doing homework or watching television.

Create a relaxing atmosphere. Brew coffee or make tea. Start a fire or play some quiet instrumental music to create the right atmosphere for you both to share your day.

Be consistent. When you sit down, ask each other the same question. It can be, “How was your day?” or “What was the best part of your day?” A little structure helps keep things on track.

Set a time limit. Decide how much time you want to set aside to catch up with each other. Make sure you don’t go over. While in some ways it can be great to keep talking, you want to make sure you’ve both had equal time to share. A cooking timer works well. This is especially important if one spouse —or both —is a talker.

Try again. Be prepared for the first attempts to be rocky. Our first time went smoothly. The second night we argued and I marched to bed in tears. The third time started to feel familiar. Your talk time doesn’t have to happen every night, but aim for at least 3 times during the week to stay connected.

If you want to learn more, we only gave you part of what the article said. To read it in its entirety please go to the Todayschristianwoman.com web site (which now houses the article), by clicking onto the link, When Kids Came Along. At the same time you can check out what else they have to offer on their web site that can help your marri

Health Reasons To Cook With Cast Iron

1. You can cook with less oil when you use a cast-iron pan.

That lovely sheen on cast-iron cookware is the sign of a well-seasoned pan, which renders it virtually nonstick. The health bonus, of course, is that you won't need to use gads of oil to brown crispy potatoes or sear chicken when cooking in cast-iron. To season your cast-iron skillet, cover the bottom of the pan with a thick layer of kosher salt and a half inch of cooking oil, then heat until the oil starts to smoke. Carefully pour the salt and oil into a bowl, then use a ball of paper towels to rub the inside of the pan until it is smooth. To clean cast iron, never use soap. Simply scrub your skillet with a stiff brush and hot water and dry it completely.

2. Cast iron is a chemical-free alternative to nonstick pans.

Another benefit to using cast-iron pans in place of nonstick pans is that you avoid the harmful chemicals that are found in nonstick pans. The repellent coating that keeps food from sticking to nonstick pots and pans contains PFCs (perfluorocarbons), a chemical that's linked to liver damage, cancer, developmental problems and, according to one 2011 study in the Journal of Clinical Endocrinology & Metabolism, early menopause. PFCs get released -- and inhaled -- from nonstick pans in the form of fumes when pans are heated on high heat. Likewise, we can ingest them when the surface of the pan gets scratched. Both regular and ceramic-coated cast-iron pans are great alternatives to nonstick pans for this reason.

 

3. Cooking with cast iron fortifies your food with iron.

While cast iron doesn't leach chemicals, it can leach some iron into your food ... and that's a good thing. Iron deficiency is fairly common worldwide, especially among women. In fact, 10 percent of American women are iron-deficient. Cooking food, especially something acidic like tomato sauce in a cast-iron skillet can increase iron content, by as much as 20 times.

Soul Mates – Marriage Message

 We’ve all heard the term “soul mates” which is supposed to refer to two people who are so united in their love for each other it’s as if they were “born” for each other because the heart of their souls seem to beat as one. They are “mates” which are destined to be together.
That would be great if it were true. But to be quite truthful, the terminology has more of a fairy tale sound to it than a realistic one. It’s not that married couples can’t be extremely close, because they can be. Steve and I are a great example of that. I can’t imagine feeling closer to ANY human being than I do to Steve. But it isn’t because we were “born” that way —we WORK at it. Being “soul mates” is something you MAKE happen more than something that JUST happens!
I love what Anne Bercht, from Beyondaffairs.com recently said on this subject, with which we totally agree. She wrote:

“Our culture perpetuates the ‘soul mate’ myth, the belief that there exists out in the universe an ideal person that matches us perfectly, and once we meet this magical person we will at last have lasting relationship bliss. Not surprisingly, happily married couples, even those who’ve been married 50 plus years, never credit their relationship happiness to being one of the ‘lucky’ ones who found their soul mate.
“Believing a happy relationship is about finding the right person is like believing successful athletes were just born that way. Of course natural talent is helpful, but it seems that commitment, dedication, tenacity, training, being coached, practice, hard work, determination to succeed and never giving up have a lot more to do with it. [Golfer] Tiger Woods would likely be insulted if you told him his success was due to luck.
“Most people get training for everything they do in life, except for the one thing that can do more for their happiness, health, financial well-being and career success than anything else, and that’s having a strong and healthy marriage. We somehow think we should JUST KNOW how to be married. Yet it should almost seem obvious by divorce rates that something is lacking. How odd that we believe it is bad luck, as if we had no control over our own destinies.
“Because I am happily married today, many people tell me I was just lucky. Considering the hard work, education and commitment I’ve put into my marriage, I find these comments by well-meaning people to be naïve. One of the keys to a successful marriage/relationship is education, learning the skills.”

We couldn’t agree more! Anything that is worthwhile doesn’t come without paying a price in some way. And a good marriage is one of those things that come because each marital partner has sacrificed over and over again to make it so.
It’s like a beautiful garden; you can plant it and admire it for a short while, but eventually it will take a lot of work to KEEP it beautiful. And that’s especially true when human beings are involved in anything. We’re MUCH more complicated than gardens and it will take a lot of work to keep our marital relationship one that is beautiful. It’s like what Bill Hybels said in his book, Fit to Be Tied:

“Marriage can be wonderful. It can be deeply satisfying and mutually fulfilling. But if it becomes that, it is because both partners have paid a very high price over many years to make it that way. They will have died to selfishness a thousand times. They will have had countless difficult conversations. They will have endured sleepless nights and strained days. They will have prayed hundreds of prayers for wisdom and patience and courage and understanding. They will have said ‘I’m sorry’ too many times to remember. They will have been stretched to the breaking point often enough to have learned that, unless Christ is at the center of both their lives, the odds for achieving marital satisfaction are very, very low.”

Our hope is that you won’t buy into the lie that “Love should just come easy… if it’s too difficult to make our love work then we should just give it up and move on to find our REAL soul mate.”
That’s not the way that God intended marriage to be. God created marriage to be a visible picture of Christ’s love for the church. The love we commit ourselves to hold for each other when we enter into marriage is to be “agape” love —just like the love Christ has for us. He loved us so much that He subjected Himself to death on a cross to die for our sins.
And as we take hold of the love gift Christ gave to us, we can live in the resurrected victory that Christ provided where we are forgiven for our sins and have the opportunity to live a new life in Christ.
Agape love is Godly love. It never quits and is unconditional. It’s a type of sacrificial love, which loves BEYOND that which seems to be unlovable. It is a covenant-holding type of love. That’s the kind of love that REAL “soul mates” hold for each other. It’s the kind of love God expects us to live out in our marriages —a Christ-like love.

Unfortunately, some of you are married to someone who has broken covenant with you, and some of you are married to someone who is volatile and violent and you need to find a way to protect yourself (and your children) and may have found it necessary to live apart from your spouse. We pray that even in these circumstances you’ll fight the tendency to be bitter and unforgiving and hateful, rather than lovingly pray for a spouse that has broken your heart, as well as God’s heart. We have a lot of articles on our web site that we hope will help you work through these situations.
For those of you who are in “rusty marriage” situations, or in one where “you have lost your first love” for your spouse, or one where you just need to learn some things to help you to better live with each other, we have a lot of helpful articles on our web site, which we hope you can visit.
In closing, we want to challenge you with this additional thought from Bill Hybels:

“Some couples get stuck for so long they forget what a good marriage is like. They begin to settle for a mediocre marriage, or even for a miserable one. They need somebody to refresh their minds and teach them how to get back to a healthy, positive loving way of relating.”

Keep in mind what it says in Colossians 3:23-24, “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.” That includes working at your marriage relationship