Supporting THOUGH Hard Times – Marriage Message

When Cindy and I (Steve) repeated our wedding vows on March 18, 1972, and we got to the part where we said we would take each other “…in sickness and in health,” neither one of us dreamed our marriage would be tested in that way just two years later.
In April 1974, I was diagnosed as a Type 1 diabetic meaning I’d have to deal with this disease daily and take multiple insulin shots for the rest of my life. The turmoil my diabetes brought into our marriage nearly destroyed it.
We know that hundreds of thousands of husbands and wives live with the difficult challenges of their partners’ illnesses day after day, with no relief in sight. This can put a real strain on the marital relationship because the thought of a “normal” marriage is no longer possible.
Most everyone will encounter some type of crisis sometime, if you’re married any length of time. The challenge is to make it work for you, rather than allowing it to destroy you. As Dr Gary Smalley said,

“Crisis is a part of married life, no matter how much we wish it weren’t. Such crisis —for example, health problems, financial trials, struggles with a child —can eat away at the foundation of any marriage. Sadly, more and more these days the result is a couple just going through the motions of married life, or even divorce. It doesn’t have to be that way, however.”

“While crisis are unavoidable, marital collapse is not. By pulling together and continuing to honor each other —especially by leaning on God for wisdom, comfort, strength, and provision —trials can be endured with the relationship in tact. In fact, the marriage can do more than just survive; it can come out of the experience even more solid, secure, and fulfilling than it was before.”

Some 31 years later as we look back on everything that has happened because of my diabetes, we can honestly say that what Satan could have used to use to destroy our marriage has actually made our marriage stronger. How so? We determined early on to grab onto the strength God promised He would give to those who asked for it —and with that strength to support each other through each difficulty… somehow, some way with all the determination we could muster!
For those of you who are living with this challenge (or know a couple who is) we want to provide you with some practical help we found in a Focus on the Family magazine from an article written by Vance Hardisty.
In this article, Vance shares his personal testimony of what helped him and his wife deal with his “physical breakdown.” Here’s the advice he gives:

If your spouse is in the midst of a trial, cling to God and try to understand more of what your partner is feeling. Here are a few things to remember:

• No one, not even you, will fully comprehend what your mate is going through.
• Your spouse may believe his/her time, talents and life are being wasted. They may see no reason, temporal or eternal, for any of the pain.
• God may seem so silent that your spouse will think God has abandoned him/her. He may be convinced that this desert [experience] will never end.

You probably believe some of these things as well. Yet God has incredible plans for you and your spouse. No matter where He calls you, no matter how things look, you can trust Him to take care of both of you. As this aspect of your faith develops and your confidence in your Savior’s love grows, don’t be concerned if your loved one does not immediately share your feelings and can only see the darkness.
How can you strengthen your spouse by showing the love of God in the midst of it all? Here are seven suggestions:
1. Pray without ceasing. Pray for his/her spiritual, emotional and physical healing. Pray that they will trust God, that your marriage will grow stronger and that your children will learn how to handle tough times by watching you. Surround your mate, his/her work, their friends and everything they do with prayer.
2. Listen with your heart. When he/she rails at God, don’t condemn them. When he/she sounds hopeless, encourage him. When he/she needs a sounding board, work with them to discover what God is doing. Always be available. If he/she needs to talk things through over and over, be patient. Some problems have no solutions. Just be willing to listen.
3. Schedule breaks for yourself. Several times a week, make arrangements to get away from the situation. You don’t have to leave for long, but do something you enjoy, meet with friends, or go somewhere— whatever is necessary to recharge yourself. Breaks will give you the strength and patience you need.
4. Absorb God’s Word. When all is dark, feed on the hope found throughout the Word of God. When you are tempted to doubt, the Holy Spirit will guide you. If you immerse yourself in Scripture, your counsel to your hurting mate will be based on the wisdom of God.
5. Find a confidant. Choose someone spiritually mature who will listen, comfort and counsel you. When my wife met periodically with a woman like this and confided in her, my wife was careful never to betray me. She assured me that she never revealed personal details and never criticized me.
Your spouse knows he/she is hard to live with while in his/her desert place, and you certainly could complain about a wealth of things to your friends. Share your problems in general with a friend or two. Don’t reveal your spouse’s weaknesses in a way that negatively portrays them. By not exposing your spouse, you will build the foundation of his/her trust in God and make your marriage rock solid.
6. Seek professional counseling. There may be situations that require professional intervention. Don’t be afraid to seek qualified help for you or your spouse.
7. Know God’s plan for you is good. Isaiah 41:10 says, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.“
Write out verses like this, and put them on your kitchen cupboards and bathroom mirrors. Saturate your mind with their truth.
The desert is God’s tool to prepare you and your mate for the future. Your mission? Grab hold of the truth. Cling to it daily. Uplift your mate. Believe that when the two of you emerge through your trek through the desert, God will have two new leaders ready to fulfill the destiny for which you have been created.

To read the article in its entirety, please go to the Focus on the Family – South Africa web site and read, “Desert Places.” Also, you may find inspiration in reading an article posted on the Internet on the web site for Today’s Christian Woman, titled, Surprised by Redemption.
If you are the “supporting spouse” we want you to know that God is honored by your faithfulness through this difficult trial and that you are a testimony of God’s grace to your children, family and friends.
Keep in mind that, “Love sends a strong, clear message. It says, ‘I’m here for you, you are a major priority, you can count on me. Your happiness and well being are just as important to me as my own.'” (Evelyn and Paul Moschetta)
Or, as it says in 1 Corinthians 13:8: “Love never fails.“