Differing Styles of Communication – Marriage Message

Do you ever feel like you just can’t communicate with each other like you used to before you got married? While dating, you were able to emotionally connect with each other in meaningful and satisfying ways. And yet now, it’s different. Isn’t it puzzling how that can change after marriage?
Part of the reason is because of bio-chemicals that are running through your system when you’re first attracted to someone. Research shows that your brain chemistry changes for a period of time where you experience a state of heightened euphoria. Your likes and dislikes change during that time frame in importance. Eventually, the chemistry changes settle down and differences become more noticeable (often irritating).
That’s the “reality” stage when it becomes important in finding ways to build relationship bridges to bring you together rather than erecting walls that emotionally separate you. You need to work to pro-actively “marry” your differences together in some way.
We talked about one type of communication difference in Marriage Message #204, where one spouse is an “Amplifier” and another is a “Condenser.” But there’s also the verbal style where one spouse is a “Feelings” communicator, and the other has a “Factual” approach. Jack and Carole Mayhall explain some things we all could learn from on that issue written in their book, “Opposites Attack” (which is unfortunately no longer being printed). Here’s a portion of what they write:

“I am beginning to believe that the way most husbands define ‘good communication’ is about as similar to the way most wives define it, as a giraffe is to a hippopotamus. They’re both animals, but the similarity begins and ends there.
“Take a person who is emotional and subjective. Throw in her love for having deep, feeling-type conversations, then add a spouse who is objective, logical and factual —where his primary love language is that of care-giving and protection. Send them out for dinner for 3 hours to talk. They haven’t really talked for some time, so they both start off with empty communication cups. Let’s watch what happens.
“An hour goes by while they catch up on what has been happening at work, with their schedules, with the children, and with their friends. His cup is now 50% full; hers is at the most 5% full. They spend another hour discussing a problem he’s having with a client, considering what they want to do on their next vacation, and evaluating the status of their financial planning. His cup is now up to 80% full and hers is 15%.
“During their third hour they share what they’re learning in Bible study and what they’d like to see happen in the small group they’re part of. The dinner is over, and his cup is 90% full —and hers? It’s maybe 25% full. As they leave the restaurant, he thinks, ‘What a great time of communication we’ve had!’ She’s thinking and feeling, ‘We’ve only just begun! And now we won’t have time to really talk!’ He says, ‘We’ll have to do this again next month.’ She says, ‘How about tomorrow?’
“For you feeling-sharers, I don’t need to spell out what’s happened here. But for you fact-oriented people, let me explain. The wife loved every minute of the 3-hour conversation. But she needed more. To fill her communication cup, part of the 3 hours would need to have been spent sharing the joys, sorrows, frustrations, delights, and wonders of everything from problems at work, to the insights of Bible study, to the concerns for the children.
“She’d also want to explore her responses to each of those joys, sorrows, frustrations, delights, and wonders. And the final portion would be having her husband share his feelings about these issues. Then her cup would be overflowing!
“Here’s a tremendous question for a facts-person to ask a feeling-person: ‘On a scale of 1—10, with 10 being high, how are you feeling at this moment about yourself as a parent, in your job, as a friend, as a child of parents, as a spouse, and in your walk with God?’ Then to put the icing on the cake, share with your spouse how you feel about one or two of the above.
“If you ask any 10 couples to rate their success in communicating, I believe that in 8 or 9 cases the husband would say, ‘We’re doing great. I’d rate us at least an 8 or 9 on a scale of 10.’ And the wife would look embarrassed because she’s rating them a 2. Why? It’s because most women think they haven’t really communicated unless they’ve shared on a feeling level. But most men are satisfied with stating and discussing the facts.
“So how do you come to terms with this great disparity? Slowly, you expect it to take time, maybe even years, because both of you must change. The subjective, feeling-oriented person must deal with, and in many cases change, their expectations.
“We once asked a counselor of engaged couples what was the difficulty he ran into most frequently. Without a moment’s hesitation he replied, ‘Unrealistic expectations.’ Engaged couples aren’t alone in this area. One married couple drove four hours to see us about some difficulties they were having. During the drive, the wife let out all her frustrations, feelings, and thoughts to her husband, who patiently listened and responded.
“As they spoke to us later she said, ‘Oh, if we could just do this every day, we wouldn’t have any problems.’ Her husband rolled his eyes heavenward, and I smiled as I said, ‘Your husband would go crazy if he had to spend four hours every day talking about feelings.’ He nodded emphatically.
“That wife needed to deal with her unrealistic expectations. Rare is the person who can explore deep feelings for several hours a day. There are more who can do it for several hours a week but for most fact-oriented people, several hours a month is more realistic, and those hours would need to be broken into several segments. (For this reason, I’m convinced a feeling-type woman needs a close female friend who is like her to relieve the husband of being the only one with whom she can explore emotions.)
“But while many must face up to their own unrealistic expectations, objective people have to become aware of needs not their own, develop a desire to meet those needs, and pray for the willingness both to listen to the feelings of a spouse and also to express their own emotions.
“This requires unselfishness, for it’s difficult to take the time to probe and listen. But oneness demands it. Sharing just facts is only scratching the surface. The unsatisfied partner may become unhappy and start pushing destructive buttons in order to get attention. [You may find it helpful to read an article written by Gary Sinclair, When Those You Love Push Your Buttons.]
“Both kinds of people need patience. Logical people need patience to listen to things they may not be tuned into. Feeling people need patience for the long process involved as the factual person learns to share emotions.

Again, we are to “marry” our styles in some way —giving and taking, so both spouses experience satisfaction of some type.
We know the above info just scratches the surface, but if you’re having problems communicating with each other, please prayerfully consider it as a starting point. We have a lot of material on this web site that can help you and we lead you to other resources to help you, as well (such as the one below).
Cindy and Steve Wright

— ALSO —

From the Crosswalk.com article, “Opposites Attract and Drive Each Other Nuts” (written by Deborah Raney and Tobi Layton), here are a few discussion questions to talk over as partners. They may help you to draw closer together, rather than letting your differences divide you:

Discussion:
Read Genesis 2:18 and Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 and then discuss:
– In what ways are you and your spouse opposites?
– How did those differences cause you to be attracted to each other? Did marriage change your perspective?
– In what ways do your differences cause conflict between you?
– Have you seen ways that God uses your opposite traits to strengthen you individually? As a couple?

Work with Gender Differences – Marriage Message

  I just read something from a great book titled, How to Change Your Spouse (Without Ruining Your Marriage)” written by H. Norman Wright and Gary Oliver, that would have saved us from SO many misunderstandings! We learned to compromise on the issues discussed in this book but it wasn’t without a lot of tension flowing between us!
We hope by sharing the following ideas with you, maybe it will offset some of your arguments or clear up some things. The part of the book I’m referring to talks about gender differences and approaches to home work projects.
The following are some quotes that maybe you and your spouse have either said, or have heard someone else say. Like, for example: “I’d like her to accept me the way I am. She thinks I’m this endless source of energy. I’m not. I get tired but she thinks I’m lazy.” Or: “I can handle one task in an afternoon but not this endless list. But she just can’t seem to understand that.” You may have even said (or thought): “He’s lazy. Or he doesn’t care about the home projects. He has energy for his puttering around. I’d like a nap Sunday afternoon too, but there’s always work to do.”
Do they sound like familiar complaints in your home? They sure do to us! And we’ve known of plenty of others who have said essentially the same thing!
Author Norman Wright says this about these statements:

“Complaints! I’ve heard them and so have you. Many complaints are tied into not understanding a gender difference called energy. Women do have more energy than men, even though men have more start-up energy. Many women are like the Energizer ad on TV that shows the batteries continuing to run and run and run.
“Men use up their allotment of energy and then need to stop to be recharged. A man goes on a personal retreat by taking a nap, resting, reading, or watching TV. He needs aloneness to recover his energy whereas women are capable of rebuilding energy while carrying on their normal activities.
“The problem of energy or lack of it arises when a man doesn’t know in advance the details of a project his wife wants him to work on. Even though it may be limiting to a woman, a man needs to know what the task is and how long he’s expected to work. Why? He wants to know in advance so he doesn’t run out of energy. No, it’s not an idea concocted by men to get out of work (even though it may seem like it to women).
“A man’s metabolism and fat system is different from a woman’s. Women have a fat reserve that gives them energy; men don’t. A woman’s muscles use energy in a much more efficient manner than a man’s do. Men don’t want what energy they have to be misused.
“A woman may feel restricted by her husband when he says, ‘Here’s the job we need to do. We’ll start here, go to this, stick to this plan, and be done in two hours.’ She asks, ‘Why?’ Being boxed in is an energy drain for her. That’s why many couples have difficulty working together. She may want to take some side excursions and detours and he wants to stay on the main highway. He needs to stay focused to conserve energy and she needs variation for the same reason.
“Women don’t have to be as careful as men in planning the use of energy. A common response from husbands is, ‘Why didn’t you tell me ahead of time?’ A wife may want to talk with her husband while he’s relaxing. That’s energy boosting to her but draining to him.”

Dr Wright goes on to say,

“If Joyce and I are going to rearrange a room, I’d rather figure out in advance where everything goes than shift furniture around several times. Most husbands don’t want their wives to carry on a conversation with them while they’re doing a task. It’s distracting, throws them off-balance, and uses up extra energy. But get several women together to decorate and they enjoy moving something here and there and back and forth.
“It’s helped me to understand that part of my own reluctance to change has to do with energy drain. And if I initiate the change, I’ve figured out the time and energy needed. But if someone else wants it done and is too general about the details and amount of time needed, I don’t know how much energy to set aside and I may be a bit resistant at first. I guess I’m somewhat normal.
“It doesn’t get any better the older we are. Research shows that age sixty, men have only 60% of the physical strength and flexibility they had at age twenty. But women have 90% of the physical strength and flexibility they had at age twenty.
“All it takes for a couple to be able to work well together is to recognize and acknowledge these differences, discuss them, and talk about how they affect their work together. This recognition will help them understand if what they want their partner to change is reasonable and attainable. If not, expectations and desires can be adjusted and a greater level of acceptance attained.”

Wow! That’s so true! Steve and I were discussing this and now realize how we’d learned the hard way to lessen the tension we’ve experienced in the past when we have work projects that need to be accomplished. It’s taken a lot of readjusting in our thinking and expectations of each other. It’s also taken some growth and individual stretching of ourselves for the good of our marriage.
Steve has adjusted his approach to working around the house and yard to work longer —until we’re BOTH done (where before he just stopped working because he was tired). And I have learned to give him more grace and space in getting things done and realize that he’ll probably need more “recovery time” afterwards if he pushes himself more than he normally would.
I’ve learned to pace out the projects with relaxing times and fun times in between (which is healthier for our health AND our marriage). Things might not be as orderly or get done as quickly as I’d like them —but for the sake of our health and marital relationship it’s been worth the compromise!
It’s taken us years to readjust our work styles to approach things as a team (and sometimes we still fall into our old work approaches) but all-in-all the compromises and adjustments we’ve made (and are still learning to make) have brought a LOT more peace into our relationship.
I know the Lord is pleased when we work to consider each other’s needs as more important than our own, after all, isn’t that the example the Lord gave us in how he led His life? The Bible says in Philippians 2:3-4,

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.”

We pray you’ll work to do the same in considering the differences that are gender related and maybe work style related. Not every male or female approaches work like it’s mentioned above. Your work styles may even be reversed. But the point is, whatever your differences are, WORK with them instead of against them.
Look for ways to be a team in whatever situation you have in front of you. You may be working with disabilities or varying abilities and talents or whatever! But don’t let that stop you. Learn to work through the differences as a team so the Lord is glorified. Do all that comes your way as “unto the Lord.”
Our prayers are with you as together we make our marriages the best they can be!

Gleaning Marriage Advice – Marriage Message

Here’s something you may benefit from knowing: Just because you get “advice” from someone, it doesn’t mean it’s advice you should follow. It may sound good, but that doesn’t mean it IS good —at least not for you. We’ve seen and have learned the hard way that many people give marriage counsel that they really shouldn’t. Even WE give advice sometimes that may not work. That’s because well-meaning people, friends, relatives, marriage educators, counselors, and even “experts,” can sometimes give flawed advice. Lets face it, as human beings we are all flawed.
God is the only counselor you can fully trust in the way He guides. He knows you better than anyone else ever could —even better than YOU sometimes. He is all knowing. In Psalm 139, the psalmist said,

“O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord.“

From what we’re told in scripture, you can rest assured that God, who made you, knows best how to guide you to Truth and understanding. As you follow His leading, He can help you build a marriage that is the best it can be, as individuals who work together, with Him and each other.
Advice from any other sources can sometimes be good, but it needs to be prayerfully and carefully considered from every angle. It’s the principle of gleaning, as referred to in the Bible.
You can read in the Bible where harvesters used to gather the best of their crop and leave the scraps for others who were less fortunate to glean through and then use. But in the case of gathering counsel, you’d want to pick the best —what BEST applies to your marriage, and leave the rest behind. The rest may work for others, but that doesn’t mean it’s good for you.
This doesn’t apply to the counsel you receive from scripture, because God’s word is filled with truth. As it says in 2 Timothy 3:16-17: “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.” God’s word equipping us for “every good work,” includes building a good marriage. The principles for living, as outlined throughout the Bible, are also the principles for loving each other in the truest sense. A few of these principles are:

• Make sure you’re faithful in every way to God and to each other. “Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart” (Proverbs 3:3).

• Speak the truth in loving, respectful ways “as unto the Lord.” “Speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of Him who is the head, that is, Christ” (Ephesians 4:15).

 • Be mutually submissive, with Christ as your example. “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 4:21). “Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: who being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness” (Philippians 2:5-6).

 • Whenever you can, inspire peace (especially with your spouse). “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18).

• Allow the fruit of the Spirit to flow through you, which is: “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.” (See: Galatians 5:22-23.)

• Whenever you speak, make sure the way you say it isn’t as obnoxious and irritating as listening to a “clanging cymbal.” “If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal” (1 Corinthians 13:1).

• In the way you relate to each other, don’t be “rude, self-seeking, easily angered,” and remember, you are to “keep no records of wrongs.” (See: 1 Corinthians 13:5).

There are a lot more scriptures and guidance that can help you in marriage. A few links to some of them are:

• BIBLE VERSES THAT CAN BE USED IN A WEDDING

• SCRIPTURES TO BRING YOU CLOSE TOGETHER IN YOUR MARRIAGE

• SCRIPTURE VERSES ON COMMUNICATION

• MONEY AND MARRIAGE SCRIPTURES

• PRAY SCRIPTURES FOR YOUR MARRIAGE – Marriage Message #363

• MARRIAGE TIPS FROM PROVERBS – Marriage Message #360

• MARRIAGE CHECK-UP LIST -With Scriptures

• SCRIPTURES THAT DEAL WITH HAVING SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE

• BATTLING TEMPTATION WITH THE SWORD OF TRUTH

• SCRIPTURES ON ABUSE AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

• SCRIPTURES ON DIVORCE

• BIBLE VERSES ON BITTERNESS AND FORGIVENESS

• SCRIPTURES DEALING WITH SEEKING THE COUNSEL OF OTHERS

• APPLYING THE GLEANING PRINCIPLE TO HUMAN ADVISORS

With God’s principles as your foundation He can further help you build your marriage in a healthy way.
We’re told in the Bible that God is our “Wonderful Counselor.” But there are many scriptures that tell us to also seek the advice of Godly advisors, as well. One of them is found in Proverbs 20:18 where it says, “Make plans by seeking advice; if you wage war, obtain guidance.” While we’re not advising that you wage war with each other, we hope you WILL wage war against that which divides you as a married couple, fighting FOR your marriage (rather than fighting each other).
While fighting for your marriage, you might want to pray what the psalmist did, as told in Psalm 139: “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Ask God to show you anything that is wrong within, that needs confessing and also any contrary spirit that you need to be aware of that might tempt you to filter advice in a self-serving way.
Make sure your hearts are pure, unbiased, and your eyes are focused, looking for truth. And then keep your eyes open to what God brings your way —that which is consistent with God’s Word and will work for your marriage. God didn’t create us, as “cookie cutter” type of people so the advice we obtain from human advisors should also consider our “uniqueness” as a couple.
We hope, when you’re seeking advice from those who can help you that you’ll prayerfully sift through it and use what applies for your lives together and discard the rest. Please don’t hesitate to seek counsel when you need it from those who are godly, who can help you. But also, make sure you draw close to God and listen to Him with your ears and heart attentive to apply the principle of gleaning when it comes to marriage advice from those who counsel you.
We hope this is helpful to your marriage in some way, either now or in the future. Please remember that we have a lot of articles, testimonies, quotes, links to other web sites, and recommended resources posted on our web site, for your use. We also make a Prayer Wall, daily Facebook and Twitter quotes available to help enrich marriages, as well.
And when you do your Amazon.com ordering through the window we provide on the Home Page of the Marriage Missions web site, part of the profit Amazon makes is sent to our ministry to help your marriage and others, as well. It is our continual prayer to always make pro-active marriage resources available to help those who need it. Thanks for your part in making this possible.
May God bless you in your marriage journey with each other and God

Wind Down Time – Marriage Message

What do you do with the situation where a spouse comes home from work exhausted and the other spouse wants to “talk” instead of allowing them to decompress for a while? Let’s say that’s happening to you. And when you tell them you’re tired, they complain that either you don’t love them, or that something’s “wrong” with your love if you don’t want to talk right then and there. They may tell you that they’re tired too but they need to feel connected to you by talking together. This is a common problem for many marriages. Steve and I (Cindy) have been there many times.
What we’ve learned is that both of us have different viewpoints, as far as what is expected when one or both of us comes home. We’ve also learned that we have different needs after being gone (especially when it involves a trip away from home). Many (but not all) women feel a need to connect by talking when we haven’t been with our spouse for a while. After talking we THEN feel we can relax or do other things. Actually, talking is a form of relaxation and unwinding for us.
But many (not all) men feel a need to have time to “space out,” doing mindless things for a while before they feel restored enough to connect in a social way. Talking is the last thing they desire. They don’t see it as a form of relaxing. It takes energy they may not think they have at that time.
But lets face it —some spouses don’t want to make the effort to connect at any point. They either don’t see or understand the need (because their own perspective clouds their understanding), or they’re narcissistic and they just don’t care. We hope your spouse isn’t this last type of person. If he or she is, then you truly need to keep taking it to the Lord in prayer, asking Him to give you insight as to how to make this situation work for you and then doing as God shows you.
A good marriage doesn’t just “happen” without stretching our comfort zones, learning how to serve each other in both small and large ways. After all, why get married in the first place if you just want to live a single-minded life, not making the effort to partner together through life? It takes extra effort on both spouse’s parts to grow together so you don’t grow apart. Steve and I are continually learning how to minister to each other, as life throws curve balls at us. We’ve made it our mission to make the effort to work together, to grow together, and to be supportive, as each of us needs it. I learn from Steve and he learns from me and we both stretch and grow as a result —as marital partners, as individuals, and as Servants of Christ.
We’ve experienced lots of ups and downs, but it’s worth it all. As we serve each other we sense the pleasure of our Heavenly Father’s heart. And that’s the most rewarding part of all!
With that said, we’d like to share something that came to us through the ministry of Gary Smalley (which inspired this subject). His ministry sends out periodic e-magazine messages. The following is one of them, sent to us a while ago. Please prayerfully read this question and answer message and see if the Lord has something in it for your marriage:

Q: “My wife and I are constantly arguing about my ‘wind down’ time. When I get home from work I’m exhausted. I work at a highly stressful job. All I ask for is a little ‘wind down’ time in the evening. She thinks I have a problem with my feelings because I won’t open up and share. I’m TIRED, not depressed or going through a mental breakdown. Not to mention all of the chores I need to get done before the sun goes down. Where’s the balance? What can I do to get my wife to back off?
A: “What if I told you that 20 minutes each night might ease this recurring conflict? My friend, she needs to talk; it’s necessary to her happiness, her security, and even her health.
“Whether you want to talk doesn’t matter. If you love her you will want to meet her deepest needs. Increasing verbal communication is not as painful as men may think. Marriage expert John Gottman says a minimum of twenty minutes a day in true communication with each other decreases a couple’s chances of divorce and greatly increases marital satisfaction. Just twenty minutes a day listening and talking with your mate, understanding each other’s heart, and valuing each other’s words. Who doesn’t have at least that much time?
“I know how we men are. When you come home in the evening, you’ve provided, so you think you’ve done your share. Your wife, however, still needs to spend her word allotment for the day —especially if she’ stayed home all day —so she talks all through dinner. To you the conversation may seem disjointed and unrelated to anything really important. It doesn’t make more money. It doesn’t provide anything, as you understand it.
“Dinner is over and she’s still talking. You wonder why you’re still sitting here. Now she wants to take coffee out to the front porch and continue the conversation. You want to head for the garage and fix the sputtering lawn mower (or watch a little TV to decompress).
“Now stop and think, men. What’s more important to you, the lawn mower, the hobby, cleaning the fishing pole for tomorrow’s trip… or your wife? Remember, you’d die for her, right? ‘Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her‘ Ephesians 5:25. Please give 20 minutes to help strengthen your relationship!”

We’d like to add something else to consider. Talk together as a married team (when it isn’t a H.A.L.T. time —when one or both of you is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired). Decide what time works best for all concerned to have some uninterrupted decompression time. Is it right after work and then you make a point to connect afterward? Or do you have connection time together right away and then have a little alone time later? Just try to include both, when it’s needed and it’s possible, in a way that best works for the dynamics of your marriage relationship.
At some point, if there are children, it would be great to give each other some time with the kids and without (if it’s possible). The spouse (who has been away) takes the kids alone at some point to connect with them. You can then join together as a family. This gives the other spouse some uninterrupted time also. This way both spouses have time to themselves, time with the kids, as well as time together. It’s called working together as a team. A good marriage is one where both learn the art of negotiating and compromising —finding ways to meet everyone’s needs. (We hope you have a spouse who will partner with you, to make this possible.) It may be a struggle to get through issues like this, but it’s worth it in the end as you make the effort.
Remember, you’re both supposed to work together for the betterment of your marriage, yourselves as individuals, and also for the kingdom of God. As your marriage grows healthy, and reflects the love of God, others will more naturally want to know your “secret.” They may then want to know your God better. If your marriage is a loving one, it’s a living testimony of the possibilities of what God can do for them also, as they too unite with Him!

Grieving Differently – Marriage Message

“We’re SO Different!” We’ve said this so many times but it bears repeating. We’re SO different! When you marry you’re commissioned by God, at that point, to take your individual ways of looking at and approaching life and work for the rest of your lives together to blend those differences for your good and also for the good of God’s kingdom, bringing glory of God.
One area of difference, which you may need to work on, is to give each other grace and space when grieving the loss of someone or something dear to you. Through the years Steve and I have discovered how very differently we approach grief. In this area of life, as in others, different isn’t bad —it’s just different. For years we’ve been learning how to accept our own “styles” of grieving —trying not to judge or put too much pressure on the other to do things our way.
Upon the death of Steve’s dear father, this again became a reality in our lives and the Lord made us aware that there are a lot of you who may never have thought of this aspect of marriage (or you may know someone struggling with this issue and you want to help them).
One thing we’ve learned is: just because one of us cries and grieves more openly and just because the other is quieter and withdraws more during this time, it doesn’t mean that one or the other of us is wrong. It simply means that we find comfort in handling grief in different ways and time frames. It’s unfair to judge our partner’s way of grieving as being wrong just because it’s not the same as ours and we don’t understand it.
As long as our partner is working through their grief in a way that isn’t unhealthy and they aren’t trying to push us permanently out of their lives or bury the truth of the situation so it eventually unearths itself later in a hurtful way, we need to give our spouse the grace to handle this process in their way. But we also have a right to ask them to help us (to the degree that they’re able) with our grief and specifically and kindly tell them what we need from them during this time. That’s part of what partnership in marriage is all about.
A good example of how couples can vary in their ways of grieving comes from a book titled, “A Gift of Mourning Glories” where the author Georgia Shaffer says this:

“When 17 year old, Nate Heavilin was killed by a drunk driver. His mother, Marilyn, wrote that her marriage was severely tested before she and her husband understood that they were grieving differently. Marilyn’s Melancholy/Choleric personality wanted to make everything right and have control, even if it meant fighting for it. Glen, a Phlegmatic, yearned for peace and hated the conflicts brought on by the insurance company and manslaughter trial. ‘Glen didn’t look like a peacemaker to me anymore,’ Marilyn says. ‘He looked like Mr. Milk Toast. I wanted him to protect me from the cold, cruel world and make people be nice to me. Instead, he kept telling me I should be patient.”

When Marilyn realized that each personality has distinctive goals, she said,

“Glen wasn’t responding differently from me just to buck me, and he wasn’t necessarily saying I was wrong. We simply were looking at the world through different eyes.”

Different ways of looking at things and our personality tendencies, sometimes brings us to the place where we react dissimilar to each other even though we’re dealing with the same situation. So it’s important to make the time to talk together about what’s bothering us to try to build bridges of understanding so the problems don’t gnaw away at our relationship. If, after we talk about the situation, we still aren’t able to see things from our partner’s point of view, it’s important to agree to disagree and give each other unconditional love and acceptance despite our differences. We may never see things eye-to-eye, but we can accept each other with our hearts.
Something David Keirsey and Marilyn Bates wrote in their book, “Please Understand Me” might be helpful in this case. They wrote:

“If I do not want what you want,
please try not to tell me that my want is wrong.
Or if I believe other than you,
at least pause before you correct my view.
Or if my emotion is less than yours, or more,
given the same circumstances,
try not to ask me to feel more strongly or weakly.

“… I do not, for the moment at least,
ask you to understand me.
That will come only when you are willing
to give up changing me into a copy of you.

“… If you will allow me any of my own wants,
or emotions, or beliefs, or actions
then you open yourself, so that some day
these ways of mine might not seem so wrong,
and might finally appear to you as right —for me.

“To put up with me is the first step to understanding me.
Not that you embrace my ways as right for you,
but that you are no longer irritated
or disappointed with me for my seeming waywardness.

“And in understanding me
you might come to prize my differences from you,
and, far from seeking to change me,
preserve and even nurture those differences.”

You may never understand each other’s ways in handling grief, but that doesn’t make them (or you) a defective human being —just different! And different isn’t wrong —it’s just different!
We pray that if you’re grieving for some reason today you’re able to receive comfort from God and your spouse and those around you to help ease some of your pain.
We also hope that you’ll be aware that during times of grief you need to be “on the alert” as the Bible talks about in 1 Peter 5 because the enemy of our faith knows our emotions are vulnerable. These are times where we look for comfort wherever we can and some avenues of comfort might bring us more problems of a different kind in the future. An example of this might be that if our spouse isn’t comforting us in a way we think we need, we could be more vulnerable to falling into the sinful trap of emotionally entangling our hearts (and eventually our bodies) with someone else even though we never “meant for it to happen.” This could also be true of falling into substance abuse to “ease” the pain. This is another trap set before us.
Please let this be a warning to you to flee, as the Bible tells us that Joseph did, from any situation that could lead you to compromise your values and God’s values. Set boundaries up for yourself BEFORE a situation occurs so you’re alert and prepared to dodge the dangers ahead. Don’t allow your emotions to take you to a place you’ll eventually regret. Guard your heart and your actions.
Keep in mind that God said in the Bible that “it is not good for man to be alone.” This came even though God was with man at the time. So look for healthy ways to be with God, your spouse, and others to help you work through your grief. If your spouse or others just aren’t there for you, lean more heavily upon God to lead you through this time. God’s shoulders are big. And as the Bible says, “He cares for you.” He may be quiet in the way He is there with you, but you can count on the fact that as the Bible says, He “will never leave or forsake you.”
God Bless.

Unaware of a Spiritual Battle – Marriage Message

Do you realize that there is a spiritual battle going on to try to defeat your marriage? It may be difficult to see, but that doesn’t make it any less real. It’s important to be aware of it!
I recently read something about the ancient sport of falconry (in the devotional “Our Daily Bread”), which reminded me of this issue. While hunting wild game, men often use(d) trained hawks and falcons. However, as Mart De Haan explained:

“When the ‘educated predator’ was allowed to fly, it often rose too high for human eyes to see. So a hunter often carried a small caged bird called a shrike. By watching the antics of the little bird, the man could always tell where his hawk was, for the shrike instinctively feared the predator and cocked its head to keep it in view.”

He went on to say,

“Christians desperately need an alert perception similar to that of the shrike to detect their spiritual enemy. Our adversary ‘walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour‘ (1 Peter 5:8). Our responsibility is to be sober and vigilant. In other words, we are to be always on the alert.”

Then Mart posed these thoughts:

“It would be nice if God had giant sirens to warn us of an attack by the devil. But He doesn’t operate that way. Instead, we must read the Bible regularly, meditate on its truths, maintain a prayerful attitude throughout the day, and be filled with the Holy Spirit.”

I thought about how this applies to marriage. When someone writes us, we often can see evil at work to cloud his or her vision of the reality of what’s really going on and the implications that can occur if they don’t wake up. Repeatedly, we’ve wanted to sound an alarm that screams, “Open your eyes, you’re falling into the deceptions of the enemy of our faith.”
We do our best to warn people through these Marriage Messages and all we have posted on our web site but it just doesn’t seem to be enough. So for the rest of this message we’d like to share something more, hoping it will serve as a wake-up call for those who need it. In your marital relationship please recognize that:
The enemy of our faith works in subtle ways within marriages to get us to grab onto false beliefs (LIES) to destroy our relationships. Are you falling into any of the following traps?

• Couples, who are marrying, are led to believe that their love is so “unique” they won’t have the same struggles others experience. When problems arise, confusion and disillusionment follows.

•  The false message is promoted that “love should come naturally” so those who struggle in their marriages believe something is wrong if they have to put extra effort into making it work. Falling in love is heavily emphasized, yet doing what it takes to STAY in love is too often neglected.

•  When love is new, couples grab onto the false idealism that their “love will conquer all.” They don’t realize that God’s love and His Word applied in their relationship is TRULY what is needed.

•  The idea is promoted that Christians “shouldn’t have problems.” For that reason many couples are embarrassed to admit it when problems arise, and then they hesitate to reach out for help. When they do it’s often “too late” by the world’s standards to save their marriage.

•  Many couples become busy in doing so many “good” and “necessary” things that their priority to nurture their relationship is overlooked. A great number of spouses fall into the false idea, that they can neglect the needs of their mate and he or she will “be fine” or “just understand” (even though those who are considering marriage are told differently in God’s word in 1 Corinthians 7).

•  The “world’s” ideas of marital love are being pushed to the extent that spouses are adopting them as a type of compass for guiding their thoughts and actions —neglecting God’s way of living with and loving each other (as told throughout the Bible).

•  During conflict, the enemy of our faith works to divide couples so they get so single-mindedly involved, that they fight as if HE or SHE is the “enemy.” Sadly, this tactic works. The need to listen to and pray with each other, extend love, grace, and forgiveness is too often neglected.

•  In this world, it’s not difficult to fall into the trap of continually focusing on the other spouse’s “faults.” Any positive qualities and actions can be overshadowed and not noticed, as a result.

•  When things get tough and temptations reach their peak, how quickly and readily spouses can be led to forget and abandon what they vowed to each other and God on their wedding day.

•  Some spouse’s buy into the lie that “one time” won’t hurt, even though it does. Some spouses also rationalize the lie that because he or she is hurting so badly, solutions to cheat and do that which they shouldn’t is acceptable. Wrong! Cheating is never right, no matter what the excuse.

•  The idea is being fed to people that “God wouldn’t want them to be unhappy.” He or she then feels entitled to leave the marriage for the sake of his/her happiness (which is unbiblical).

•  People are led to believe that if he or she doesn’t “feel” love for his or her spouse at this time, that’s the way it will always be “from this day forward” (which research shows to be untrue). God, whose very name means LOVE can teach willing partners how to truly love one another.

•  Many spouses are so caught up in their own relationship problems they neglect seeing that their children are witnessing the way they interact with each other. From this vantage point, with added lies from the enemy of our faith, children then “learn” how to mistreat their own spouses.

•  The lie is promoted that forgiveness is for fools. This causes spouses to forget the grace of God and to neglect God’s Biblical message to “forgive others as God has forgiven you.“

•  The truth is not emphasized that marriage is a living picture of Christ’s love for the church. How we show love to each other can impact a world of people (including our children) that desperately need to see God’s TRUE LOVE lived up front and real, within Christian marriages.

We hope that if you recognize any of these falsehoods being held onto in your own marriage, you will get on your knees together (if possible) and pray that God will help you to “renew a right spirit within you.” God cares very much about your marriage. (And so do we!)
Please know that our love and prayers are with you,

The Union of Two Lives – Marriage Message

On March 18th, 2015, we celebrated our 42nd wedding anniversary. We know we have MUCH to be thankful for. Not everyone makes it to this remarkable year of marriage and can testify to love each other more today than ever before. To that, Steve and I both say, “I do.”
I have to say though, that it has been a rocky road at different times in our marriage. Even now we can’t just sit back and say, “We made it!” because we’re still two very different individuals that can spoil the love we have if we don’t keep working on our relationship. We’ve known of couples married longer than us that have slid downhill into divorce because they stopped making the effort to grow their relationship together. All we can say is how sad, not to finish well.
As I reflect on the many years we’ve had together, I’m reminded of something Michele Weiner Davis wrote titled, “The Marriage Map.” In this article Michele points out the various stages of marriage, which most couples visit for varying lengths of time. Stage One is the beginning point where you’re (usually) “head over heels in love” with each other. Stage Two is where you begin to wonder, “What was I thinking (in marrying this person)?” —an unsettling stage indeed!
Stage Three is where you begin saying to each other, “Everything would be great if YOU changed!” Stage Four is where you start to realize “that’s just the way he/she is.” It’s where it’s possible to reconnect and accept your differences more readily. And then Stage Five (if you both persevere this far) is the point you’re able to say (like us), “Together At Last!”
Hopefully, prayerfully, you will arrive at this stage. Here’s what Michele says about the Fifth Stage of marriage that might inspire you through the tough times. She writes:

“It’s really a tragedy that half of all couples who wed never get to Stage Five, when the pain and hard work of the earlier stages begins to pay off. Since you’re no longer in a struggle to define who you are and what the marriage should be, there can be more peace and harmony. Even though you’ve always loved your spouse, you start to notice how much you really like him or her again.
“And then the strangest thing starts to happen. …You’re pleased to discover that the qualities you saw in your partner so very long ago never really vanished. They were just camouflaged. This renews your feelings of connection.
“By the time you reach stage five, you have a shared history. And although you’d both agree that marriage hasn’t been easy, you can feel proud that you’ve weathered the storms. You look back and feel good about your accomplishments as a couple. You feel more secure about yourself as a person and you begin to better appreciate the differences between you and your spouse. And what you don’t appreciate, you can better accept. You feel closer and more connected.
“If you have children, they’re older and more independent, allowing you to focus on your marriage again, like in the old days. And you start having ‘old day feelings’ again. You’ve come full circle. The feeling you were longing for during those stormy periods is back, at last. You’re home again.”

As I think about this stage of life and of marriage, I wish everyone could get to this place because it’s so satisfying and wonderful. I know that not everyone can do that.
Some spouses, despite their most valiant efforts, are never given the opportunity to build a good marriage because of the destructive choices their “partner” makes to go in another direction. To those who have been and are in this place, we want to express our deepest sorrow. We’re so sorry your spouse (at this point in time) hasn’t participated in doing what it takes to make your marriage good. We pray the Lord comforts, strengthens, and helps you in every way you need it.
In other marriages, one spouse is able to hold things together for a season of time. Eventually, as a result of prayerful and faithful living and loving, the other spouse finally comes around to make healthier choices and participates in making the marriage a good one, with joint effort. They then can realize the benefits of living in that fifth stage of marriage. (It’s not a perfect stage but it’s still very, very good.) To those who are able to get to this place we celebrate together! Yeah God!
In the concluding thoughts of this Marriage Message we want to pass along to you something that was written for a wedding ceremony. We love the message and hope it’s something this couple will remember and live out for the rest of their lives together. We also pray God uses it to speak to ALL of our hearts. We just know that God has a very special message in it just for you! Please read the following and ask the Lord what He wants you to apply to your marriage:

A Sacred Union

“Marriage is a mystery. An old Rabbinic writing says that, ‘The man is restless while he misses the rib that was taken from his side, and the woman is restless until she gets under the man’s arm from whence she came.’
“Sometimes it is said that when two people marry they become one, but the question becomes, which one? The answer is ‘neither one.’ Marriage is God’s mathematical miracle where one plus one is still one.
“Marriage is a bond, which blends and binds two together into one. Each receives what the other is. It is the fusion of two hearts, the union of two lives, the coming together of two tributaries, which after being joined in marriage, will flow in the same channel in the same direction, carrying the same burdens of responsibilities and obligations. It is a one-flesh union.
“But the selfishness of our hearts sometimes blinds us to God’s beautiful plan of marriage. As husband and wife, we must remember the words of Saint Paul in his letter to the Philippians, ‘With humility of mind, let each of you regard one another as more important than himself.’
“The prayer of St. Francis also gives valuable direction:

“Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love, where there is injury, pardon; where there is discord, union; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy.

“Lord grant that we seek not to be consoled, but to console, not to be understood, but to understand, not to be loved, but to love. For it is in giving that we received, in forgetting that we find ourselves, and in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen.”

May it be so in your marriage and in ours “from this day forward.”

Love Accepts Many Imperfections – Marriage Message

Is there some small habit your spouse does that really irritates you? And then to make matters worse when you tell them how much it bothers you, they still do it? It can really be frustrating sometimes to live with someone under those conditions!

Well, if you find yourself in that kind of situation, here’s something Dr Gary Chapman wrote that might help you in some way. It’s from his book The Marriage You’ve Always Wanted (an updated version of his book, Toward a Growing Marriage). Gary writes:

“1 Peter 4:8 reads, ‘Love covers a multitude of sins” (NASB). If I could paraphrase the verse, I would say, ‘Love accepts many imperfections.’ Love does not demand perfection from one’s mate. There are some things that your mate either cannot or will not change. These I am calling imperfections. They may not be moral in nature but are simply things that you do not like. May I illustrate from my own marriage?

“We had been married several years before I realized that my wife was a ‘drawer opener,’ but not a ‘drawer closer.’ I do not know if I had been blinded to that fact the first three or four years or if it was a new behavior pattern for her, but at any rate it irritated me greatly.

“I did what I thought was the ‘adult’ thing to do. I confronted her with my displeasure in the matter and asked for change. The next week, I observed carefully each time I entered our apartment, but to my dismay there was no change. Each time I saw an open drawer, I fumed. Sometimes I exploded. My basic pattern was to vacillate between days of verbal explosion and days of quiet smoldering, but all the while I was furious.

“After a couple of months, I decided to use my educational expertise. I would give her a visual demonstration, along with my lecture. I went home and took everything out of the top bathroom drawer, removed the drawer, and showed her the little wheel on the bottom and how it fit into the track, and explained what a marvelous invention that was. This time, I knew that she understood how the drawer worked and how serious I was about the matter.

“The next week, I eagerly anticipated change. But no change came! For several weeks I seethed inside every time I saw an open drawer.

“Then one day, I came home to discover that our eighteen month old daughter had fallen and cut the corner of her eye on the edge of an open drawer. Karolyn had taken her to the hospital. There she had gone through the ordeal of watching the surgeon stitch up that open wound and wondering if it would leave a scar or impair vision.

“She told me the whole story, and I contained my emotions while I listened. I was proud of myself. I did not even mention the open drawer, but on the inside I was saying, I bet she’ll close those drawers now! I knew this would be the clincher. She had to change now! But she did not.

“After another week, the thought crossed my mind, ‘I don’t believe she will ever change!’ I sat down to analyze my alternatives. I wrote them down: (1) I could leave her! (2) I could be miserable every time I looked at an open drawer from now until the time I die or she dies, or (3) I could accept her as a ‘drawer opener’ and take for myself the task of closing drawers.

“As I analyzed these alternatives, I ruled out number one right away. As I looked at number two, I realized that if I were going to be miserable every time I saw an open drawer from now until I die, I would spend a great deal of my life in misery. I reasoned that the best of my alternatives was number three: accept this as one of her imperfections.

“I made my decision and went home to announce it. ‘Karolyn,’ I said, ‘you know the thing about the drawers?’ ‘Gary, please don’t bring that up again,’ she replied. ‘No,’ I said, ‘I have the answer. From now on, you don’t have to worry about it. You don’t ever have to close another drawer. I’m going to accept that as one of my jobs. Our drawer problem is over!’

“From that day to this, open drawers have never bothered me. I feel no emotion, no hostility. I simply close them. That is my job. When I get home tonight, I can guarantee the open drawers will be waiting for me. I shall close them, and all will be well.

“What am I suggesting by this illustration? That in marriage you will discover things that you do not like about your mate. It may be the way he hangs towels, squeezes toothpaste, or installs the toilet paper.

“The first course of action is to request change. (If you can change, why not do so? It’s a small matter to make your partner happy.) However, I can assure you that there are some things that your mate either cannot or will not change. This is the point at which ‘love accepts many imperfections.’ You decide where the point of acceptance will come.

“Some of you have had running battles for 20 years over things as simple as open drawers. Could this be the time to call a cease-fire and make a list of things that you will accept as imperfections? I do not want to discourage you, but your mate will never be perfect. He or she will never do everything that you desire. Your best alternative is the acceptance of love!”

We all need to remember there was only One who was and is perfect. The rest of us need grace, forgiveness and understanding. We can assure you that whatever “imperfection” your spouse has that irritates you today won’t matter much in eternity. (Please know that we’re not talking about abusive or adulterous behavior here, but rather irritations. We have other topics offered on this web site that explore those dangerous issues better than we will be able to do in this Marriage Message.)

We can also assure you that you have “imperfections” that irritates your spouse, as well. It’s just the nature of living together as husband and wife. Try to work together on irritating each other the least that is possible (to the best of your ability and to the degree that your spouse will join you), and release that which you can’t seem to change (to some degree or the other). It will drive you crazy, otherwise.

In our almost 41 years of marriage, we sure have dealt with (and are dealing with) many irritations and “imperfections” we see in each other. But we also work hard NOT to let them drive us crazy. It’s just not worth the problems it can cause in our relationship. It’s a matter of knowing when to make a point, which will help in some way, and when to drop it, because all it will do is heap additional problems onto the matter.

Lord, please help us to be dispensers of grace, rather than vessels of criticism —holding onto that which won’t matter 100 years from now. Help us to know when we are to “speak the truth in love” and when we just need to release it and let you work within the situation, and within us, as your children. And may we never lose sight of what is truly important as it pertains to Your kingdom work both outside of our home and within, and the ways in which we should participate.

Marriage-Minded Schedules – Pt 2 – Marriage Message

Are you too busy to be married? Most of us would answer “no” to that. But let’s rephrase the question: Would your spouse say you act like you’re too busy to be involved in your marriage? Would he or she say that you treat your marital relationship as if it’s unimportant to you?
You see, you can be a busy person with a lot of other people and things pulling for your attention, but even so, your spouse can tell if they’re really a priority in your life. I know this to be true because my husband Steve and I are very busy people. We can’t spend as much time focusing our undivided attention on each other as we’d like, but still in the back of our minds we KNOW that our marriage is a priority to the other.
We know that below our love for God, comes our love and devotion for each other. If either of us truly needed the other, we’d find a way to shove things aside to tend to those needs. We’re determined not too busy to find a way to have a good marriage!
Let me ask you another question: when you were engaged to be married, if someone would have asked you if you were too busy to make your future spouse a priority, what would you have said? The answer probably would have been, “no” (otherwise, you probably wouldn’t have married in the first place). And why would that have been your answer? It’s probably because in the newness of your love you were intentional in making your future spouse a priority. You decided that you wouldn’t be too busy to find ways to be with him or her.
Then what happened? For those of you whose spouse would say that you act like you’re too busy to be involved in your marriage —what happened? LIFE happened! Everyday events, people and things, which compete for our attention, have a way of shoving us away from each other. In our attempt to build a life together, we allow everything and everyone else to become more of a priority to us than our marriage. Our intentionality to make our spouse a priority becomes a dream of the past and we forget what’s really supposed to be most important to us.
When LIFE happens, too often our good intentions become a thing of the past, stealing our time away from the spouse we once promised to love and cherish for the rest of our lives —and yet we allow it. Instead of giving our spouse the best of us, we spend almost all of our energy and time giving elsewhere, and our spouse gets the “left-over’s” (if there is anything left over to give).
So then the question comes to mind, but “how can I change that? I HAVE to work, the children have needs, and there are so many good and also pressing things to do —there’s no more time to give!” After-all, there are only so many hours in the day!
Let me challenge you with something author Andy Stanley wrote in his book, When Work and Family Collide: Keeping Your Job from Cheating Your Family (Multnomah Publishers). He wrote,

“When you consider the limited number of hours in a day, there’s no way you can reach your full potential in all those areas. There’s just not enough time. Your situation isn’t that different from mine. If you stayed at work until everything was finished —if you took advantage of every opportunity that came your way —if you sought out every angle to maximize your abilities, improve your skills, and advance your career, you would never go home.
“Likewise, if you stayed at home until every ounce of affection was poured out in all the appropriate places —if you kept giving until every emotional need was met —if you did every chore, finished the “honey do” list, and did everything necessary to ensure that everyone felt loved, you would never make it to work.
“In fact, if you are a parent, you know that your children alone could command every waking hour if you let them. Add to that your fitness goals, hobbies, and friendships. The list is endless and so are the time requirements.
“So let me take some pressure off you. Your problem is not discipline. Your problem is not organization. Your problem is not that you have yet to stumble onto the perfect schedule. And your problem is [probably] not that the folks at home demand too much of your time. The problem is there is not enough time to get everything done that you are convinced —or others have convinced you —needs to get done.
“As a result, someone or something is not going to get what they want from you —what they need from you —what they deserve from you —certainly not what they expect from you. There is no way around it. There is just not enough time in your day to be all things to all people. You are going to have to [choose] somewhere.

And that’s what it comes down to! We’re all given 24 hours in a day. We all have choices to make in how we spend those 24 hours each day. Some of us have more choices and pressing demands than others, but it still comes down to choosing the best. As author Dennis Rainey says,

“One reason for so much stress today is that we want too many of the good choices. But the Christian couple should want only God’s BEST choices. To make the best choices, you need to be controlled by His Spirit and not the spirit of the age in which you live.”

Jesus commended his follower Mary because she chose “the best” in how she spent her time at that moment in history. What about you? Are you choosing “the best” in how you spend your time so that your marriage isn’t neglected? Because your marriage is a picture of Christ’s love for the church, don’t you think God would consider it worth spending what you can to give it your best?
If you think your spouse would say, “You act like you’re too busy to be involved in our marriage” we hope you’ll sit down with the Lord and sincerely listen to what He has to tell you on this. Then sit down with your spouse; lay everything out before the both of you, and prayerfully consider where you can cut back —making even little changes for the betterment of your relationship.
We know that there are “seasons of busyness” and demanding jobs and ministries but you and your spouse need to be united in agreement with all of this. Don’t spend all of the best of yourself outside of your marriage —find some way to reserve some of the best for them.
Sometimes you have to stop the flowing river of life from over-taking your married lives and decide how you can change your course when you’re headed in a wrong direction. If you and your spouse disagree about the priority of where you’re spending your time and the “best” of yourself, then NOW is the time to decide how, with the Lord’s help, you can change courses so your marital relationship is strengthened.
For some of you, this is a definite wake up call! Do what you can to change what you can, while you still can… one step at a time as you ask God show you how.

Schedules: Be Marriage-Minded

What do you do if have a spouse who is a good person, but spends so much time with everyone and everything else, that you feel neglected? How can you, as a spouse, demand more time from this “good-hearted person” when he or she really doesn’t have much more time to give? For the next few weeks we’d like to focus on this topic in our Marriage Messages.
When you’re married to someone who is kind, and generous in so many ways it’s difficult to think about complaining —and yet YOU also have needs. For one thing, you’re lonely for your spouse’s companionship. You wish you weren’t, but the truth is that you are. One of the reasons you married him or her in the first place is to spend more time together, so it’s only natural that you’d feel that way. And yet you don’t want to pull your spouse away from the wonderful things he/she is doing to help others. You feel guilty in asking your spouse for more time. That’s especially true when it comes to things he/she does for the cause of Christ (ministry).
That is a dilemma that has been battled in homes for centuries and truly, there’s no easy answer. It’s certainly one we, personally, battle with in our home because of the demands of the ministry of Marriage Missions and other great causes, in which we’re involved. So we don’t have a sure-fire answer, but we’ve learned a few things along the way that might help you in some way with this dilemma.
The first thing to consider is the priorities you agreed to when you married each other. When you read 1 Corinthians 7 you will see where the Apostle Paul warns those who marry that they’ll “face many troubles in this life” just because they’re married. He warns them that their time will now be divided —more than if they were single. In 1 Corinthians 7:33-35 it says,

“But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world —how can he please his wife —and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world —how can she please her husband?“

As Paul says, “I want to spare you this.”
It’s not that remaining single is the only way in which we can be involved in ministry, but we need to realize that once we marry, we are to consider our partner in all we do. We don’t have as much “undivided” time available. We’re now a “cord of three strands” with the Lord included. Our time and attention is stretched thinner than it was before. That is a reality.
If our partner’s needs are being neglected in some way and he or she isn’t in full agreement to make the sacrifice, then we need to re-evaluate how we’re spending our time. It’s important to ask the Lord to show us how to do this so our marriages truly reflect the love of God in every way. After all, our marriages are to be a reflection of Christ’s love for the church! Does Christ neglect the church? Didn’t He put aside His own time to show His love for her by dying to self and giving His life and time for her good and betterment? This is a living example we are to follow.
Steve and I (Cindy) lead very busy lives. We can’t spend as much time together as we would like because of it. But we work to make sure that the other doesn’t just get the “left-overs” of our time, energies, and resources. We find ways to reserve enough of our time, strength, and resources to give the best of ourselves to each other  —all other scheduling possibilities are secondary.
We’ve learned that just because we CAN do something, it doesn’t mean we SHOULD do it. God has not called us to do EVERYTHING. Even Jesus didn’t heal everyone in the world. He also found time to do other things. We need to learn what He has called us to do and what He hasn’t —when to work, when to rest, and when to play. When we marry, this is especially true.
When you marry you take on the responsibility to change your mind-set so you consider God AND your spouse in every way you conduct your life. The problem comes when we marry and we don’t change the way we think about how we conduct our days. We bring “single-mindedness” into the wedding, and leave with the same mind-set even though we’ve vowed to become united.
Many of us have even gone trough the tradition of the wedding ceremony of lighting the Unity candle with our individual candles, blowing out our single candles as a symbol of “becoming one” because we are now married. And yet we leave the church after the ceremony and some how forget to change some very important things —one of them is: how we spend our time.
At first, we may go through the motions of changing our schedules to include each other. But eventually life settles in and everyday living “crowds” us away from each other. We settle back into the mind-set of conducting our lives as two single people out to conquer whatever comes our way. We see all that needs to be done and think our spouse will “naturally” understand why we’ve allowed him or her to be crowded out of our schedule.
But often this isn’t the case. Our spouse has needs for companionship. And even if he or she is understanding at first, is it a sustainable way to live out our married lives together? When we neglect our spouse’s need for companionship, isn’t it leaving the door open for temptation to take root when there’s someone else who is willing to pay more attention to the lonely spouse’s needs? Also, is this how God would really want is to live our lives together —as two married people living in a “single-minded” manner for years at a stretch or a lifetime?
It’s like what Dr. Steve Stephens said (in his book, Marriage…Experiencing the Best),

“It’s a sad state of affairs when we take better care of our cars and houses than we do our marriages. We change the oil, fill the tank, check the tires, and periodically tune up our cars. We change light bulbs, wash windows, paint walls, unplug toilets, and re-roof our houses, but what do we do to maintain our marriage? The truth is —more damage is done than repairs are made. Just how important is your marriage? Is it more important to you than your car or your home? Are you willing to put the time and energy and whatever else it takes to prove to your partner how valuable the relationship truly is to you?”

In all of this, please think about something Jason Krafsky wrote (in his pre-marriage workbook, “Before I Do“):

“Marriage is a living advertisement for God. When a couple engages in the act of marriage, they display God. How couples handle life’s ups and downs presents a side of God’s nature to the world. How a couple communicates, argues, and resolves conflict gives people a greater sense of who God is. By uniting both parts of humanity, marriage helps people grasp God better, see God more clearly, know God more deeply, and live for God more intently. Every married couple is an advertisement for God. Ultimately, it is up to each married couple to decide how persuasive their public notice for God will be.”

But of course, you need to spend time together to be able to be a “living advertisement” —at least one that draws others TO God.
Please prayerfully consider what we’ve just written (plus we have a bit more on our web site when you look at the additional prompts at the end of this message). In the next Marriage Message we’ll revisit this subject a little bit further addressing how to get the important things done in our lives that need our attention and still reserve time for each other. The information may not be exhaustive, but hopefully we’ll share at least some insights that may help you in this mission

Loving Extravagantly – Marriage Message

You might think by the title of this message that showing your love to each other extravagantly would involve spending a lot of money on each other —that it would involve taking an expensive vacation or buying expensive gifts for each other. Although loving extravagantly COULD involve those things, we’re talking about something different.
What we’re talking about is showing your love to your spouse in lavish, yet simple ways. Being married is not about just functionally living together, but spending more of yourself in little ways, which expands and grows your relationship (as you once did) with him or her.
Too often when we marry we start to take each other for granted. We don’t even realize it’s happening because the whole process creeps in subtly. The problem is, we become so familiar with each other, day in and day out, that we gradually forget to do things for each other, which will KEEP the “spark” in our relationship. This can lead to marriage problems.
After a while, we start expecting things to be done, abandoning common courtesies. Eventually our partner can feel no more appreciated than a piece of functional furniture. Is that what you intended when you got married? And do you think this is what God intends for us, in the way we live out our commitment to “love, honor, and cherish?”
We want to make the point that “even if we have an unbending commitment to our mate, most of us are blind to how we lose our marriages by slow erosion if we don’t keep replenishing the soil in which we are planted” (William Doherty). We need to be aware of the importance of continuing to show our spouse that they’re appreciated no matter how long we’ve been married. (The reverse is true for many of you too, in how your spouse should lavish love on you… but we can’t MAKE our spouse do his or her part. However, we ARE responsible for ours.)
Finding ways to show love to our spouse extravagantly is important to the health of our marriages and is also Christ-like. In Ephesians 5:1 (in The Message), we’re told, “Observe how Christ loved us. His love is not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.” Are you showing your spouse love in this way?
That is our challenge to you. Think about it. What if you started dating your spouse again? How wonderful would it be to get the sparkle back in his or her eye (as well as yours) like before you married? Part of the reason that happened is because you put the effort and time into romancing each other.
Now is the time to do it again. You fell in love with each other by romancing this person —doesn’t it make sense that by making him or her a priority in your life again you could possibly re-spark the romance? THAT would be an example of loving each other extravagantly!
What about bringing back the days where you show common courtesies and politeness to each other? Just because you live together it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be polite, even for the little things —like you did before you married.
Are you courteous with strangers? Why should you be less so with the person you claim to love above every other human being —your spouse? How extravagant and yet sensible would that be? After-all, your spouse didn’t outgrow the need to be appreciated or want any less to be thought of as important in your eyes and priorities. Could you be forgetting that?
Hopefully this is a wake-up call for those of you that need it. Don’t let strangers treat your spouse with more courtesy and appreciation than you do. If you do —it might eventually lead to either a “dead” marriage or at best, a lethargic, tired one! And is that what God calls us to have? The answer is a certain “NO”!
You certainly don’t want to be accused of having a marriage lived out like it says in Philippians 2:21, “Everyone looks out for his own interests, not those of Jesus Christ.” Our marriages should so reflect the love of God that when others see how we treat each other they may want to know our “secret” because they’ll want a marriage as healthy as ours. When you tell them that it’s because of the love of God, it very well may spur them on to want to know our God more. How much that would delight the heart of God!
So we challenge you to:

• Be intentional in showing your love for your spouse with spontaneous, random acts of romance! This may be difficult if you have children because they can take up a lot of energy and time. But ask the Lord to show you how and when you can do this. (That’s what we learned to do.) By being alert in looking for opportunities, it CAN happen. It’s amazing how it works that way. (Please know we have suggestions on our web site in the Children’s Effects on Marriage and Romantic Ideas topics, to help you in this mission.)

• Treat your spouse in respectful ways (as “unto the Lord”). It’s a mind-set as well as an action.

• Commit, “Random acts of kindness.” Look for ways to make your spouse feel special by doing things for that would be meaningful to him or her.

• Be a partner who displays thanks-LIVING everyday by saying and showing your appreciation to them for even the little things (things you think should be expected, and yet you aren’t taking them for granted). Instead of continually noticing their faults, look for some things they do right and praise them for it. That is extravagant love!

Again, “Observe how Christ loved us. His love is not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.”
We pray this is a challenge, but also a blessing to your marriage. Look for ways to love each other extravagantly!

Alone Together – Marriage Message

Just because you’re married, it doesn’t mean that you don’t suffer from loneliness. As a matter of fact, that’s one of the problems in too many marriages. Couples are so busy with other aspects of making life work for them that they forget about emotionally connecting and supporting each other. As a result, some of the loneliest people on earth happen to be married. Sad, isn’t it?
If you find yourself in that place in your marriage (or you know of someone else who does) we’d like to touch on this subject with part of an article which is titled, “Alone Together” featured in a past issue of Marriage Partnership Magazine, but is now posted on the web site for the Today’s Christian Woman ministries.
One of the things the author Tim Gardner says about this subject is:

“Ask anyone why they got married and, once they get past ‘because we were in love’ (which I’m not knocking), they will talk about marriage as the antidote to loneliness. Even if they didn’t read that in the Bible first, they’re onto something. God proclaimed that it was “not good” for Adam to be alone (Genesis 2:18), and it’s not good for us either.
“Most of us expect marriage to banish loneliness by providing lifelong companionship. But look around and you’ll find large numbers of couples who are married and still lonely. How does the one stated goal of marriage, God’s desire to alleviate a person’s aloneness, fail to come true for so many husbands and wives?

The reason is the “loneliness lie” where spouses believe “that marriage by itself will put an end to loneliness” (which of course is a lie).
It’s a lie because there is no way any one person can (or should) fulfill our every need for companionship. There are different dynamics that go into everyday living and sometimes our spouse just can’t (or won’t) be there for us as often as we sometimes feel we need. And yet, with the right mindset, matters can improve.
In his article, Tim Gardner, goes on to say:

“The act of getting married won’t put an end to your loneliness. To achieve that goal, you have to follow your initial commitment with appropriate action. When couples come to me for counseling, we often discuss the need for a ‘married mindset.’
“It sounds obvious, but the truth is married couples often continue to think like single people. They agree to be places and do things without considering their partner’s schedule—or even his or her preferences. They are married, but their actions don’t reflect it. That’s what leads to loneliness.
“I have yet to meet the couple who say, ‘You know, we think about each other constantly. We never commit to a weekend or evening activity until we discuss it. We’re always calling each other during the day to touch base. But you know what? I just wish this loneliness would end.’
“When couples are guided by a married mindset they don’t struggle with loneliness. Considering one another’s needs, wants and preferences shows that they’re committed to loving each other, to nurturing and caring for one another, to treating each other with respect. They solve their own loneliness by working to obliterate their mate’s loneliness. Sounds odd, but that’s how it works.
“Spouses become lonely because one or both partners focus most of their energy on something other than their mate. Their communication dwindles to “what’s for supper?” “Where’s the mail?” and “here’s what I’m doing this weekend.” Without communication, there can be no emotional connection. And without a strong emotional connection, there can be no relationship.”

It’s important to be intentional as a married couple to interact on purpose, not just necessity. Otherwise, your connection together can become so surface that it lends itself to feelings of loneliness.
If you’re feeling lonely in your marriage, Tim has some suggestions with some of them being:

“Take stock of what is missing in your relationship. How would your marriage need to change to restore emotional closeness?
• “Do you long to share relaxed time together like you did when you were dating?
• “Do you wish you could still take walks at night to look at the stars?
• “Has the ‘business’ of keeping your family running smoothly crowded out the tenderness that used to come so naturally?
• “What are the specific patterns that need to change?”

And then he suggests that you:

“Ask yourself an even tougher question: what are you doing (or neglecting) that could make your spouse feel lonely? Just as it takes two to get married, it nearly always takes two to let a marriage drift. So identify your own contributions to the problem.
• “Is your schedule so crowded with outside commitments that you’re seldom home?
• “Have you neglected hobbies or other activities that used to draw you and your mate closer?
• “Have you started taking your spouse for granted—failing to express thanks, neglecting to extend common courtesies?
• “Are you too preoccupied with work, the kids or family finances to listen to your spouse?
“After asking yourself the hard questions, commit to making the personal changes necessary to reverse the emotional drift.”

Through “prayer, reflection and planning” Tim then suggests you “talk to your mate.” But make sure you do this prayerfully in the right timing, attitude, and way. He explains this and more in the article, which you can read by clicking onto, “ALONE, TOGETHER.”
Also, Jeannette and Robert Lauer wrote another article on this subject for those who are married, where they suggest:

“If you’re feeling lonely, ask yourself:
– “What’s going on in my marriage that makes me feel lonely?
– “Is this a short-term situation I can live with or a long-term situation that needs to change?
Answering these questions can save you from falling into several traps.
(1) “Blaming yourself. Both Billie and Diane initially felt guilty about their loneliness. Billie was certain that her painful loneliness meant that she had somehow failed. And Diane felt like an ingrate when she complained about a husband who was faithful, family-oriented, and involved in worthy activities. She thought she needed to change the way she felt. But her feelings weren’t the problem; they were a signal that she needed to change her circumstances.
(2) “Blaming your spouse. Billie blamed Steve for being self-absorbed and cutting her out of his life. Yet she missed the real source of his behavior —depression rooted in a business venture at the edge of failure. In this case blaming didn’t help the situation.
(3) “Thinking your marriage is doomed or at least condemned to mediocrity. Such thinking only deflects you from the task of finding a workable solution.”

The Lauer’s then suggest creating an “Action List” along and give additional suggestions. To read the suggestions and the article in its entirety, please click onto “MARRIED… BUT LONELY.”
We know this can be a helpful message for many of you to read but it can also be a painful message for others of you, because you KNOW you’re lonely in your marriage but your spouse doesn’t appear to want to participate with you in changing things. For that, we’re so very sorry to cause you any more hurt than you’re already experiencing. But we have a miracle working God so don’t completely discount all that is said.
Pray —it’s amazing what God can do when we yield our hearts to Him. The Bible says “He is the lifter of our heads” — He knows how to minister to our hearts when everyone else has turned their back on us. Also, pray through what David prayed in Psalm 139:23-24 which says, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

And lastly, Don and Sally Meredith from their book, 2 Becoming One give this advice:

“You will find these truths helpful in regarding your spouse’s weaknesses:

• God will meet your aloneness needs in spite of your mate’s weaknesses.

• God’ only agent for changing your mate with promised results is unconditional love. That is also true for any relationship.

• God actually uses your mate’s weaknesses as a tool to perfect your character.”

With all that’s been said though, keep in mind what Sandra Aldrich warned us. We’re supposed to help minister to each other’s aloneness but also know that: “Another human being can’t meet all your needs. The only person who can meet all our needs is the Lord, and He had to die first!”

Our love and prayers are with you as together we work to make our marriages the best they can be!